


Bad Poetry of a Lopsided Heart

by IcicleWieldingManiac



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Awkward situations, Canon Era, Getting Together, M/M, Super Dangan Ronpa 2 Free Time Spoilers, Super Dangan Ronpa 2 Spoilers, accidental penpals, awkward teenagers, slightly modified canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 69,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcicleWieldingManiac/pseuds/IcicleWieldingManiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Komaeda likes to write letters that he never sends. However, one time Hinata accidentally receives one addressed to himself. He also feels a responsibility to watch over Komaeda after the events of the first trial. You know, just so nobody else gets killed.</p><p>It's a good thing Hinata doesn't know who the letter's from, huh?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! This is my first shot at really any sort of fic, but I really like to write so I thought it'd be nice to be able to do it just for fun and post it on here. Rating and some tags might change as I get deeper into the story, but eh we'll see where it goes. I hope you guys enjoy it, and please feel free to leave feedback if you like!

Everything was so gentle, so still. Nighttime caressed his cheeks with a warm breeze of calmness that he’d yet to feel the blessing of since arriving at the island, and yet this calmness was the best of any he’d felt in a very, very long time.

Komaeda inhaled deeply as he tilted his head up to the sky, timing his breathing with the soothing ticking of the monolithic object in the center of the park, slowly, steadily counting down to some nebulous event. The possibilities excited him, but there was no need to be so excitable at the moment. The time would come of its own accord, and nothing he could do would bring the moment about any faster.

The stars were excruciatingly beautiful. They were so bright against the backdrop of almost complete blackness, so many staring down at him, twinkling and staring like eyes. He couldn’t believe how many there were with no light pollution to drown them out. With a deep, leisurely sigh, he turned his gaze back down to the notebook and papers he’d brought. He brushed his thumb against the sheet in his hand, then slid the paper into the notebook and rose to his feet.

He’d never considered himself to be a very good writer, but that didn’t mean that the activity didn’t help him sort through the violent flurry of thoughts in his brain when he felt the need for them to be sorted. His mind was a whirlwind, a hurricane spinning out of control, and it seemed that attempting to line the thoughts out on a page, anchored down so the wind could no longer pry them up and fling them about, provided at least a small break in the continuous storm. His mother, however, had never been too keen on it. “Keeping a diary is such an effeminate thing to do, Nagito,” she used to tell him before the misfortune of her death. “I don’t see why you insist upon growing into such a womanly young man.”

Nagito himself had never seen anything wrong with being womanly, but in an attempt to please his lovely mother, he’d found a way to work around her tastes. For sure writing letters was not nearly as “womanly” a habit for a young man to have, even if he never intended to send any of the letters to anybody, or let them be read by anyone but himself.

After taking another short moment or so to reflect on the woman who’d bestowed life upon him (no matter how worthless that life had turned out to be), Komaeda rose to his feet, beginning the long, peaceful journey back to his cottage. One trial down, and two shining beacons of hope darkened for the rest of eternity. Nothing to mourn over, though, especially when it fed the brightness of all of the remaining beacons on the island. _And especially that Hinata-kun,_ he thought to himself, licking his lips as they twitched up into a smile. _How incredibly brightly he shined. What a beautiful, beautiful light._

Suddenly, he was rudely torn from his thoughts when his foot came into contact with some solid thing. He stumbled over it, dropping his notebook and barely catching himself before falling to the ground as well. A bit puzzled, he glanced over his shoulder to find that the solid thing had in fact been a foot, and he redirected his gaze to find out just whom the foot had belonged to.

“Ah, Nidai-kun, Souda-kun,” he said cheerfully upon identifying the two. “What a pleasure to run into the two of you! However, I must say I’m surprised that you would be willing to be up in the middle of the night after partaking in such an intense trial. Oh, could it be that the two of you have decided to—”

“Shut up!” Souda commanded, jabbing a finger out at Komaeda, though his shaking betrayed his nervousness. “We’re not here to do anything like that!”

“Oh, alright then,” Komaeda laughed a bit huskily, bending down to retrieve his notebook. “Well I’m just heading back to my cottage now, so if you happen to change your mind, feel free to stop by whenever you want. My door will always be open.”

“Actually,” Nidai started, sharing a not-so-sure look with Souda, “We’d like to, uh, chat with you for a minute.”

“Yeah,” Souda quickly added. “That’s right. We wanna chat with you.”

Komaeda’s alert gaze flickered between the two of them, following the thread of secretive plot he could see sparking between them, and his grin widened. “Of course,” he replied, standing up straight once more. “What is it you’d like to talk about? It wouldn’t be the tremendous potential for hope that all of you embody so deeply, would it?”

 

~~~

 

Hinata let out a deep, heavy sigh as he plopped back onto his bed. He’d gone up to the restaurant for breakfast, where everybody’d fretted over the apparent disappearance of the confirmed dangerous Super High School Level Good Luck, but in all honestly he thought that Souda and Nidai had been acting pretty strangely when the topic had been brought up. Afterwards they’d all gone to investigate the new island Monomi had opened up for them, but now he was utterly exhausted. 

_Komaeda…_ Hinata thought to himself, blowing a puff of air out from between his pursed lips as he stared up at his plain white ceiling. _Why did things have to happen like that? Why?_

An image flashed in front of his face, using the blank canvas of Hinata’s ceiling as a backdrop. It was Komaeda as he’d first seen him. He felt his back against the hot sand, squinted at the agonizingly bright halo of light the sun framed around Komaeda’s head as the boy leaning over him smiled, smiled at the sight of him prying open his heavy eyes, smiled at the sight of him being okay. His smile was so lovely, so, so lovely, like the clichéd angel he somewhat resembled in that moment. His teeth weren’t straight – not entirely – but it gave him character, made his smile even more infectious, just as the way his bottom eyelids creeping up a bit over the bottom edge of his grayish-green irises did the same.

Hinata frowned deeply, clenching his hands into tight fists and trying to shake the image out of his mind. Komaeda was crazy, and that was the end of that. Looking back it was easy to feel conflicted, but even if he seemed nice before, he had still been a bit weird. Very weird. Komaeda was weird, even before he cheerfully instigated murder, and he was crazy and dangerous and even weirder than before now that he had.

And that was the end of that.

Just as the feeling of not knowing what to do and not having the energy to think too deeply about it began to sink in, a knock came at his door and jarred him from his thoughts. Hinata sat bolt upright, staring oddly wide-eyed at the door, almost unsure if he’d actually heard anything in the first place or if it had just been some dream, some hallucination.

However, it came again, and so before he gave himself a chance to be rational and think about whether or not there may be a murderer on the other side, he got to his feet and went over to let the knocker in. Upon seeing who was waiting for him on the other side, his eyebrows scrunched together in tired puzzlement. “Monomi?”

“Hinata-kun!” Monomi gushed. “There’s something I forgot about earlier!”

“Then why are you coming to me about it?” Hinata posed. “Shouldn’t you just wait for everybody to be back together again?” _Or everybody except for Komaeda and Kuzuryuu, for that matter._

“No, Hinata-kun, this is just for you!” Monomi insisted, producing a sheet of paper that appeared to have writing on it. “I found it last night, and it’s addressed to you!”

“Addressed to me?” Hinata murmured quietly, snatching the paper from her. Semblances of thoughts began racing through his mind, thoughts about Togami, about the murder threat he’d received before his death, and he felt his heart start jackhammering off in his chest. “Thanks Monomi,” he said quickly, shutting the door without waiting for a response and turning around in his cottage.

He stared at the paper in his hand for a moment, somehow incredibly conscious of his breathing as it rasped against his throat. A cold sweat was beginning to break out along his hairline, and he thought it would be a good idea to sit on his bed before his knees gave out. _You have to read it,_ he told himself. _Not reading it isn’t going to stop anything from happening. It’s better to be aware. It’s better to know._

With a deep breath, Hinata bent his head over the note and began to read.

_To my dearest Hinata Hajime,_

_It’s hard for me to say what I think of when I think of you. The sun, perhaps? You’re so very bright, in more ways than one. Your brightness brings light to others, inspires them, encourages them. And it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful._

_But perhaps jumping into such details is a display of my lack of tact. It’s not as if I’ve ever been good at articulating myself, especially in a pleasant way, but I simply feel the need to. From the moment I first laid eyes upon you I was intrigued, and every small interaction has been more and more pleasant. You’re just so tangible, so easy to connect with. Not that I’m implying that we necessarily have a strong connection, especially in your eyes I would assume, but there’s just something about you, something that I’m not quite sure I’m able to describe just yet. Please, forgive me for my inadequacy._

_I know this may not be quite the kind of praise you would like to hear, but the way you acted in the trial was truly remarkable. Where other classmates grew weak at heart you grew stronger, you held on and inspired them to cling on as well, to cling onto life and the betterment of themselves and everything around them. You were able to show them what it means to be an Ultimate. You were truly able to show them hope._

_Ah, and perhaps that word may leave you with a sick, conflicted feeling in your heart after what transpired at the trial, but I assure you that it is a beautiful thing. Even if you don’t quite understand it yet, I can assure you that it’s beautiful, and I can assure you that it is a true force of good. Hope is what one can cling to even when one has control over nothing else in life; hope is what gives people the will to keep going._

_And perhaps now I’m beginning to ramble. Like I said, I’ve never claimed to be a very good writer. The bottom line is that I can’t help but find you to be an incredibly admirable person, and I can hardly wait to see more of you as time goes on._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Devoted Admirer_

Hinata could do nothing but stare down at the letter for a good moment, his mouth slightly agape, his body frozen and unable to move. Eventually though, his grip on the paper slackened, and he licked his lips as he tilted his head up to gaze back at his ceiling. “Did I just get a letter…from a secret admirer?”

The words seemed strange and alien even to his own tongue, and so he let them hang in the air around him in an attempt to get them to soak in. It didn’t work.

Hinata stood up suddenly, leaving the note on his bed and running his hands through his short, spiky hair. Someone admired him? Enough to write him an anonymous letter? Enough to tell him he was _beautiful?_ His immediate reaction was not to trust it, especially on an isolated island where your neighbor in the cottage next to you could be plotting the murder of your new best friend (or the other way around, as he’d unfortunately learned could be the case, although he decided not to let his mind dive too deeply into that one right now), but if it were a ploy intended to deceive him, then why would the writer send it anonymously? Not to mention that it seemed to be…emphatically sincere. Almost embarrassingly so, if he was going to be honest with himself. He was surprised anybody would send this type of letter at all, even if its author was planning to remain unknown.

Hinata turned to look at the letter, sitting so innocently on top of his sheets. Someone had called him inspiring and beautiful. Someone had wrote a letter literally likening him to the sun, and they’d actually had the heart to send it to him afterwards. It was pretty embarrassing – Hinata himself would never write something so embarrassing, let alone send it afterwards – but he supposed he had to give his admirer some credit for actually having the balls to do it. After all, it wasn’t necessarily discouraging to hear such poetic things written about yourself. Even the mention of the trial, at first a bit alarming, hadn’t actually been too bad. It was good to be reminded that hope wasn’t a bad thing just because some crazy kid who’d betrayed your trust in him and his friendship decided to make it out that way. It was nice to be reminded that hope was actually a good thing.

After some more pacing and contemplation, Hinata grabbed the letter and placed it in the drawer of his nightstand. He couldn’t stay locked up in his cottage forever, whether the reason was exhaustion or fear or confusion at a miraculous letter from a secret admirer. So, with his resolve set to forget about everything for a few blissful moments and just try to lose himself in almost obligatory socialization, he pushed his door open and left the letter behind him.

The only problem was that he couldn’t necessarily just push all the things he wanted to forget about out of his mind. He tried, really, really did, but no matter how much he tried, everything just came flooding back. He was fed up with everything. He didn’t feel like making small talk, and every time he laid eyes on either Souda or Nidai he felt the overwhelming urge to demand that they tell him just what they did with Komaeda. He knew he shouldn’t care so much, but knowing them they’d probably kill him by accident, and for all he knew he could stumble upon the poor lunatic’s corpse around any corner. He’d rather have some sort of comfort that that wasn’t going to be the case, and that he’d have some level of control in the matter to ensure that that didn’t happen. The last thing he needed was to be haunted by the ghost of Super High School Level Good Luck for the rest of his life.

The worst thing though was that he couldn’t get the letter out of his mind, and it was the worst specifically because he hadn’t the slightest idea who had sent it. Every conversation with someone, every shared moment of eye contact was scrutinized in his mind, picked apart in order to detect anything that might be even the slightest bit suspicious. Hinata didn’t want to flatter himself, but the note seemed to be of a romantic nature, as long as he wasn’t reading into it too deeply. He figured that meant the list was narrowed down to the girls, which still didn’t help too much with the number of girls on the island, but he supposed it was a start. Still, impatience got the best of him, and he ended up approaching Monomi at the end of the day.

“Oh, Hinata-kun,” she greeted. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Hey Monomi, I was just going to ask about that letter,” Hinata started. “Do you know who wrote it?”

“Of course!” Monomi said proudly. “I saw the person writing it in the park!”

 _In the park?_ He noted mentally. “Well, would you mind telling me who it is?”

Monomi’s eyes widened, as if she couldn’t fathom what Hinata had just asked of her. “Tell you who it is?”

“Yeah,” Hinata affirmed. “Can you?”

“You mean you don’t know?”

“It’s signed anonymously,” Hinata said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Ah, then of course I can’t tell you!” Monomi asserted defensively. “If the author of your letter wants to remain anonymous, then you should respect that person’s wishes!”

Hinata frowned, shifting his weight to the side. “Huh? What about getting to know each other? You know, collecting hope shards?” he tried to reason. “How am I supposed to get to know them better if I don’t know who they are?”

“I see your point,” Monomi muttered almost to herself, “but I can’t bring myself to disregard my student’s personal wishes! I’m sorry Hinata-kun, but maybe you can look for clues somewhere else!”

 

~~~

 

“Look for clues somewhere else,” Hinata sighed to himself once he was inside his cottage, somehow feeling much more alone than usual. He was just standing there aimlessly in the center of the room, eyes trained intently on nothing as his brain tried to make sense of things for about the seventeenth time that day.

Suddenly, he clenched his fists, his mouth twitching into a smirk as his resolve solidified. He grabbed the pen off his nightstand, sitting on his bed with a notebook full of paper and a mind spinning with ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I hope you don't mind me using the term SHSL instead of Ultimates but then using the latter to refer to the group collectively?? I generally prefer the more direct translations from Japanese just 'cause that's what I'm used to but Ultimates just sounds better when talking about all of them.
> 
> Just so you know I'm not so sure how much I'm gonna do from Komaeda's perspective most of the time. I put it in this chapter because it was necessary for plot reasons, and I know I might need it next chapter as well, but I think I'd prefer to try to stick to Hinata's POV for the most part. His voice is just so fun and sarcastic, so I think it would work really well. Honestly, I guess we'll just see where the story goes though.
> 
> And also this will (hopefully) get better soon! The first chapter was pretty boring since it had to set everything up but not only will you get to see sassy Hinata and dorky Ko but you'll also see them TOGETHER while all this letter nonsense is going on so I hope that's what you're in this for. Still, I hope you liked it and feel free to give me feedback if you want!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude I am so pumped for the new dr anime coming out, like you can't even imagine ahhhhhhHH!
> 
> But anyway, thank you all so much for all the support on the first chapter of this! I wasn't expecting it to really get any attention, so I'm really flattered that all of you liked it so much! Seriously, it really gives me the encouragement and confidence to post more on here, so I'm really grateful! I just wish I could have responded to more of your comments!
> 
> And without further delay, here's chapter 2! It's a lot longer than the first one so sorry about that!

Komaeda stretched his long, bony limbs on the walk back to his cottage. He’d fallen behind the rest of the group, in not nearly as much of a hurry as some of the others, who seemed all too ready to leave the upsetting events of the second trial as far behind as possible. He was just approaching the rows of cottages, everyone else already locked up inside no doubt, and he pushed his door open and made his way inside at a leisurely pace, a placid smile resting almost lazily across his lips.

What an intense trial it had been this time around! Pekoyama’s attempt to make herself out as the murder weapon had been a most exhilarating twist, one that Komaeda had eaten up like candy. Even now he was keyed up, or more like excited. He stood restlessly in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth from his heels to the balls of his feet, and it occurred to him that sleep would be most elusive if his adrenaline insisted on making him feel so awake.

“I’ll just write a letter, then,” he practically sang to himself, making his way over to his shelf on his tiptoes as he pulled his notebook and pen down. He then plopped down on his bed, rifling through the pages in order to find a clean one, until he stopped dead in his tracks, the calm smile falling away to reveal a slackened, gaping O.

“Huh?” he laughed to himself, his mouth once again twitching up at the corners, but this time in a nervous, frantic way. He flipped through the pages again, and one more time when he couldn’t find what he was looking for. He eventually hopped up from his seat, turning the notebook upside down and shaking it to reveal any loose papers. A couple fluttered out, and he dropped to his hands and knees, inspecting each of them, until he stopped again.

“Oh no,” he laughed quietly, nervously as he sat back on his heels. He knotted both of his hands into his messy hair, grabbed clumps of it and tugged, trying hard not to hyperventilate when he could hear each raspy breath scraping against his throat so ruggedly, so hoarsely, so rapidly. “Hahahahaha…Oh, this is not good. Oh Nagito, you worthless, stupid, garbage-brained, good for nothing, stupid, _stupid…”_

And out of nowhere, there was a knock on the door. Komaeda froze, his nervous smile still stretched wide and thin across his face. He stared at the door for a moment, then scrambled to his feet as he tried to untangle his long fingers from his hair. He approached the door on wobbly legs, feeling himself quivering as if there was an earthquake shaking him apart from his core. And sweating? He thought he might be sweating. Still, he grabbed the doorknob with both of his hands before yanking it open, not even realizing that he’d been holding his breath until he released it upon seeing the person outside.

“Komaeda-kun, are you alright?” came the high-pitched voice, and Komaeda almost collapsed in a rush of released tension at seeing the white and pink bunny at his door.

“Oh, Monomi,” he breathed with a hoarse chuckle, leaning against his doorframe. “Yes, of course I’m fine. How could I not be after witnessing such a divine display of hope this evening?”

“Oh Komaeda-kun, I really wish you would stop saying things like that!” Monomi exclaimed. “If you didn’t talk like that then nobody would be afraid of you!”

“There’s nothing strange about believing in hope, Monomi,” Komaeda assured her, attempting to regain his typical cheerful tone of conversation. “It is however a fault of mine if I’m too worthless to even be able to get people to understand that, huh?”

“Oh no!” Monomi mourned, obviously upset with Komaeda’s intent to alienate himself from all the other students. “Well, maybe this will do something to get you thinking more about friendship. This is for you.”

“Huh?” Komaeda murmured, tilting his head a bit to the side as he took the envelope she held out. “What’s this?”

“It’s a letter!” Monomi proclaimed proudly. “I meant to get it to you sooner, but you were chained in the lodge, and then there was that awful, awful trial. But here we are now!”

“A letter?” Komaeda muttered softly, feeling his mouth starting to dry out. “Who’s it from?”

“It’s from Hinata-kun, of course!”

 _“Hinata-kun?”_ Komaeda stammered, going rigid. “Why would Hinata-kun be sending me letters? Are you sure you don’t have the wrong cottage?”

“Of course not, it’s definitely for you!” Monomi insisted. “And why wouldn’t he write you a letter? Wouldn’t you expect him to respond to what you wrote?”

Komaeda was frozen, not even registering the feeling of the envelope in his hands. He stared straight through Monomi, that wide, thin smile spread across his face once more, a thin line of teeth just barely visible from between two pale, bloodless lips.

“Ah! Komaeda-kun!” Monomi then cried, distressed. “Are you okay? What’s wrong now?”

“Hinata-kun got my letter?” Komaeda inquired quietly, still not quite seeing her despite the fact that she was right in front of him.

“Of course! It was addressed to him!”

Komaeda adjusted his eyes, allowing his gaze to slip into hers, although the unnerving smile remained. “Monomi, Hinata-kun wasn’t supposed to get my letter. I just wrote it to get out my feelings.”

This time it was Monomi’s turn to stare for a moment, but she didn’t persist nearly as long as Komaeda had. “Oh dear! Komaeda-kun, I’m so sorry!” she sobbed remorsefully. “I saw you writing it in the park, and when you dropped it I was going to return it to you, but then you were tied up by Souda-kun and Nidai-kun, and it was addressed to Hinata-kun, so—”

Komaeda wasn’t listening anymore, though. He was simply staring down at the envelope, terrified of what was sealed inside. Still, something didn’t feel quite right. Even if Hinata-kun did receive his letter, then why would he ever stoop so low as to write back? Perhaps he had been so appalled, so absolutely disgusted with receiving such a letter from the trash heap commonly known as Komaeda Nagito that, rather than curse him out or beat him up or tear him down in person, he didn’t even want to have to be near him longer than necessary, and had therefore channeled all his revulsion into a letter in order to avoid any type of one-on-one interaction.

“Goodnight, Monomi,” he said, cutting her off from whatever she was going on about and turning back into his cottage with a sick feeling churning about in his stomach. He set the envelope on his nightstand, then took a step back to stare at it for a moment or two. He covered his mouth with his hand, tilted his head to the side, then turned around and paced back and forth for a short spread of time. Eventually he turned off his light, climbing into his bed and pulling the covers up to his chin despite the hot and humid weather. Perhaps it would be best to never open the letter, to pretend that it didn’t exist at all. Then he would never have to hear what Hinata-kun really thought of him, and everything would be back to normal.

Right?

Komaeda tried his best to ignore it, rolling over so his back was to his nightstand and pulling the blankets over his head, but it was no use. There was no way he was getting any sleep that night regardless of whether he read the message or not, and pretending the letter didn’t exist wouldn’t make it so. If Hinata-kun had sent him the letter expecting him to read it, then that was inevitably what he was going to do.

The churning in his stomach increased to the point where it felt like he might actually throw up, but he sat up in his bed, turning on his bedside lamp and grabbing the envelope next to it. He held it in front of him with two hands, staring down at it for a good minute or so, until he finally decided that all of this nonsense was quite frankly ridiculous, and he tore the envelope open to get to what was inside. It read:

_To my Apparent Anonymous Admirer,_

_Hey, so I’m just going to preface this by telling you that I’m no writer. I can’t be poetic and flowery like you were in your letter, so you’re just going to have to take what you can get. Well, not that you have to take it I guess, but, yeah. I’m not a poet._

_Anyway, I figured I’d write you back, because you obviously put a lot of effort into the letter you sent me. Maybe effort isn’t the right word. Heart, I guess. It had a lot of heart. Like, more than I’m used to, but I guess it was kinda cool. A little more heart than usual isn’t such a bad thing every once in a while, I guess._

_What I’m trying to say though is that it probably took a lot of courage to write something like that and send it, so thanks. It was pretty nice of you. However, if you like me as much as you seemed to in your writing, then maybe you wouldn’t mind telling me who you are so we could talk in person, without all this secrecy and shit. Not that I’m trying to criticize you or anything, but it might be nice. You know, because being together physically is usually better than any of the alternatives._

_Ooh, and I’m just starting to realize that some of that wording is not the best. Please, disregard any embarrassing thing I might have said. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m really not much of a writer. But I don’t know, I guess just thanks for sending such a nice message, and maybe you could get back to me at some point. I wouldn’t mind that._

_Your confused and honestly kinda shocked recipient of admiration,_

_Hinata Hajime_

Komaeda was incapable of doing anything other than stare blankly at nothing for a moment upon finishing, unable to process what he had just read. He sat frozen like that for a longer than probably appropriate amount of time before abruptly standing up, still knotted in his bedsheets with the letter gripped tightly in his two hands.

He shook the sheets off into a crumpled heap on the ground, then stepped over them and began pacing once more, hunched over the letter and rereading it. Something had to have been wrong. Maybe he was exhausted. He hadn’t gotten much sleep in the days he was chained in the old lodge, and perhaps that was starting to have an effect on him. Perhaps he’d hallucinated that the letter said something entirely different than it actually did. There was no way he could possibly have such good fortune as this letter being true, right?

But alas, no matter how many times his frenzied eyes went over it and over it again, nothing changed. Komaeda slowed to a stop in the middle of the room, lowering the sheet of paper and staring steadily at his wall, shell-shocked. “Hinata-kun…doesn’t know it’s me,” were the first words that escaped his mouth. His lips then twitched up into a cautious smile, and he glanced down at the letter again. “Hinata-kun is flattered by what I told him,” he laughed almost giddily. “He wants to talk to me more; he wants to know who I am.”

However, he didn’t allow himself to get too carried away. “Ah, but it’s no use,” he sighed. “I can never tell Hinata-kun who sent that letter. Then he would be disgusted at having replied to it in such a kind way, and he would be disgusted that someone as disgusting as me would send such a disgustingly sincere letter. He would undoubtedly say, ‘Oh, that disgusting Komaeda Nagito is at it again, sending letters to toy with me and make fun of me. He’s so disgusting, he should just go die.’”

Still, Komaeda folded the letter back up, carefully and precisely following each fold Hinata-kun had made before tenderly placing it in his nightstand drawer. Despite the fact that he was unsure of what to do about the situation now, at the very least it hadn’t turned out nearly as bad as he had feared. But in all honesty, what should his next action be? Hinata-kun would no doubt be eagerly awaiting a response from his new penpal, and Komaeda didn’t want to let him down by never sending him another one again. But was it selfish to string the other boy along when he could never tell him who he really was?

Komaeda tried to run a hand through his hair, but it got stuck partway through and had to be yanked out. He let out a tired sigh, because he really was rather tired. Perhaps it would be best to sleep on it and decide on the best course of action in the morning.

And with that, he slipped under his covers and turned off the light.

 

~~~

It was strange the next morning, eating in the restaurant with everybody else. Of course Komaeda knew that his presence was the one most wished not to be there, but he hoped it wouldn’t be too much of a problem as long as he could manage to keep his wretched mouth shut and just listen. He figured this feat would be much more easily obtained if he kept his mouth full with food, but the problem with that was that, despite being tied up for so long, he really wasn’t that hungry at all. Some ambiguous voice chimed that breakfast was the most important meal of the day in his head, and that some sort of sustenance was necessary if he wanted to wake up his mind enough to do some real thinking. He didn’t really feel like eating, but he did feel like thinking.

After sitting silently through breakfast and shoving a slice or two of toast down his throat, Komaeda was happy to split off from the rest of the students and straighten out his thoughts. His first stop was the library, for he felt that an amateur such as himself was much too inexperienced to even consider writing a proper letter or being a letter-writing partner to anybody at all. He yawned as he scoured aisle upon aisle of books, attempting to rub the sleepiness from his eyes while in search of something that could help with his cause. A fictional tale told entirely through a woman’s letters to her loved ones? Sounded good. A collection of letters and poems written by kamikaze pilots before their deaths in World War II? Count him in. Now, if only he could just find Letter Writing for Dummies in there somewhere.

However, Komaeda was so absorbed in his mission to craft the perfect letter or write no letter at all that he was oblivious to the sound of the library doors opening and closing, as well as the sound of approaching footsteps.

“Huh? Komaeda?”

Komaeda flinched, a jolt of panic making his body go rigid at the sound of the voice – _that voice._ His fingers were frozen yet brittle, and the couple of books piled in his arms slipped through them much too easily, tumbling into disarray at his feet. Unable to stop himself from taking a peek, he glanced over his shoulder to see _him_ staring steadily with a sharp, perplexed expression. “Ah, Hinata-kun,” he somehow managed to force out with a smile. “I wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”

“What, you don’t take me for the reading type?” Hinata-kun inquired a bit coldly, and the hardness of his gaze was painful.

“That’s not it Hinata-kun, I’m sure you must be a wonderful scholar,” Komaeda insisted, crouching down on his knees to gather up his books. It’s a good thing he never did find Letter Writing for Dummies in there anywhere.

“Yeah, okay,” Hinata-kun mumbled dismissively, watching Komaeda brush the dust off of the books, still kneeling down. “Why are you here, then? I didn’t really expect to run into you either.”

“Oh, I really quite like reading,” Komaeda explained happily, climbing back to his feet. “I know it must be astonishing to you that a brainless, purposeless worm such as me would even be literate, but I actually enjoy reading quite often.”

“Okay, just, enough of all that,” Hinata-kun said with a frown. “Don’t make it weird, okay? I don’t want to hear you tearing yourself down every two seconds if this is happening.”

“Huh? What’s happening?” Komaeda inquired earnestly, tilting his head a bit to the side.

“This,” Hinata-kun replied, gesturing to the library as a whole. “Being in the library together. I just don’t want you to make it weird.”

“Ah, well I can leave if you want me to, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda offered, beginning to think that perhaps he was fooling himself with all this letter nonsense, and that it would be a terrible idea to try to engage the other boy in such a manner.

“Well, it’s not like I’m trying to make you leave,” Hinata-kun muttered, glancing a bit to the side. “I’m not trying to make you go away or anything. I don’t know, I don’t want to give you the impression that everything is fine or anything, but life here is going to be pretty rough if we can’t at least coexist. So we can just, like, coexist.”

Komaeda simply stared at him for a moment, then smiled. “I’d be delighted to coexist with you, Hinata-kun!”

“Okay then,” Hinata-kun said a bit awkwardly, nodding as if to say that Komaeda was permitted to return to his previous activities. Komaeda did just that, finding himself a nice table to sit at and beginning to leaf through some of the books, taking mental notes on the different ways people personified their feelings through letters. Of course that’s what he’d been doing his entire life, writing letters to get out feelings that would otherwise be trapped inside forever, unidentified and pointedly ignored. However, just because Komaeda was used to writing letters didn’t necessarily mean that he was any good at it, especially if he was going to start writing letters with the intent to send them to somebody else. However, his train of thought was wholly derailed when he felt a hand on the back of his chair.

“Kamikaze Diaries: Reflections of Japanese Student Soldiers,” Hinata-kun read from the cover of one of the books. Komaeda twisted around a bit to look up, and found Hinata-kun standing over him a bit. He was using the back of the chair as an anchoring point and leaning over him slightly, but Komaeda noticed with a bit of surprise that he wouldn’t mind if he was leaning just a bit closer. His blank gaze eventually slipped into Hinata-kun’s, and he felt a little lost. “Not necessarily light reading.”

“It’s rather interesting, though,” Komaeda replied. “You should hear some of the beautiful letters they wrote before sacrificing themselves. Most of them were so scared.”

Hinata-kun wrinkled his nose a bit in distaste, and Komaeda thought perhaps that may not have been the best way to explain the appeal of the book to him. However, despite this fact, Hinata-kun pulled out the chair next to him and sat down in it, plopping his own book on the table with thud.

“You’re sitting with me?” Komaeda inquired somewhat apprehensively.

“Oh, is there a problem?” Hinata-kun inquired.

“N-no, it’s just…” Komaeda studied the boy for a second in thought. “I was just thinking, why would someone like Hinata-kun lower himself to such a level only in order to sit with someone like me?”

“Well if you make it weird like that, maybe I’ll go sit somewhere else,” Hinata-kun mumbled. “Besides, maybe it’s not such a bad idea for me to watch over you if you’re looking at kamikaze pilot stuff. I don’t want you getting any bad ideas.”

“Oh Hinata-kun, that isn’t my intention at all!” Komaeda insisted with a smile. “I’d much rather give my life in a way that would squeeze the most hope out of all of you, such as becoming the victim of a murder case. In fact,” here he leaned in closer, his eyes glazing over with a sort of fervor that rode on electrical currents throughout his body, made his fingers and toes feel all prickly and tingly. “We’re very much alone together right now, Hinata-kun. It really wouldn’t take that much, you know. It’s easier than you could ever imagine.”

“Hey, stop it!” Hinata-kun hissed, shoving him away. “I’m not gonna kill you!”

“Well I suppose killing someone else is also an option, and I would still be willing to aid you in coming up with a plan, but I really think that choosing a cooperative victim would be much more efficient,” Komaeda mused. “However, if you intend to kill me, it might be better not to carry out the actual murder while we’re still here. After all, although we’re alone, this isn’t necessarily a private location, and anybody could have seen us come—”

“No, I’m not killing anybody, Komaeda!” Hinata-kun protested vehemently. “Stop saying things like that! Why do you want someone to kill you so badly, huh? Do you really wanna die like that?”

“I want to die for your sake, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda tried to explain to him. “I want my life to mean something, to give it for you and your hope and the hope of everybody else.”

“Yeah, but nobody wants that, though,” Hinata-kun still protested. “Everyone hates you and is afraid of you because of how you behave, but still, nobody has tried to kill you yet! We don’t want anybody else dying, don’t you understand?”

“Well,” Komaeda started calmly, “it’s not necessarily about what’s desirable, but rather what will help you guys—”

“It’s a terrible way to die, Komaeda,” Hinata-kun suddenly said with much less fire behind his voice, and his stare was dark, sober. “It’s an awful, terrible way to go. And even after all you’ve done to us, nobody wants to see that. Nobody wants to see you like that.”

Komaeda could only stare blankly for a moment, a small, puzzled smile still clinging to his lips. It wasn’t that there was nothing to say. He could have said a million different things in that moment, things that he believed in with all his heart, but for some reason that very same heart held him back, slapped a hand over his mouth and forced him to sit speechless. He was staring at Hinata-kun, just staring, like some lost child searching for some other lost something, who had somehow lost himself in the search. After a bit, Hinata-kun averted his eyes.

“Alright, let’s get out of this library,” he said as he closed his book, a commanding tone dictating his voice.

“Huh?” Komaeda questioned. “Are we both leaving?”

“Yes,” Hinata-kun said, rising to his feet. “Come on, it’s too dark and quiet in here, it gives me a weird feeling. I’m sure there’s a much nicer place around here that we could go to.”

“But, together?” Komaeda inquired, tilting his head to the side. “Why would you want to do that, Hinata-kun?”

“I don’t like leaving you alone,” Hinata-kun replied with a slight frown. “Not when I don’t understand you. I can’t rationalize it to myself in my mind that everything’s going to be okay if I don’t know what you’re up to.”

Komaeda smiled, but he really didn’t know what to say. Despite his fondness for Hinata-kun, this was really not the direction he intended his day to go in. In fact, he had been planning to have as little contact with Hinata-kun as possible at least until he wrote a letter and decided whether or not it would be a good idea to send it and continue this odd charade. If Hinata-kun found out he was the one writing the letters then everything would be ruined. However, it wasn’t as if he could just decline the invitation. He wasn’t so sure Hinata-kun would allow that even if he wanted to.

“Ah, then where would you like to go, Hinata-kun?” he inquired, shutting his book as well.

“I dunno,” Hinata-kun sighed, as if he couldn’t believe he would be spending the day with the horrible, good-for-nothing Komaeda Nagito. “Why don’t we go walk to the park or something?”

“Oh, I do love the park,” Komaeda replied, his smile spreading a bit wider, less idle. “I’m honored that you would wish to take me there, Hinata-kun! Even if it’s just because I am untrustworthy garbage that can’t be left alone!”

Hinata-kun huffed another sigh, running a hand through his short, spiky hair. “Okay fine,” he said. “Let’s just go already, okay?”

 

~~~

Hinata couldn’t believe what he was doing.

He glanced over at Komaeda through the corner of his eye, the way his white, fluffy hair bounced slowly, lazily as he took each step. He was gazing all around as the two made their way towards the park, his sleepy, dusty eyes floating leisurely from each bright, tropical thing to the next. It was strange how peaceful he seemed in that moment.

Hinata remembered back to the beginning, when he didn’t consider a serene-looking Komaeda to be a strange happening, not to be trusted. It then occurred to him that a serene Komaeda wasn’t all that uncommon even after they had all discovered his true nature, and it made him wonder if maybe it wasn’t all an act at the beginning, if perhaps this calm, peaceful Komaeda wasn’t being calm and peaceful for any type of deception, and that the Komaeda from the beginning hadn’t been doing so either, that Komaeda was simply capable of being calm and peaceful and serene despite the crazed, terrifying display he’d made of himself multiple times by this point.

He turned his head to face the other boy, not too keen on spending the entire rest of his day in silence, and Komaeda looked over at him expectantly. It only then occurred to him that he hadn’t the slightest idea of what to talk to “someone like Komaeda” about. Still, the white-haired boy stared at him with a blank, slightly quizzical expression upon his face, his dumb smile fixed in place as always.

“Uh, so what’s up with you?” he asked stupidly, not knowing what else to say.

“Oh,” Komaeda murmured, as if he were surprised to be the recipient of such a mundane question. “Um, I suppose not too much that you aren’t already aware of.”

“Yeah, of course,” Hinata muttered, mostly to himself. The kid had been chained up for a couple days straight and then had attended the trial. What kind of idiot would ask him a question like that?

“What about you, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda inquired, seemingly innocently. When Hinata allowed himself to look over, Komaeda was staring at him with attentive yet tranquil eyes, awaiting some sort of revolutionary response, no doubt.

“Um, I guess not too much,” he mumbled. He felt a strange, exhilarating tingling in his stomach at the thought of the letter he’d received, at the excitement of trying to figure out who had sent it, but that was nothing to speak to Komaeda about. “I’ve just been trying to get to know everybody on the island a bit better.”

“Ah, alright then,” Komaeda acknowledged with a nod, and then the two were plunged into silence once more. Komaeda took to taking in their surroundings again, and Hinata took to not-so-subtly watching Komaeda, until the two reached the park.

“So you like the park, right?” Hinata asked somewhat uncomfortably. “What do you like doing here?”

“Oh I don’t know, it’s just so nice and peaceful,” Komaeda replied. “Sometimes I walk around, or just sit under the trees in the shade.” He looked as if there was something else he was going to add, but then caught himself. Instead he just smiled over at Hinata as if to say _it’s your choice!_

“So you don’t like, actually do anything?” Hinata inquired skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

“Well you see, it’s supposed to be relaxing,” Komaeda explained. “I understand if my company isn’t stimulating enough for you though, Hinata-kun. Perhaps you should have chosen an activity instead of leaving it up to me.”

“No, it’s fine, let’s just walk, I guess,” Hinata insisted, and so the two began walking leisurely around the circumference of the park.

Komaeda took a deep breath of the tropical island air, and Hinata could hear it rattling around oddly in his throat. Come to think of it, Komaeda had never looked the healthiest, had he? His eyes were pretty and intelligent, and yet a strange, dusty sort of film seemed to add a layer between them and his own eyes whenever they made eye contact. They were somewhat sunken in, with deep, bruise-like dark circles curling under them like crescents, giving him a strange, raccoon-like appearance. His skin and lips were much too pale, his hair ratty and unkempt, his body a bit too bony under that jacket of his. He wondered what was wrong, why Komaeda seemed indifferent to his blatantly unhealthy appearance, and what it would take to make him look better.

He wanted to see what healthy Komaeda looked like.

It was a strange thought, and he frowned as he turned his eyes back to the trail in front of him, trying to figure out why his mind would wander in such a way. It wasn’t fair, he finally decided. It wasn’t fair for Komaeda to be so kind to him, to get him to trust him at the beginning and actually want to be friends with the odd boy only to rip that all away from him. It wasn’t fair that he was left with these conflicting emotions now, wanting to befriend and understand a person that was crazy and dangerous and scary, a person he could never hope to befriend or understand.

“So this is really all you do when you come here?” Hinata inquired in an attempt to start some sort of conversation, soon after realizing that insulting his companion’s choice of free time activities was a rather poor way to accomplish this goal.

“Well I suppose,” Komaeda replied. “Don’t you ever wish to just relax, Hinata-kun?”

“Well yeah,” Hinata replied. “I just…I don’t know.”

Komaeda smiled over at him with that strange, unreadable smile he wore so often. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he then asked, gaze never straying from Hinata’s. “Everything around here, it’s so pretty, the way the sun shines through the leaves of the trees, dappling the grass underneath with strange, beautiful patterns. Or,” here his smile widened a bit, his eyes narrowing in an almost playful manner, “the way the sunlight filters through Hinata-kun’s irises, turning them golden brown as he looks down upon the small, wretched worm Komaeda Nagito.”

“Hey, I thought we agreed you weren’t going to say things like that,” Hinata scolded, although Komaeda’s descriptions were somewhat intriguing to him. “You do notice so many little things though, huh? I wonder if that’s what it takes.”

“Huh?” Komaeda said blankly, still smiling.

“Nothing,” Hinata insisted. “Just, how do you do that? How do you take all those little things and make it sound so pretty when you talk about it?”

“Huh?” Komaeda said again, seemingly unable to register Hinata’s words. “What do you mean, Hinata-kun?”

“I want to be able to talk pretty,” Hinata stated with conviction (despite the fact that his phrasing was the opposite of what he was striving for), pushing his embarrassment aside in order to try to learn from this experience. Komaeda might be a nutjob who spouted disjointed nonsense, but he sure was good at making that nonsense sound nice.

“What, you mean like poetry?” Komaeda clarified. “Oh Hinata-kun, I’m no poet! I’m not a good writer at all!”

“You sounded pretty good to me just now,” Hinata maintained, crossing his hands over his chest and halting. Komaeda stumbled over his own feet in an attempt to stop as well. “I just…Listen, I’m not good at that kind of stuff. But, I wanna be good at it. I want to know how to talk like that.”

“Hinata-kun, I really don’t quite understand,” Komaeda laughed a bit uncomfortably. “There’s nothing wrong with how you speak. At least people understand you the way you talk.”

“No, Komaeda, I need your help,” Hinata insisted, beginning to realize just how useful Komaeda could end up being to him in this situation. He grabbed Komaeda excitedly by his shoulders so he couldn’t avert his gaze anymore, and the white-haired boy went rigid, as if a jolt of electricity shot straight through his body. “I need you to teach me how to be poetic, okay?”

“H-Hinata-kun,” Komaeda stammered. “You’re…You’re making me sort of nervous…”

“Sorry,” Hinata said, releasing his grip and taking a step back. He’d almost forgotten that Komaeda wasn’t a normal human being. “I’m sorry. Can you help me, though?”

“I’m not so sure this is a good idea, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, glancing anxiously off to the side. “I mean, why would you even need my help with this in the first place? I’ll probably just make it worse.”

“Listen,” Hinata sighed, unable to believe that he was actually about to share such a thing with Komaeda. “I got this letter, okay? I’m not gonna tell you much about it or show it to you or anything, so don’t even ask. But basically the person who sent it didn’t say who they were, and I wrote a letter back to them and gave it to Monomi to give them, because apparently she knew who it was but wouldn’t tell me. I sent that letter a couple days ago though, and I haven’t heard anything since.”

“So…what?” Komaeda inquired, blinking over at him with an idle smile on his face. “Why do you need me?”

Hinata frowned. “I’m worried I might have scared the person off,” he admitted. “You see, I really wanted to know who it was, so I asked them in my letter, but I’m starting to think that may not be the best way to draw them out. If I could write nice and write back and forth with them for a while, maybe I’ll be able to build up trust and make them comfortable enough to tell me.”

“Hinata-kun, you don’t need to write any differently to get the person to like you,” Komaeda replied. “If they like you enough to write letters to you, then why would they want you to change something?”

“No, you don’t get it, Komaeda,” Hinata sighed. He shouldn’t have expected freaking Komaeda to be able to understand something like this. “If you don’t want to help it’s fine. Maybe it’s better that way, actually.”

“Oh, um, alright then,” Komaeda said softly, turning his gaze back to the trees, and Hinata felt oddly dissatisfied. The poor kid looked like a puppy that had been kicked one too many times, for God’s sake.

“Hey,” he found himself saying, so done with questioning whether his interactions with Komaeda were too harsh or too soft that he didn’t have the energy to care anymore. The kicked puppy in question perked up a bit at his voice, returning his gaze with a slightly puzzled, slightly expectant expression. “Sorry, I just don’t know what I’m doing with this at all. I don’t know how I’m supposed to write letters to my secret admirer when they’re so good at writing nice things. I don’t know how I even got a secret admirer. Like honestly, have I done anything extraordinary that would make me stand out in any way?”

“Of course you’re extraordinary, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda insisted, missing the point of the whole goddamn confession and just resorting to what he did best, which was patting Hinata on the back whether he wanted it or not. “You’re an Ultimate just like everybody else, aren’t you? Every one of you is special in your own way, so why wouldn’t you be special too?”

“That’s not the point Komaeda,” Hinata growled, trying to contain his exasperated frustration and not explode on Komaeda even though he insisted upon having such a thick skull. Hinata was almost sure he did it on purpose sometimes. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m not necessarily the best at being flowery and flattering and all that shit, but my stupid penpal is so good at it, and it actually feels kinda nice having someone say that kinda stuff about you so I wanna return the favor and maybe try to find out who it is, but I’m not good enough at to actually get anywhere with it.”

“It…feels nice?” Komaeda inquired, and Hinata felt a bit perplexed.

“Um, yeah, getting nice compliments generally feels good,” Hinata replied, and then a wave of guilt crashed right over him. _Oh no, don’t tell me this kid doesn’t know what it’s like to get compliments like that,_ he thought anxiously.

Instead though, Komaeda confused him even further by producing a nice, big, happy-looking smile, and it reminded him of the smile when Komaeda leaned over him as he woke up on the beach, sand underneath Hinata’s back, halo of light behind Komaeda’s stupid, curly fluff ball of white that he liked to call hair. “That’s great, then,” he replied earnestly, at least as far as Hinata could tell. “Don’t worry, I’m sure your penpal will get back to you soon, Hinata-kun. Maybe they just met a couple bumps in the road!”

“Oh shit, you don’t mean they died, do you?” Hinata gasped in realization, blanched of all his color. “Oh man, that didn’t even occur to me, but I got that letter before the second trial so it’s not impossible. What if it was Pekoyama or Koizumi?”

“Or Kuzuryuu if we’re going by that logic, because although he’s not dead, he is incapacitated,” Komaeda added, helpful as ever. “Ah, that’s really not what I was getting at, though. You might be able to clarify with Monomi if that’s the case, but if not, I’m sure the person’s letter will arrive soon.”

“But if the person’s still alive and I do continue sharing letters with them, will you help me?” Hinata asked again.

“Ah, I don’t know how I could, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda replied. “What do you want me to do, teach you how to be poetic?”

“Exactly,” Hinata replied. Now they were finally getting somewhere, despite the fact that it had taken far longer than it should have in the first place. “Teach me how to write nice sounding things.”

“Well, I don’t know how easy it is to just learn, especially if I’m the one teaching you,” Komaeda started. “But it’s really just about observing things, and noticing a bunch of little things around you. Then you start noticing that some things remind you of certain people or other things, and you just make comparisons. Either that or you just comment on little things directly pertaining to people.”

“So it’s just about observation, huh?” Hinata mumbled thoughtfully.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Komaeda said with a nod. “Just paying attention to the little things, and then using your words to describe them as accurately as you can. You just need practice, is all.”

“Practice,” Hinata murmured. “Could I practice with you, then?”

“Huh?” Komaeda questioned. “What do you mean?”

“Well I mean I have to watch over you so you don’t kill anybody anyway,” Hinata prefaced, “so I might as well get something out of it, right?”

“Um, if that’s really something you’d like to do, then I guess I won’t decline,” Komaeda laughed a bit nervously. “Ah, but perhaps it would be better to begin on a different day. It’s starting to get a bit late, and I’m sure you’ve already spent more than a desirable amount of time with me today.” Then he smiled, and it made Hinata want to smile too, but he fought the urge. “I actually did enjoy myself though, no matter how disorienting it was.”

“Yeah, sure,” Hinata replied. “I guess we can talk more about it tomorrow.”

And with that, the two boys made it back to their cottages for the night, and Hinata wondered just what in hell he was getting himself into by enlisting Komaeda to his side. He wasn’t sure how worth it the situation really was, but he supposed it was good to keep the kid occupied somehow.

He just hoped with all his might that Komaeda Nagito wouldn’t mess up anything between him and his secret admirer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I think Komaeda's joking attitude kinda goes over Hinata's head half the time. Like, he'll make a self-deprecating comment of some sort, and it'll be sort of serious since he thinks so lowly of himself, but he's also kinda trying to kid around and lighten the mood a little? Either that or he's sorta making fun of the other person, because I do think he can be little snarky sometimes. idk that's the impression I get (albeit not in every case; sometimes it comes across as serious). I don't think Hinata finds it very funny though.
> 
> And also the Kamikaze book is real! I read it for a school project and it just popped into my head while I was writing so I put it in. It was actually a pretty interesting read.
> 
> But anyway, thanks so much for being interested enough in this story to read the second chapter! I really hope you liked it, and feel free to leave feedback if you'd like!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, new chapter time! And man this one is really, really long. Sorry about that, it just sorta got away from me a little I guess
> 
> But seriously, thanks for all the support! Your comments fuel me and make me want to write more! You're all so kind, and I really appreciate it more than you could imagine!
> 
> But anyway, I don't have much to say here other than Komaeda is super adorable in the new anime. Like, super duper adorable. Oh, and we're gonna pretend that there's more time in between murder cases in this fic, because I. Need more time between murder cases. Yikes.
> 
> Anyway, here we go!

“Ah, Hinata-kun!” the pink and white bunny exclaimed. “Is there something I can do for you?”

Hinata felt his fingers curl up tightly into fists at his sides. He’d tried his best to wait patiently, but he was beginning to get a bit worried. What if something had happened? What if the person who had written his letter really was dead?

“Um, I was just wondering about something,” he started. “You know that anonymous letter you gave me a while ago?”

“Of course!” Monomi replied.

“Well, I know you don’t wanna tell me who wrote it,” Hinata said, “but I haven’t heard back from them, and it makes me a little nervous that something might have happened. I guess I’m just…listen, it wasn’t Koizumi or Pekoyama, was it?”

“Oh, goodness!” Monomi cried, clearly upset by the mention of the dead students. “Oh, what a horrible thing! I can see why that thought might worry you, Hinata-kun!”

“Well, was it one of them?” Hinata demanded, his blood running cold. “Or even Kuzuryuu, maybe? He’s not back yet either.”

“Hinata-kun, you’re letter writer is okay!” Monomi finally declared. “What happened at the last trial was so horrible I can hardly bear it, but the person who wrote your letter is unharmed. Actually, I was meaning to find you today. I have this for you.”

Hinata’s eyes widened as the rabbit produced an envelope, and it took all his energy not to snatch it from her on sight. “Another one?” he barely breathed. “From the same person?”

“They told me to apologize for how late it is,” she replied. “They apologized over and over. I don’t think they needed to be quite so sorry, but they were.”

“It’s fine,” Hinata said, grabbing the letter quickly as she held it out to him. He stared at it for a moment before finally returning his gaze to her eyes. “Thank you,” he said with a nod. “So they’re really okay?”

“Yes, they’re not hurt,” Monomi affirmed. “I must admit that I worry about them sometimes, though.”

“Really?” Hinata questioned. He was starving for information on his anonymous admirer.

“Unfortunately, I do,” Monomi sighed. “I’m hopeful that maybe their communications with you could help a bit, though!”

 _So Monomi is worried about my admirer,_ Hinata thought on his way back to his cottage, staring down at the envelope in his hands. _I wonder why. She said that she hopes I’ll be able to help them, too. Maybe this whole situation is really taking a toll on them and they need support or something._

Hinata pushed his speculation aside as he shut the door of his cottage behind him, immediately tearing the envelope open to retrieve what was inside. He unfolded the paper quickly but still with care in order not to damage it, and once it was open his eyes were glued to its surface.

_To my dearest Hinata Hajime,_

_The first thing I want to do is apologize for the tardiness of my response! I’m really very sorry for making you wait, but the truth is that I was shocked beyond my imagination at receiving a letter from you. You see, I hope I don’t disappoint you in admitting this, but I never intended for you to receive my first letter at all. Perhaps it’s rather embarrassing, but I only wrote it in order to compose my feelings better, and when I lost it Monomi thought that I had intended to give it to you. I apologize for subjecting you to such embarrassing rubbish._

_Ah, but the fact remains that you did receive my letter, and it’s clear to me that it would be inconsiderate to run away from this situation when you even put in the effort to respond to me. Your inexperience in writing doesn’t bother me in the slightest; I’m simply delighted to receive such a positive response from you! Unfortunately, I don’t believe I’m able to fulfill your request of learning my identity, though. Perhaps it was cruel of me to respond with no intention of giving you what you were looking for, and for that I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to let you down that much after the high hopes you had from my first letter. Surely that hope would dwindle soon after learning my identity, and I’d rather you have the pleasure of knowing that somebody looks at you in such a positive light but not know who that person is than ruin all the happiness that might have come with those feelings by telling you who I am._

_The further I get into this letter, the more I realize that I have no idea how to articulate myself, or even what I’m trying to say to you. Please, forgive me for being so hideously scatterbrained! You truly are an amazing person, you know. Even if I never intended for you to read it, I meant every word of what I wrote in my first letter, and I want you to know that. I want you to know that you’re bright and beautiful and great, but I’m so dim in comparison that you’d be better off not even being aware of who I am. I apologize for eating up so much of your precious time, but I hope you can at least walk away from this with a greater realization of how special you are. I hope you can be as proud of yourself as I am of you._

_Sincerely,_

_Your hopeless yet still devoted secret admirer_

Hinata blinked down at the letter after finishing, left with a frown hanging from his lips. Why would his admirer think their identity would disappoint him so much? He could understand being hesitant because of embarrassment at owning up to the letter, especially if the first one was never meant to be read, but it seemed that his admirer was so insecure of simply being the person they were that they actually thought Hinata would be disgusted upon the reveal.

 _Am I really that intimidating?_ Hinata thought to himself, sitting down on his bed and scratching a bit at his head. _Have I given anybody a reason to think that I dislike them?_

Hinata played back what he could remember of his time on the island so far with his white ceiling backdrop acting as a movie screen, noticing with increasing dread that he did in fact have quite a habit of cutting people down when they were acting stupid. Maybe his talent was Super High School Lever Sass Master. “Ugh, I can’t help that, though,” he groaned, leaning forwards over his legs once more and huffing out a sigh. “Everyone here’s so weird, and sometimes I just say stuff without even considering it. It’s not like I actually have anything against anybody here, though.”

Hinata stood back up, folding the letter back up and sliding it into his pocket. He would probably be late to breakfast, so it would be best to stop fretting over it for the time being and get over to the restaurant.

“Wahhhh, Hajime!” he was bombarded with immediately, followed by a blur of color flashing before his eyes. “You’re late! We wanna know what you think too!”

“Wh—, Mioda?” Hinata cried, grabbing the girl by the shoulders and holding her at arm’s length. “What are you talking about? What I think about what?”

“Sonia-san’s never been to a festival!” Souda interjected, seeming to be much too excited. “Can you believe that, Hinata? Not one festival!”

“Well I mean, she’s not from Japan,” Hinata pointed out, shifting Mioda to the side so he could actually get past her and into the room. “It makes sense.”

“But wouldn’t it be the perfect opportunity to expose her to some Japanese culture!” Souda exclaimed.

“The perfect opportunity? We’re stuck on an island where we’re expected to kill each other.”

“Actually, we thought that it might be a good team-building activity,” Nanami pointed out quietly from the side. “I know the last party didn’t end very well, but this time it will be a low pressure situation, and we’ll be outside rather than in a closed-in area. It could be a good opportunity to build stronger bonds and get to know each other better.”

“Huh, I guess so,” Hinata murmured, crossing his arms as he worked the thought around in his mind. “So we’d be doing Tanabata then, right? It’s only a few days away.”

“Isn’t it perfect?” Souda swooned. “The star festival, celebrating the meeting of two star-crossed lovers! It’s perfect, yeah? Nothing could be better?”

“Uh, sure,” Hinata muttered, giving Souda an odd look before returning his gaze to the others. “I’d be up for it, I guess. Will we be able to do fireworks though?”

“Monomi-san said that she can help us with fireworks and decorations, and that we would even be able to wear yukata!” Sonia said, seeming to be full of delight and wonder. “Isn’t it so exciting?”

“Yeah, sure,” Hinata replied, allowing himself a small smirk. “Feels like forever since I’ve done any of that stuff. Now, is there any food left?”

Hinata tried his best to socialize with the others as he ate his breakfast, but he couldn’t help the thoughts gnawing at the back of his head. Tanabata? The festival of the star-crossed lovers? He couldn’t help but wonder what his secret admirer thought of it, couldn’t help but be hyper-focused on everybody he spoke to, analyzing their every move and change of intonation or even eye contact in search of some clue. He felt sort of bad that his admirer was unwilling to give their identity, especially with such a romantic event coming up, but he supposed he was getting ahead of himself. Hinata had never really been the romantic type, and he wasn’t confident that he’d have the guts to really do anything about the whole situation even if he did know the identity of his admirer.

Soon breakfast was over and everyone began to disperse, and Hinata hung back in order to catch a certain kid with stupid, fluffy white hair as he tried to go his separate way as well. “Komaeda,” he said, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

Komaeda jumped, twisting around to face him. “Ah, Hinata-kun!” he said soon after, his calm, placid smile settling itself right in its place across his lips as his dusty gaze slipped into Hinata’s. “Is there something you need?”

“We’ve already been over it,” Hinata sighed, glancing over his shoulder to make sure nobody was watching as he fished the note out of his pocket. “Don’t you remember talking about this before?”

Komaeda’s eyes widened a bit at the sight of the piece of paper, his serene smile faltering for a second before spreading itself back out, although this time it seemed just a bit more vacant. “Is that your letter, Hinata-kun?” he asked in a hushed voice, and the whisper scraped against his throat.

“Yeah,” Hinata said with a nod, motioning for Komaeda to start walking with him. The other boy complied. “I just got it from Monomi this morning. They wrote back.”

“Oh, well that’s great, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda said cheerfully. “I told you there was nothing to worry about!”

“Well yeah, nothing happened to them, which is good,” Hinata conceded. “I’m still a little worried, though.”

“Huh? Why?” Komaeda inquired. “Is something still wrong?”

“Well, this time the letter itself was a little bit worrying,” Hinata tried to explain. “It seems that I wasn’t supposed to get their first letter, and that it was given to me accidentally by Monomi after the person dropped it. The writer isn’t willing to tell me who they are.”

“Oh, I see,” Komaeda murmured softly, tapping a finger against his chin in thought. “So they don’t wish to be known, then. Well, what will you do? Are you going to send them another letter?”

“Yeah, I think I will,” Hinata declared with a nod. “As long as they’re willing, I think I’m going to keep writing back and forth.”

“Huh? Why is that?” Komaeda questioned. “Do you intend to draw them out somehow?”

“Geez, don’t make it sound like I’m luring someone out to kill them,” Hinata sighed. “My admirer said they don’t want to tell me who they are because they think I won’t like them if I find out, and then I won’t be happy. But there’s nobody that I dislike on this island, so I don’t know why I would react in a negative way as long as they were being sincere.”

“Really, nobody?” Komaeda inquired for some reason, tilting his head to the side. “Not even one person you dislike?”

“Um, not really,” Hinata replied, glancing up at the sky. It was sort of cloudy, but with the nice sort of clouds that are big and white and fluffy. “I mean there are certain people I talk to more than others and stuff, but it’s not like there’s anybody I wouldn’t talk to, especially if they actually think these things about me.”

“Ah, okay then,” Komaeda said softly, and something in his voice made Hinata glance over. He was staring at the ground as it passed under their feet, smile still in place, and yet his eyes were…sad? Was that right?

“Hey, Komaeda, are you—”

“So you plan on continuing to converse with your admirer, then?” Komaeda continued, cutting him off and looking over at him with an expression so perfectly crafted that it almost made him forget about the previous one. “Do you still have the intent of finding out who it is? What if they never tell you?”

“Well I mean, I’d like it if they eventually did,” Hinata replied honestly. “Monomi told me that she worries about my admirer sometimes, and that she hopes maybe my interactions with them might help them out a little. They seemed pretty insecure in their last letter, but I mean, from what I’ve learned from my communications with them they seem like a nice person. Maybe if I keep talking with them and learning more about them I’ll be able to show them that they shouldn’t be so insecure. And yeah, I guess it would be cool if they told me who they were, too.”

“Oh Hinata-kun, how kind of you!” Komaeda laughed lightly, eyes closed and head thrusted back just a bit. “Not to say that you aren’t a kind person, but you’ve really made this secret admirer your responsibility!”

“Hey, don’t laugh at me,” Hinata huffed irritably. “That’s not what I’m keeping you around for.”

“Say, Hinata-kun, what if your admirer has good reason to be insecure?” Komaeda posed, having recovered from his fit of inappropriate (at least in Hinata’s eyes) laughter. “You don’t know much about them at this point, so what if there’s something terrible they’re hiding? What if they’re a nasty, good-for-nothing excuse for a human being and you just don’t know it yet? Then wouldn’t this all be a waste?”

“Hey, shut up!” Hinata spat with much more intensity than he expected his voice to carry. “I’m not gonna sit here and listen to you poison my thoughts, or whatever shit you’re trying to pull right now.”

“Of course, of course, I was just joking!” Komaeda insisted with a laugh, holding his hands up as if he were surrendering, but Hinata still studied him with narrowed eyes. “Of course all of you are wonderful, beautiful, talented examples of hope that I could never even think of criticizing, and I’m the nasty, good-for-nothing excuse for a human, happy to just grovel at your feet! It was just a joke, hahaha, but I suppose comedy isn’t your reason for keeping me around either, huh?”

Hinata frowned at him for a moment, displeased, and yet he couldn’t pinpoint in his mind just what it was that perturbed him so much. “Yeah, I guess it’s not, huh?” Hinata finally replied. He stopped walking, and Komaeda slowed to a stop next to him, gazing out over the landscape. “Do you wanna get started, then?”

“The beach where we first met each other,” Komaeda said with a smile, inhaling the sea salt breeze deeply through his nose. “Yes, this is perfect, Hinata-kun. There are plenty of beautiful things to describe here.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Hinata murmured, glancing over at the other boy. The sunlight filtered through his pale hair, painting it with a warm glow that almost seemed to breathe life into the whiteness of his complexion. The sunlight was kind to him, Hinata thought. It helped to fill in the dark blotches under his eyes and the deep shadows that formed from the result of his gaunt face and high cheekbones. “Well, how do we start, then?”

“I think we should begin with basic comparisons and observations,” Komaeda explained, turning his gaze on Hinata. “For instance: Hinata’s hair is spiky like a porcupine!”

“Hey, I thought we were describing the beach,” Hinata objected. “That’s why I decided to come here instead of somewhere else.”

“We can describe whatever we want, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted with a smile. “The only limits are the mental ones we place on ourselves. Why don’t you give it a try, then?”

“Yeah, okay, fine,” Hinata grumbled, letting out a puff of air as he searched for an item to describe. He found his eyes trailing back up to the sky, and suddenly he had something. “Komaeda’s hair is white and fluffy like those clouds up there,” he stated triumphantly, looking back down at Komaeda with a smirk as he pointed a finger towards to sky.

“Ah, you described me!” Komaeda said, eyebrows rising in mild surprise. “You didn’t have to do me, Hinata-kun. You can do whatever you want.”

“I wanted to do you. You’re easy,” Hinata said, soon after realizing the mistakes in his phrasing. “Because you’re weird-looking,” he quickly added, practically stumbling over his words in an effort to get them out. “You’re weird and unique looking, so it’s easy to find things about you to describe.”

“Ah, I suppose so,” Komaeda replied politely, seeming to be unsure of how to respond. Hinata felt like kicking himself.

“Isn’t it better to try to describe people, anyway?” Hinata pointed out. “I mean that’s kind of the goal, isn’t it?”

“Well yes, I guess so,” Komaeda mused, eyes travelling up in thought. “The trouble is you’ll be describing someone by personality and not appearance, since you won’t know who they are, but we can work up to that. For now appearance is probably a good place to start.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll say something else about you, then,” Hinata said. “What should I describe next?”

“Uh, anything, really,” Komaeda assured him, but his smile seemed to be stretched a bit tighter than usual. “What else sticks out besides my hair?”

“Your…” Hinata studied him intently, frowning as he tried to pick out a feature to describe, “…eyes. Your eyes, I guess. I don’t know.”

“Oh? What about them?” Komaeda inquired, tilting his head to the side.

“You…look like a raccoon.”

“Hah?”

“Oh shit,” Hinata almost choked, clamping a hand over his mouth. _That was mean, wasn’t it?_ “Sorry, Komaeda.”

“Ah, no worries,” Komaeda insisted. “I’m not offended, Hinata-kun. Why do I look like a raccoon?”

“Those dark circles under your eyes,” Hinata replied cautiously. “It’s like a raccoon mask. Or bruises, too. They’re kinda purplish like bruises. Are you sure you get enough sleep, Komaeda?”

“Wow, excellent descriptions, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda replied instead, his face lighting up with a big, wide smile. “Those were very creative observations!”

“Uh, thanks?” Hinata muttered, feeling kind of uncomfortable with the fact that Komaeda was praising him for essentially insulting him.

“Do you want to try another one?” Komaeda inquired, apparently inviting Hinata to freely insult him some more. Perhaps it would be nice to have a bit more delicacy this time.

“Um, I’ll try,” Hinata said. He started searching for another feature to describe once more, his eyes scouring every inch of the boy’s body. He leaned in a little closer, close enough that he could hear the breaths ratting inside of Komaeda’s air passageways. He found himself staring at the boy’s collarbone, how easy it was to see the lines of bone under the near translucent skin. “Your skin,” he then said, looking back up to find that the two of them were much closer than they had been moment ago. He must not have realized just how close they were standing. “Um, your skin is really white,” he said softly, hoping his voice was at an appropriate volume for the distance between them, and his gaze got lost somewhere in those dusty green raccoon eyes. “Skin, um. Your skin…white like lily petals…”

Komaeda’s eyes were wide and frozen, just as Hinata’s gaze was frozen in his. The boy blinked once. Twice. Eventually a smile broke across his face like a crack through glass, and he jumped back with a jolt, as if someone had just struck him with a bolt of lightning.

“Ahahahahahaha!” he laughed almost frantically, shaking Hinata out of whatever weird-ass stupor he’d been stuck in. “Wow, Hinata-kun! Good job! You’re better at this than you gave yourself credit for, hahahaha! You don’t even need my help at all, do you? Hahahahaa…”

“Komaeda…” Hinata frowned at the fractured quality of the sound and cleared his voice. “Komaeda,” he tried again. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Komaeda reassured him, smiling a much-too-big smile. “Really though, very good job, Hinata-kun! I don’t see why you need someone like me telling you how to do these things when you’re clearly perfectly capable of doing it on your own.”

“I’m not though,” Hinata objected. “Like you said, these are just the basics. I need your help working on it and getting better to the point where it’s actually useful.”

Komaeda studied him for a moment, reluctance obvious in the way he tapped his fingers against one another. “Alright then,” he finally gave in. “I guess I’ll still try to help if that’s really what you want. Perhaps it would be best to take a break, though. We’ve been busy walking around and practicing, but it will be lunchtime relatively soon. Maybe we should wait until after we’ve both eaten before practicing some more.”

“Oh, um, sure,” Hinata murmured, somehow surprised that Komaeda was the one to propose a break, although he couldn’t explain to himself why. “Do you wanna go to the diner? I know the restaurant’s closer, but we just ate there this morning.”

“Huh?” Komaeda said, his eyebrows angling down almost anxiously. “Together?”

“Oh,” Hinata mumbled, realizing that if even Komaeda recognized this as a bad idea then perhaps he should take a moment to consider what he was doing. Still, his preoccupations got the best of him. “Well it’s more convenient that way, right? That way we don’t have to find each other again after lunch. And plus, I kinda wouldn’t mind talking to you about this whole situation a little bit, if you don’t mind.”

“Talking to me about it?” Komaeda questioned. “I thought you said before that you didn’t want me to know all the details and I shouldn’t ask.”

Hinata frowned at his past self for setting up the contradiction. “Well, yeah I know, but I just feel like I need to get my mind straight about it, you know? And nobody but you knows about it, so it’s not like I have any other options.”

“You wouldn’t tell anybody else?” Komaeda inquired. “Someone more worthy of trust?”

“Well in this situation I don’t know who I can trust,” Hinata replied. “Anyone could be my secret admirer, so I don’t want to just talk about it with anybody. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Komaeda, you’re the only one I can trust when it comes to this.”

“Oh,” Komaeda spoke quietly, staring wide-eyed at the other boy. “Okay, then.”

“And only when it comes to this,” Hinata stressed. “I don’t want you getting the wrong idea here or anything.”

“Of course, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said much too cheerily for Hinata’s liking. “I know my place well! And if there’s anything a piece of garbage like myself can do for you, I’d be delighted to do it!”

Hinata frowned in distaste at Komaeda’s description of himself, but decided to overlook it this time. “Okay whatever, let’s just get to the diner, alright? It’s kind of a long walk, so I’m sure we’ll be pretty hungry by the time we get there.”

Sure enough, Hinata at the very least was pretty hungry when they’d finally made it to the diner. Komaeda held the door open for him as they went inside, and for some reason it took that for him to realize just how weird the situation was. Hanging out with Komaeda. Alone. All day starting after breakfast, with nobody else there. Eating lunch together. Letting Komaeda hold the door open for him. Huh.

“Uh, so we’ll probably have to make our own food, right?” Hinata said just loud enough to make it sort of awkward, attempting to ignore the misgivings buzzing around in the back of his mind. “I mean, it’s not like there are any staff here.”

“Maybe,” Komaeda hummed thoughtfully. “There might be some in the kitchen, though. The restaurant at the hotel has fresh food for us every morning, so this place could be the same.”

And as it turned out, it was the same. And so before he knew it, there was Hinata, sitting in a booth across from Komaeda Nagito of all people with a short stack of pancakes in front of him along with a stupid, smiling face that he tried very hard not to look at. _This really is weird,_ he couldn’t help but think. _Why did I ever think this was a good idea?_

“So you wanted to talk to me about this ‘situation,’ right Hinata-kun?” Komaeda prompted helpfully, and Hinata wondered if he could sense his discomfort.

“Right,” Hinata affirmed, watching Komaeda’s bony, white hands as he spread butter over his pancakes with a knife, unable to stop his mind from reminding him that things didn’t go over too well the last time Komaeda had been allowed access to knives. He cleared his throat. “Well, um, you’re, uh, smart?”

“Huh?” Komaeda gasped incredulously, pausing his butter-spreading in order to appear fittingly shocked. “Smart? Oh Hinata-kun, while I’m flattered beyond belief at your praise, you’re clearly mistaken! In fact, this must be a joke, right? Hahaha, you actually fooled me for a second, Hinata-kun!”

“Okay, no, stop that,” Hinata said with a frown, unamused. “You’re smart. You solve all the murders before anybody else, even though you were tied up until the investigation for the second murder. You can’t deny it.”

“As much as you must know what you’re talking about far more than a worm like me, I can’t say that I share your feelings,” Komaeda replied. “Ah, well I suppose we can simply agree to disagree, as they say!”

“Oh my God,” Hinata grumbled, rolling his eyes. “What I’m saying is that I want to talk to you about who my secret admirer might be.”

This time the knife slipped from Komaeda’s hand entirely, clattering against the edge of his plate and resulting in a sound that made him flinch. “Ah, what was that?” he spoke softly.

“I want to talk to you about who it might be,” Hinata repeated. “You might be crazy as hell, but you’re good at solving mysteries, and there must be some evidence we can gather from the letters.”

“So…” Komaeda started, “you’re asking me to treat your secret admirer like a murder case?”

“Not a murder case!” Hinata hissed. “Just a mystery! And I’m not trying to hire you as a detective or anything, I just want to be able to think about it and get your input and stuff, okay? I mean, you’re good at that kinda stuff.”

“I don’t know, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda murmured uneasily, glancing off to the side a bit as he picked up his knife once more. “I realize you’re eager to find out more about your secret admirer, but you made it quite clear before that you didn’t want me so involved in your personal life. Are you sure you’ve thought this all the way through?”

Hinata frowned down at his pancakes, allowing himself to really think about what Komaeda was saying. Had he given this idea enough consideration? He remembered their first days on the island, how easily Komaeda had slipped into his life, how natural it was for them to stand by each other’s sides. He remembered the investigation for the first trial, when they’d teamed up to gather evidence, when they’d worked together so well. _It was all a lie, though,_ he reminded himself. _It was all a lie, especially that investigation. Remember the trial. Remember that glint in his eyes, how far away they were, like they weren’t even present in reality. Swirling, frightening, distant staring, smiling a smile much too wide, much too fragmented, like an open wound split across his face, a gash through his skin, his lily petal skin—_

“In all honesty, it’s sort of difficult for me to understand why you’re asking this,” Komaeda continued, scattering the disturbed thoughts with a voice that made Hinata flinch. “It couldn’t be that you expect it to be how it was before, could it? That you wish to erase the more recent memories from your brain, replace them with a calling back to the old ones? That you wish to replace this _me_ with the older one? How naïve of you, Hinata-kun. I even stated it at the trial, that there’s no way I could deceive any of you. There’s no way to return to the past once it’s been irrevocably soiled, once you comprehend more of the entire picture. You keep staring at it, peering in for any glimpse of that boy who first met you on this island, but hasn’t it ever occurred to you that he never left? Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that he wasn’t an act, that this isn’t either? That he’s the same as the one from the trial room, and the same as the person speaking to you right now? Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that it was always this way, and that you only now are able to recognize how rotten that person has been from the very beginning?”

“Komaeda, you’re not making any sense…” Hinata mumbled breathlessly, although the sinking feeling in his stomach told him that he understood more of it than he was willing to let himself acknowledge in the moment.

“But what a self-centered thing for me to say!” Komaeda then laughed, tossing his head back and squeezing his eyes shut, and it sent chills running down each bump in Hinata’s spine. “How egotistical! Of course none of that would ever consciously cross your mind! Your chief concern is the identity of your dear admirer, and you’re simply using me as a means to an end. You don’t long to draw out the ‘old me’ by means of cooperation over a harmless puzzle, although perhaps that’s an assumption that comes as a side-effect of your desires to get what you really want. But is it really worth it to have me by your side when you realize that there’s no chance of that happening, Hinata-kun? Does it really matter to you that much?”

 _This was a stupid idea,_ Hinata scolded himself internally, finding his gaze drawn to Komaeda’s hand, to the metal knife gripped tightly in his fingers, so tightly that his knuckles went whiter than before, whiter than white. His mind was racing, and before he knew what he was doing he found himself leaning over the table, grabbing the knife, or really Komaeda’s hand. His flesh was cold, the muscles coiled tightly under his skin, each of his bones and tendons jutting out in a way that made them impossible to ignore, and still Hinata couldn’t fathom why his mind was registering all these things in that moment. Komaeda’s eyes widened, found Hinata’s. His smile fell away instantly, his lips slightly parted, his gaze steady and wide and puzzled and almost sort of frightened, it seemed. His fingers loosened around the knife, and Hinata let out a breath of air that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

They were simply staring at each other now, and the moment stretched on longer than Hinata expected it to. He didn’t like the look in Komaeda’s eyes, didn’t like the hint of confusion and fear locked inside. He seemed like a lost child, and it made Hinata’s chest feel tight. “No knives for you today,” he finally said, unsure of how appropriate a response it was, but also unsure of what the hell would be an appropriate response after such a display.

“Hinata-kun, I would never harm you…” Komaeda started breathlessly, but his voice hitched and was swept away along with the rest of his thought.

“I know,” Hinata said with a nod, despite the fact that he was not in the least bit confident of that claim. “But no knives today, okay?”

“…How do you want me to eat my food?” Komaeda inquired. “Do you want me to eat it like a dog, bending my head down while you—”

“Stop it, no,” Hinata said with a frown. “Give me your plate. I’ll…I’ll cut your pancakes for you. You’re allowed to use your fork.”

Komaeda looked surprised, but he decided not to make a comment, astonishingly. He pushed his plate forward, and Hinata pulled it in front of him.

“Um, do you want the syrup on it first?” Hinata inquired. “Or will you just put it on afterwards?”

“Oh, pancakes are sweet enough without syrup,” Komaeda replied, and Hinata couldn’t believe they were talking about preferences regarding pancakes after the outburst that had just happened.

“Huh, okay,” Hinata mumbled, beginning to cut up Komaeda’s food. They were silent for a moment, and then he cautiously decided to speak. “You don’t have to help me if you don’t want to.”

“Huh?” Komaeda sounded. “You mean about your admirer?”

“Yeah,” Hinata replied. “I guess I was a little wrapped up in it, but of course you wouldn’t want to waste your time on something like this. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have a choice in the matter, because you do. I’m asking you to help, not making you.”

“But Hinata-kun, would you really want someone like me meddling in things like that?” Komaeda inquired cautiously, watching his pancakes as Hinata sliced them into bite-sized pieces.

“I asked for your help in being more poetic, didn’t I?” Hinata pointed out. “Which, by the way, you have no obligation to do either. I appreciate the help, but don’t feel like you have to do any of this if you don’t want to.”

“But I don’t understand, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted. “I don’t understand why you want my help of all people.”

“Well I don’t understand you either,” Hinata replied. “I hardly understand anything you do, but it doesn’t mean I can’t learn from you. Maybe we can learn some stuff from each other.”

Komaeda frowned a bit. “Hinata-kun, you’re being too nice to me,” he objected. “It’s making me nervous.”

“I’m serious, though,” Hinata replied, finally looking back up as he pushed Komaeda’s plate back over to him. “I might be wary of you after everything that’s happened, and I still don’t really understand you or even trust you, but it’s pretty clear that there’s a lot to learn from you in my eyes. Honestly, I’m the self-centered one here, selfishly expecting you to help me when you don’t owe me anything. If there’s anything I can help you with in return then I will, but I understand if you just don’t want anything to do with it entirely.”

“Wow, Hinata-kun is offering to help me in return,” Komaeda laughed nervously, staring wide-eyed down at his chopped-up pancakes and taking his fork in hand, and Hinata was worried he might have broken him.

“Well, within reason,” Hinata clarified, picking up the maple syrup to finally tend to his own pancakes. “I’m not gonna kill anybody or anything ridiculous like that, but it’s only right to do something in return, otherwise I’ll feel guilty. You’re kind of a freak, but I can’t just use you like some tool and throw you away.”

“Look at Hinata-kun, showing sympathy to trash!” Komaeda laughed jovially. “You really are a kind person, aren’t you?”

“It’s just common human decency,” Hinata insisted, placing the syrup back on the table to finally satiate his hunger.

“Well where exactly do you want to start, looking for this admirer of yours?” Komaeda inquired, stabbing a pancake piece with his fork and popping it in his mouth.

“Oh, um, I just wanted to run some things past you that I think I’ve gathered from the first two letters,” Hinata explained, somehow surprised at the other boy’s willingness to participate, especially so soon after he’d been objecting.

“Oh?” Komaeda asked, tilting his head to the side. “And what have you picked up from the first two letters?”

“Well, they were very kind and descriptive,” Hinata began. “Their writing was really nice and pretty, but they were super humble about it. They told me I was like the sun.”

Komaeda tensed, his eyes wide and his mouth formed in a strange, blank smile. “Hah! How embarrassing!”

“Well, kinda,” Hinata conceded, smirking a bit himself. “They even admitted to being pretty embarrassed about it in their second letter, but they never meant to send it, remember? And apparently they have pretty low self-esteem too, because they came across as really insecure.”

“So we’re looking for a nice person who can say really pretty but embarrassing things with a low self-esteem,” Komaeda recapped, swallowing another bite of food. “Not to dampen your mood, but that isn’t much. Just because the person writes descriptively doesn’t mean that they use that type of language in conversation, and many people cover up insecurity as well.”

“Yeah I know,” Hinata sighed. “There is one other thing, though. It may be jumping a bit to a conclusion, but it’s just the feeling I get.”

“Well what is it?” Komaeda inquired.

“Um, I think there’s a chance it might be a girl.”

“Why is that?”

“It seems like they’re romantically interested in me.”

This time Komaeda went totally rigid. “What? Romantically…?”

“Um, yeah,” Hinata replied, a bit worried for the boy’s sanity, although he supposed that had been called into question a lot recently. “I mean, that’s usually the connotation that goes along with the phrase ‘secret admirer.’ Not to sound like I’m bragging in any way, but they told me I was beautiful, Komaeda.”

“Beautiful…” Komaeda murmured, staring at Hinata with an inexplicably conflicted expression, it seemed. “Hm, yes, I suppose that would typically imply a romantic attraction of some sort, although you wouldn’t typically expect a girl to describe a boy they liked as beautiful, would you?”

Hinata furrowed his brow. “Are you trying to imply that it could also be a—”

“Nonetheless, that does sound rather romantic, so it most likely would be a girl,” Komaeda cut him off, smiling a big, bright, helpful smile. “Wow, great job, Hinata-kun! You’re already narrowing down the suspects! You don’t even need me at all!”

“Now that you mention it, even if it is romantic, I guess it could still be a guy,” Hinata mumbled, ignoring Komaeda’s praise. “It didn’t occur to me that any of the guys on this island could be gay, but it’s not necessarily—”

“Hinata!” came a sudden voice, shocked and appalled by the sound of it. Hinata tilted his head to peer around the fluffy cloud of Komaeda’s hair to see just who had entered the diner, and he repressed a sigh of frustration when he saw a certain pink-haired mechanic stomping towards him. “What are you doing, man?”

“Eating?” Hinata suggested, taking a bite of his pancakes to punctuate the statement.

“With _him?”_ Souda practically shouted, gesturing wildly to Komaeda. “This kid’s outta his mind! Why are you sittin’ across from him eating?”

“It’s my life, my choices,” Hinata replied, although he could feel the beginnings of anxiety gnawing away at his heart. He’d been asking himself the same question since the beginning of lunch with Komaeda, and the only reason he’d been able to come up with to satisfy himself was that he needed the crazy boy’s help, but there was no way he could tell Souda that.

“But Komaeda?” Souda spat. “Really? Why would you even wanna be around him at all, let alone without anybody else?”

“Well someone has to watch over him, right?” Hinata said before he even got the chance to consider what he was saying. “Do you really think it’s smart to just let him wander around unsupervised?”

“Well, no,” Souda conceded, “but are you sure this is the best way?”

“Better than tying him up in the lodge and almost having another murder on our hands,” Hinata said a bit sourly.

“Hey! We were trying our best!” Souda argued, jabbing a finger towards Hinata. “I just don’t like you spending too much time with that guy. He’s batshit, man. That can’t be good for your head.”

“No need to worry, Souda-kun!” Komaeda decided to contribute, causing Souda to jump as if he’d forgotten the boy could speak. “Someone as amazing as Hinata-kun would never be so easily swayed by my words!”

“See, he says stuff like that!” Souda shouted to Hinata. “He says stuff like that and it makes me feel like there _is_ something to worry about!”

“He’s not manipulating me, Souda,” Hinata sighed. “Please, I just wanna finish these pancakes. That’s all I want right now.”

“Well I can talk to you while you eat,” Souda insisted.

“Ugh, about what?” Hinata groaned, not even bothering to hide his vexation.

“The festival, of course!” Souda said as if it were common knowledge and Hinata had been living under a rock up until this point. “There’s a lot we need to talk about once this freak gets out of here.”

“Well,” Hinata started, more than a little irritated, “he was kinda here first, so—”

“Oh, if I’m the one holding you two up, then of course I’ll leave immediately,” Komaeda offered with a smile, already shifting to get up from his seat.

“Komaeda,” Hinata said, looking towards the other boy, but he simply received another smile.

“You can have the rest of my pancakes, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda said, at this point on his feet and taking a step back. “Or you if you want, Souda-kun. I’ve already had my fill, and it appears to be my cue to leave.”

“I’m not gonna eat your suspicious-ass pancakes!” Souda shouted indignantly. “You probably spiked them with some crazy shit! Plus, who eats pancakes with no syrup?”

“Oh, it’d be a shame if they went to waste, but I suppose there’s no helping it,” Komaeda replied, unfazed by the blatant ridicule. “Perhaps Hinata-kun will still be hungry when he’s done with his own portion. Well, I hope you two have a productive discussion; the festival will surely be very much fun!”

Hinata opened his mouth to object, but Souda was already sliding into the seat, and Komaeda out the door. He was left with the sound of Souda’s voice droning in his ear and the sight of Komaeda’s retreating form out the window.

 

~~~

Komaeda let out a tremendous breath of air when he finally made it back to his cottage. He’d only been out for half of the day, and yet he felt utterly drained both mentally and physically. He slowly made his way over to the small window, opening it to let in the salty sea breeze as his mind mulled over everything that had happened.

 _It seems like they’re romantically interested in me,_ the words bounced about in his brain. _They told me I was beautiful, Komaeda._

“Love,” Komaeda murmured softly, closing his eyes and allowing the light wind to rustle through his hair as he tested how the word felt on his tongue. A small smile crept across his lips, and his eyelids lifted halfway up his irises. “How ridiculous,” he then sighed. “As if someone like me could ever fit in with something like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that sure was a long one, and sort of draining to write, although I enjoyed it! btw I know the story probs doesn't take place in summer and Tanabata is a summer festival but it just passed fairly recently and I thought it would work out well so here we are?
> 
> You know, I really love writing about Komaeda. This may sound really crazy and hard to justify without sound nuts, but I sort of relate to him on a lot of levels. Not the whole hope obsession and "let's get the mutual killings started" kind of stuff, but just his general feelings and mannerisms. He has a really interesting way of thinking about himself and everything around him, and he connects to all those things around him in a very odd way. Somehow I find him easy for me to understand, though, like I find myself behaving in similar ways and using similar language, and I think that seeing all of that in him really made me notice some things about myself that I didn't see before. I don't know, I guess I'm probably rambling and none of you probably care, but I guess that's just another trait I share with him >< Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter!! Feel free to leave comments below, and get ready for some festival fun in the next chapter!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, time for the next chapter (and they just keep getting longer and longer)!! Wow, I really can't believe all the support I'm getting from you guys! I'm reading all these comments about how you love my writing or you recommended it to a friend or it made you CRY and I'm just over here like jbskdnm,z!!!! Your comments mean so much to me and I'm so happy that I could touch all of you in that way!
> 
> Well anyway, there are a few things that I think I should mention before this chapter. I just want to say that the festival in this chapter is Tanabata, the Japanese Star Festival. I've actually spent a summer living with a host family in Japan before, so I like to think I have a pretty good grasp on some things, but I'm still not Japanese. Festivals like Tanabata are often celebrated differently depending on the area, and the sdr2 kids are high schoolers who put it together on short notice and with limited resources, so what I'm showing here is not very similar to how an actual Tanabata festival would go. I just wanted to give that little warning ahead of time, but if anybody notices anything glaringly wrong, feel free to let me know so I can change it! (That being said, one Tanabata tradition that is in this fic is writing wishes on colorful slips of paper and hanging them from a tree. Just thought I'd mention it in case people were unfamiliar with it)
> 
> The last thing I want to mention is just the rules for a game they play during the festival (however it's not commonly played during Tanabata to my knowledge). Ousama is the Japanese word for "king," and it is the title of a game that is often played when alcohol is involved, but not always. A bunch of chopsticks are marked with numbers, and one of them is marked "Ousama." The players all pick a chopstick randomly, and whoever is Ousama gets to order two of the numbers to do something without knowing who has drawn those two numbers, and everybody redraws chopsticks each round. It's sort of like truth or dare, but without the truths and more randomized.
> 
> Anyway, that's it for my intro! I had a lot of fun with this chapter, so I hope you all aren't disappointed!

_To my anonymous admirer,_

_Hey there, you don’t have to worry about your letter being late. I really don’t mind at all. Actually, I’m hoping you’re okay with me sending you this, because it’s hard for me to tell if you really want to continue writing back and forth. I hope you don’t mind me taking this opportunity to say what I’m about to say._

_Okay, where to start. Well, I guess your last letter made me a little bit concerned. I don’t quite understand why you would think I’d have a negative reaction to finding out who you are. I may not be the best at coming across as friendly all the time, but there’s nobody on this island I dislike, and since I really mean nobody, there’s no way I could dislike you, right? In fact, from what I’ve gathered from your letters, I’m actually pretty fond of the you that you show me in your messages, and you have no reason to hide your true thoughts and disposition when I don’t know who you are, especially when the first letter was originally intended just to get out your feelings. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really feel like you’ve been very open in your writing, and that I like the person I’m seeing in that writing. I like you, so there’s no need to be so scared._

_Wow okay, I’ve rewritten that a couple times by now and I’m still not satisfied with it, but that’ll just have to do. It seems like you have some pretty low self-esteem, but for all you know other people could have really great opinions of you. I mean, I had no idea that anybody thought I was like the sun until you told me, and I never would have guessed it otherwise. In fact, I think you might be closer to the sun than me. You’re the one that brightened my day by saying all those nice things to me, after all. Just try not to let the clouds get in your way, okay?_

_Wow, that was pretty bad. I’m still working on my poetics as you can probably tell, but maybe I should just leave that to you for now. You’re obviously a lot better at it. Anyway, as awkward as this letter is, I hope it can at least reach you on some level, and I really do hope to receive a response from you, even if you’re not quite ready to reveal yourself just yet. Try to keep your head held high._

_Your hopefully encouraging recipient of admiration,_

_Hinata Hajime_

Hinata had sent the letter two days ago at this point, and he was certain his admirer must have received it and most likely read it by now. He was anxious for a response, worried that he may not get one and that he’d never hear from the person again. The thought distressed him more than he was readily willing to admit, but he tried to remain patient. After all, it had only been two days, and he was sure they must be rather busy with the festival coming up.

Come to think of it, the festival was today, wasn’t it?

Hinata started on his way to the restaurant, prepared to face his fellow classmates brimming with excitement about that night. However, he was mildly surprised to find the room almost entirely empty, the only other person in the area being his recent partner-in-crime (or so Hinata liked to call him; he wasn’t entirely comfortable with the implications that would come along with any other, more common labels).

“Huh? Komaeda?” he inquired. “Where is everybody else?”

“Ah, good morning Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said cheerfully. “It seems they’ve all taken to preparing for the festival. That’s already tonight, you know!”

“Yes, I know,” Hinata said with a nod, amazed at how the kid thought it necessary to explain the simplest details to him while at the same time expecting him to solve entire murder cases almost entirely on his own. “But they’re preparing already?”

“I think they wish to wear yukata and be done up properly for the occasion,” Komaeda explained. “In order to give themselves enough time for that I suppose they decided to set up decorations and the sort as early as possible.”

“Well I already set up my decorations,” Hinata said, picking up a plate in order to get himself some food. “What about you? Did you make any?”

“I was thinking of adding some last minute ones, actually,” Komaeda replied. “I’m aware my worthless hands are likely incapable of creating anything worthwhile, but there are some quite beautiful flowers and the like in Jabberwock Park. If I borrow from nature then maybe I can come up with something worthy of contributing.”

“You mean you don’t have any already made?” Hinata inquired around his food. “You won’t have time to get dressed properly if you spend all day on your decorations.”

“Oh, I thought it was quite obvious that I wasn’t invited,” Komaeda laughed a bit. “I think I should just stay away from the beach tonight, personally.”

“So you’re just going to make decorations for an event you’re not even planning on going to?” Hinata questioned with a frown. “That sounds pretty stupid.”

“Oh, well coming from me, would you really expect anything—”

“Did anybody tell you not to come?” Hinata then interjected, not incredibly excited to sit through another self-deprecating monologue of sorts.

“Well no, but nobody ever specifically addressed me when speaking of it,” Komaeda replied. “It’s really alright, Hinata-kun. Even I’m aware of my standings with everybody on this island, and I’m sure they’d all have much more fun without me.”

Hinata frowned over at him, but he couldn’t really think of anything appropriate to say. After all, it was true that most of their fellow classmates would probably prefer it if Komaeda wasn’t there, but Hinata wasn’t quite sure how fair it was for them to expect him not to come, especially when he hadn’t been clearly denied an invitation. To his downright astonishment he was almost sort of disappointed that Komaeda didn’t intend on coming, and yet it was that very feeling that left a sinking feeling in his stomach. Perhaps he was starting to let his guard down too much around this kid.

“It just seems kinda weird for you to literally make decorations and stuff and let us all have fun and then not do anything for yourself, though,” Hinata pressed on, realizing that he probably cared more than he should. “I mean if you don’t wanna go then that’s one thing, but—”

“I’ll be fine, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said with a calm, peaceful smile. Hinata looked into his eyes, looked at them deeply for a moment, searching for anything that might betray sadness or longing. Instead he only saw a hue of pretty, dusty green, framed by long, feathery eyelashes. “I’m not really one for parties much, anyway. I probably would just ruin everybody’s time.”

Hinata continued to study him for a moment, then sighed. “Alright, well I’m not going to argue with you over this. It’s your choice if you want to go or not, so if you don’t nobody’s going to make you. I hope you have fun making your decorations or whatever.”

“Thank you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda chimed, apparently happy. “Actually, if you don’t mind me ducking out on you, I think I’ll head over to the park right now. Even if I don’t plan on attending the festival, I’d like to finish in time to actually set the decorations up. You have fun at the festival, okay?”

“I’ll try,” Hinata replied. “See ya, Komaeda.”

Hinata finished eating on his own, afterwards setting out to find Monomi. She was the one with the yukata, so he’d need to find her in order to get his. And plus, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to inquire about his admirer. Even if there was no letter, he could at least be sure that his own message had gotten to them.

“Oh Hinata-kun, you’re not at the beach?” Monomi asked upon seeing him. “Don’t you need to put up your decorations?”

“I put mine up last night,” Hinata explained. “I came to get my yukata.”

“Yes, of course!” Monomi exclaimed excitedly, producing a deep blue yukata and obi from seemingly nowhere, to Hinata’s surprise. “I thought the blue would suit you well, Hinata-kun!”

“Wow, um, thanks,” Hinata mumbled, taking it from her. “This is pretty nice.”

“I’m glad you like it!” Monomi said proudly, placing her paws on her hips. “I selected each one specially!”

“…Hey Monomi, can I ask you a question?” Hinata then said, hoping she wouldn’t mind that he kept pestering her about the same thing.

“Of course, Hinata-kun.”

“Well, my secret admirer got my letter, right?” Hinata inquired. “It’s not that I expect them to answer right away or anything, but it’s been two days, so…”

“Oh, your admirer got your letter just fine!” Monomi insisted. “I’m sure they read it very soon after receiving it as well. They seemed rather eager.”

“Oh, okay then,” Hinata sighed in relief. “I just wanted to make sure they got it.”

“You really care a lot about your admirer, don’t you Hinata-kun?” Monomi then said, catching Hinata a bit off guard.

“Um, I guess so.”

“That’s so great!” Monomi replied happily. “I love seeing friends getting along! I hope you continue to show kindness to your admirer for all your time on this island.”

“Well I mean, I don’t intend to just stop for no reason,” Hinata replied. “Honestly it would be easier for me to talk to them if I just knew who they were, though. I remember you said you were worried about them.”

“Now Hinata-kun, I see your point, but I told you before that I can’t tell you who it is,” Monomi maintained.

“I guess it was worth a shot,” Hinata sighed.

“Just be observant, Hinata-kun,” Monomi told him. “Pay attention to all of your interactions and I’m sure the answer will come to you soon enough.”

“Um, yeah,” Hinata murmured, a bit surprised at her encouragement. “I’ll try my best.”

“Good,” Monomi said with a smile. “I hope you do.”

It was then that Hinata decided to go back to his cottage and figure out how to put on his yukata. It wasn’t as if he were a total novice, but it had been a couple years since he’d decided to wear any traditional clothes to a festival, and he thought it might take a little finagling in order to properly put it on.

Unfortunately though, it seemed that he’d dramatically overestimated his memory of how to tie an obi (and dramatically underestimated how difficult it would be to figure it out again for himself), and so after about an hour he was left standing in the middle of his room, partially clothed and panting heavily from trying to fight the fabric into place. “Damn,” he breathed irritably. “I’m not going to get this on my own, am I?”

Hinata glanced around, gripping the material of the yukata in his fists and holding it around himself, trying to discern his best option in this (slightly embarrassing) scenario. Everybody else was most likely busy preparing for the festival or tying their own yukata, and he wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of interrupting them and then inevitably being ridiculed for his ineptitude. It was then that the one person _not_ doing any of that stuff popped into his mind, and he immediately started shaking his head.

“No,” he told himself, speaking aloud. “There is no way I’m getting Komaeda to help me tie my obi. That is never going to happen.”

The sun was already well past its highest point in the sky when Hinata got outside. He couldn’t believe that that much time had already passed since the morning, but more than anything he couldn’t believe that he was actually on his way to Jabberwock Park, clenching his untied yukata tightly around his body. He just prayed harder than he ever had before that he wouldn’t run into anybody on his way there.

Komaeda was apparently preoccupied with his flowers when Hinata cautiously made his way to the entrance of the park, sitting in the shade of a tree while twisting the stems together with his hands. The tree’s leaves blocked most of the sunlight from reaching him, but a bit of it shown from between the gaps, dappling his hair and skin with flecks of gold through the small canopy. Hinata stood there for a moment and watched him, watched the way his fingers moved, the way he tilted his head from side to side leisurely, as if to the beat of some sweet melody playing in his mind. Eventually Hinata shook himself out of it, and he started forwards a bit.

“Komaeda!” he called out, and the boy looked up at the sound of his name, a smile spreading out neatly across his face.

“Hinata—” The honorific was lost as Komaeda’s eyes found him, the smile falling immediately from his lips, leaving them hanging open slightly.

Hinata immediately averted his gaze, feeling incredibly embarrassed at thinking it would ever be a good idea to leave his cottage when dressed so indecently. His fingers tightened around the fabric, and he pulled it tighter, trying to cover his chest and everything else as best he could.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda tried again, and when Hinata looked back over he found Komaeda smiling again, trying and failing to make it seem natural. “Is there, um, is…?”

“I need help tying my obi,” Hinata said all at once, even beginning to feel his face burning a little. “I thought I could do it on my own, but I was having trouble, and everybody else is busy and would probably make fun of me.”

“So you want me to tie it for you?” Komaeda inquired incredulously, still staring at Hinata with big, wide eyes.

“I mean, if you don’t mind.”

Komaeda stayed frozen for a second, his limp, blank smile still clinging to his mouth and his eyes still far too big for Hinata’s comfort. Eventually he rose clumsily to his feet, as if yanked up by marionette strings, and he started making his way closer to Hinata. “Um, are you sure you want me to?” he asked almost nervously, like he clearly didn’t think it was a good idea. Hinata thought this would all go a lot better if Komaeda could just act like a normal goddamn person.

“Yeah, it’s fine, just do it already,” Hinata snapped, unsure of why his face was heating up so badly but thinking it had a lot to do with how the situation was being handled.

“But, you don’t even trust me,” Komaeda insisted, stopping at what he must have deemed an appropriate distance. “Are you sure you really want to entrust yourself to me while in such a…vulnerable position?”

“It’s not like I’m ass naked under the yukata, Komaeda,” Hinata hissed. “You’re the one making it weird!”

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make it weird,” Komaeda replied anxiously. “I-I just, um, I can’t help but feel like this is something I shouldn’t be doing.”

“Komaeda, for the love of God, please just tie my obi,” Hinata finally groaned.

“Fine, okay, I’ll try,” Komaeda gave in, grabbing the obi and scampering around Hinata so that he was behind him. “I mean, I can’t do anything really nice looking, but I can at least tie it so your clothes aren’t falling off, hahaha…”

“That’s all I need,” Hinata sighed.

“Hinata-kun, you’re just like Saionji-san!” Komaeda then laughed, presumably trying to bury the unbearable awkwardness of the situation. “You need help tying your obi too!”

“Yeah, just be quiet and tie it,” Hinata grumbled, still waiting for the redness to fade from his cheeks as he felt Komaeda wrap the obi around his waist. “Sorry if I interrupted you and stuff, I just didn’t really know who else to come to.”

“Not to be rude, but I don’t quite understand what you mean,” Komaeda said from behind him, his cold fingers brushing up against Hinata’s neck as he straightened out his collar, and Hinata repressed a shiver. Only because his fingers were cold, of course. “I would expect to be the last person you’d come to for help with this.”

“Well like I said, everybody’s busy,” Hinata explained a bit defensively. “You were the only person I knew where you were for a fact, and I didn’t wanna run all over the place half-clothed. And I mean honestly, you were the only really safe bet.”

“Safe?” Komaeda questioned, surprise clear in how his voice hitched up, a little broken.

“Yeah,” Hinata replied. “I mean, it would be pretty bad if I chose my admirer to help me by accident, don’t you think?”

A short pause, and then: “Yeah, that would be pretty bad, wouldn’t it Hinata-kun?”

Hinata found himself thinking about how he could feel Komaeda’s breath tickling his ear each time he spoke, unsure of what to say but feeling that it was a bit strange to just be silent. However, Komaeda finished quickly after, taking a step back and removing his hands from Hinata’s waist as he turned to face him.

“It may not be the best, but at least it’s something,” Komaeda said.

“No, this is fine,” Hinata responded. “Thanks, Komaeda.”

“Of course,” Komaeda replied with his bright smile, and Hinata wondered what he did to make it shine so much. “Do you really think I could turn you away, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata furrowed his brow. “Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing,” Komaeda replied, starting back towards his spot under the tree with all his flowers, his face turned away from Hinata. “It’s just that you’re such a shining beacon of hope, Hinata-kun. How could a skittering little bug like me turn down any request you could possibly make of me?”

Hinata frowned. “That’s not something I like to hear,” he said. “I don’t want you doing things for me because you feel like you have no other choice.”

“Oh, it’s not like it’s an obligation I feel, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda clarified, settling himself back down in his spot and looking up at him. “It’s devotion, don’t you see? I’m happy to do these things for you if that’s what you want from me, despite the fact that I don’t understand why I would be your choice in most of those cases. I’m trying to help you be more poetic, aren’t I?”

Hinata simply stared at him for a moment, the frown still in place. “Yeah,” he replied.

“Many people don’t like dandelions because they’re weeds, but I actually sort of do like them,” Komaeda then said, picking up a dandelion and twirling it between his slender fingers. “See how bright and happy they look? They’re just like little suns, don’t you think Hinata-kun?”

“Yeah, I guess they are,” Hinata agreed, glancing at the yellow flower in his hand.

“Just like little Hinata-kuns!” Komaeda then laughed lightly, the sound straining a bit in the back of his throat, but still sounding decidedly pleasant. “At least that’s what your admirer would probably say, right?”

“Hey, don’t be mean,” Hinata told him with a frown.

“I’m not trying to be mean,” Komaeda insisted, the smile still in place. “I’m helping you practice, don’t you see?”

Hinata eyed him for a second, unsure of why he felt the urge to smile, and why he fought the urge as well. “Well in that case, they don’t look like suns when they turn all white,” he countered. “If you see a field where they’re all white, it’s like a field of snow.”

“If you saw a whole field of them, you’d have a lot of wishes,” Komaeda mused leisurely, leaning back on his hands. “I bet you’d have some pretty great wishes, Hinata-kun. I’d love to know what they would be, but then they won’t come true, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from you.”

Hinata was silent for a moment, simply watching Komaeda as he watched the sky. It seemed like nice weather that day, a good sign for the festival. “We’ll get to make wishes tonight,” he finally said. “Not enough for a whole field of dandelions, but we still can. Will you at least make a wish when you come to drop off your decorations?”

“Hmm, maybe,” Komaeda mused. “If I can think of one good enough.”

The two fell into silence, but it was oddly peaceful. Hinata almost couldn’t believe that he was considering any time with Komaeda to be peaceful, especially time spent alone with Komaeda, but it wasn’t as if he could easily deny it to himself. Still, it made him uneasy, made it begin not to feel quite as serene. “I should go,” he said after a bit, just a bit too abruptly, a bit too harshly.

“Yes, of course,” Komaeda said with a smile. “You should go, and I should get back to work. Have fun at the festival tonight, Hinata-kun. I expect great wishes from you.”

“Um, I’ll try my best,” Hinata said with a nod. “Bye, Komaeda.”

“Goodbye, Hinata-kun.”

 

~~~

 

At last the day was drawing to a close, the sun’s final rays of light sinking below the horizon and leaving a darkened cobalt sky behind it, littered with millions of bright, twinkling stars. It was amazing how many could be seen on an island such as that one, a place hidden in the middle of nowhere with no bright lights to drown them out.

Despite being handcrafted by a bunch of high schoolers within the span of a couple days, Hinata found that he actually enjoyed the decorations. Bright, colorful streamers were strung around the whole beach, torches lit and even the traditional fishing net wrapped about in certain places. Everybody seemed happy, dressed up in yukata and enjoying food that they’d taken from the restaurant. It made Hinata sort of happy, too, seeing those smiles on everybody’s faces. Maybe this festival wasn’t such a terrible idea after all.

“Yo, Hinata!” came a loud voice from behind, and before he knew it there was an arm around his shoulders, yanking him close.

“Souda?” Hinata said, identifying his annoying, pink-haired friend.

“This really turned out nice, huh?” Souda prompted. “All the girls look cute in their yukata too, don’t they? Have you seen Sonia-san?”

“Um, no, not yet,” Hinata murmured a bit uncomfortably, trying to untangle himself from the arm. “I just got here, so I haven’t even written my wish yet.”

“Oh, better get to it then, Hinata buddy,” Souda said cheerfully, in almost suspiciously high spirits. He relinquished his grip on Hinata, patting his back in the direction of the tree.

It appeared that everybody had decided to use one of the smaller palm trees to hang the wishes from, which Hinata supposed was a good way to improvise given their lack of resources and time to prepare. He carefully took a slip of paper and a pen from beside it and stared down at them, contemplating his wish. It was a light green piece of paper, with a blue ribbon for tying it around the tree, and it seemed like most people were simply tying the wishes from the short palm tree’s leaves. He leaned on the tree’s trunk, trying to write his wish as neatly as possible, and then held it in front of him for a moment, allowing his eyes to scan over it.

_I want everybody to coexist on this island in peace, and I want to know who it is that cares for me so deeply._

Hinata thought it might be cheating a bit to jam two wishes into one, but it wasn’t as if nobody had ever done it before. And so with a little shrug, he tied the ribbon around the branch and turned to join the rest of the festivities.

Hinata was actually sort of enjoying himself, getting a chance to simply talk and have fun, the worries of their dire situation pushed to the back of his mind. He idly wondered if his admirer was having as much fun as he was, and he also idly wondered why Komaeda and his flowers had yet to arrive, but they were mostly casual thoughts.

“Hinata!” came Souda’s voice again, and this time Hinata was prepared enough to turn to face him before any physical contact occurred.

“Yeah?”

“We’re gettin’ together a game of Ousama,” Souda explained, an almost devious grin displayed across his face. “You wanna play too?”

Hinata glanced around Souda at the group that he’d already gathered, spotting Mioda, Nanami, Tsumiki, Tanaka, and even Sonia (how Souda managed that one Hinata had no idea). “Alright, I’ll join,” Hinata replied, returning his gaze to Souda with a small smile. It might be a bit of a gamble to play such a game not knowing who his admirer was, but some part of him almost felt like it could help in narrowing down his options, if he paid attention to people’s reactions. And plus, it was all in fun, wasn’t it?

He and Souda joined the others in a small congregation, sitting in a circle in the sand. “Alright, I got the chopsticks right here,” Souda practically beamed, holding them out in his hand. “They’re all numbered already and everything.”

“Wow, you certainly came prepared,” Hinata mumbled, his eyebrows raised.

“Okay, okay, let’s pick for the first round, shall we?” Souda insisted instead, ignoring him. He sorted out the extra chopsticks and laid them to the side, holding out the remaining ones. “Everyone pick a chopstick.”

Everybody did just that, and when Hinata glanced down at his chopstick, he saw that he’d drawn the number four.

“Oh, oh, I’m Ousama!” Mioda cried out in unrestrained excitement. “Alright then! How about…two and five! You have to, uhhh, oh! I want two to sit in five’s lap for one round!”

“Oh, that’s not too bad,” Sonia said with a smile, a touch of relief coloring her voice. “Well, I am number five. Who will be sitting in my lap?”

“Um, I’m number two,” Nanami said softly as she held up her chopstick, seeming to be entirely unfazed as well.

Nanami got up to shift into her new position, and that’s when Hinata saw a bit of white out the corner of his eye. He turned his head to see Komaeda carrying what appeared to be a pile of flowers, to Hinata’s surprised dressed in a soft-hued, teal-colored yukata. “Hey, hold on,” he told the group, rising to his feet. “I’ll be right back.”

“Hey, what are you—” Souda cut himself on, presumably spotting the white-haired boy himself. “Oh God, did he decide to show up?”

“Komaeda,” Hinata called out as he made his way over, and Komaeda froze, turning to face him.

“Oh, Hinata-kun!” he chimed lightly. “I hope you’re having a good time!”

“Yeah, I am,” he replied. “You’re wearing a yukata. Are you going to join in too?”

“This? Oh, no,” Komaeda laughed a bit. “Monomi said she had one for me as well, and I felt bad refusing it when she’d gone through the effort, so I decided to wear it anyway.”

“Ah, I see,” Hinata murmured, his eyes glancing over Komaeda’s outfit. It made him look smaller, he couldn’t help but notice. The obi accentuated just how small his waist really was, just how small his frame really was. “Um, it looks good on you,” he muttered absentmindedly.

“Huh?”

“Er, it looks good,” Hinata corrected quickly. “The yukata. It’s a nice yukata.”

Komaeda smiled a little. “It is, isn’t it?” he said, beginning to hang his string of flowers from branches and such. “I feel bad that it must be worn by trash like me, but I suppose for one night it will be okay if it’s to please Monomi-san.”

“It seems kinda stupid to waste wearing it when you’re not even going to the festival, though,” Hinata countered, instinctively aiding the boy’s efforts to hang the decorations. “I mean, it’s supposed to be worn for festivals.”

“I know,” Komaeda replied. “I just don’t think it’s such a good idea for me to stay here. It’s really alright though, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata frowned, helping finish with the decorations as Souda started on his way over. Oh boy. “Hinata, we’re in the middle of a game,” he practically growled. “Why don’t you come back over so we can keep playing?”

“Oh, you’re playing a game?” Komaeda inquired. “Yes, by all means, you should continue, Hinata-kun! What game is it you’re playing?”

“What’s it to y—”

“Ousama,” Hinata said, cutting off Souda’s rude response.

Komaeda seemed to falter for a second, for who the hell knows why. Even with the amount of time the two had been spending together recently, Hinata still had no idea why he reacted so strangely to stupid things sometimes.

“Ah, Ousama, I see,” he finally laughed. “Well, that sounds like fun, Hinata-kun. I don’t want to hold you up anymore, so—”

“Wah, is that Nagito?!” came Mioda’s voice from behind. “This party’s gonna get really crazy now!”

“Please don’t worry,” Komaeda said, holding up his hands as if surrendering. “I was only dropping off some decorations.”

Nanami studied him for a moment, then tilted her head to the side. “Komaeda-kun, do you want to play Ousama too?”

 _“Huh?”_ Souda practically choked. “No, no, no, no, _no._ We are not playing with Komaeda.”

“The forsaken one could prove to be a danger to our merriment and good tidings,” Tanaka murmured darkly from the side. “However, could it be just as bad to loose him in the wild, where even the Four Dark Deva of Destruction cannot see him? The answer evades me…”

“I said no!” Souda insisted. “There’s nothing to consider about it!”

“It’s really fine,” Komaeda laughed, although Hinata could hear the nervousness that weighed it down. “I don’t have to stay!”

“This festival is supposed to be a bonding experience,” Sonia then spoke eloquently. “We may have had our differences with Komaeda-san in the past, but isn’t this exactly the circumstances under which we should try to mend that broken bridge? Even if we never see entirely eye to eye, isn’t it important to try to stay unified as a team?”

Souda appeared to be speechless, grappling with his repulsion to Komaeda and his desire to please Sonia. He looked towards Hinata, presumably for assistance, and Hinata simply shrugged. “I’m on board with the others,” he said. “I mean come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

And so that was how it came to be that Komaeda was sitting to his left in the circle in the sand, nervously fidgeting with his fingers as Souda begrudgingly recounted the chopsticks. “I don’t know that I’m entirely comfortable with this, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda murmured softly, and Hinata silently thought about how his voice was always a bit raspier and huskier when he spoke quietly.

“Why is that?”

“I wasn’t prepared for something like this,” he then confided. “I wasn’t prepared to be joining anybody at all, but especially a game like this. I’ve never played it before.”

“Oh, well do you know how to play?” Hinata inquired.

“Well, yes I know how,” Komaeda said, looking a bit to the side. “I just—”

“Alright, I got the chopsticks recounted,” Souda announced. “Everybody pick for the first round.”

Everyone picked, and Hinata received the number three this time. He glanced over at Komaeda, who was staring with raised eyebrows down at his chopstick. “Oh,” he murmured softly. “I’m Ousama.”

“Then tell us who’s doing what,” Souda ordered a bit more harshly than he probably needed to.

“Um, alright then,” Komaeda said thoughtfully, tapping a finger against his lips and allowing his gaze to trail up to the sky. “How about two and seven? You two need to hold hands for the next round, or the next full round where neither of you have to do another task.”

“What? That is so innocent,” Souda complained.

“Well I’m number Seven!” Mioda announced. “Who gets to hold Ibuki’s hand?”

“U-um, it looks like I have to hold your hand, since I’m number two,” Tsumiki stuttered nervously, thrusting out her hand with her eyes closed, and Mioda took it in her own. Hinata thought it was good that Komaeda had chosen something so innocent, because he wasn’t so sure Tsumiki would be able to handle it otherwise.

“Okay, boring, next round,” Souda said impatiently, collecting all the chopsticks and mixing them up. “Time to pick again.”

They all picked, and Komaeda’s eyebrows shot up once more. “Oh, I’m Ousama again!”

“Are you kidding me?” Souda cried.

“Um, okay then,” Komaeda murmured in thought. “Four and six need to…share a piece of food? I guess?”

“Must we both only use our mouths, or are utensils permitted?” Sonia inquired.

“Oh, you can use utensils!”

“You gotta be kidding me!” Souda exclaimed in exasperation. “This is why Komaeda can’t play! He’s gonna get Ousama every single time and he sucks at comin’ up with things to do!”

“Well I am number six,” Sonia said, ignoring Souda’s rude behavior and displaying the number on her chopstick. “Who will I be sharing a dish with?”

“Ibuki again!” Mioda cried in excitement. “Let’s go get some food!”

The two girls got up, giving Souda a moment to grind his teeth together before finally returning with some sort of dessert. “Okay, next round,” he sighed, mixing up the chopsticks. “This one better be good.”

“Ah, I’m Ousama again,” Komaeda spoke up hesitantly, and it seemed that Souda’s head was about to explode.

“I swear to God, Komaeda, you better make it good this time,” he growled. “No more of this stupid, innocent shit. We’re not playing this game to give hugs and hold hands and share food, okay?”

“Um, alright,” Komaeda murmured, clearly thinking hard about his next order. “Then how about…three must pretend to give five mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”

This time Hinata was the one to raise his eyebrows, surprised at the severe change. Souda, however, seemed more than pleased.

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about, Komaeda!” he exclaimed, a devious grin on his face. “I knew that screwed-up head of yours was good for something! Well I’m number five, so which one of you is gonna give me mouth-to-mouth? Sonia-san? What number do you have?”

“Not number three,” she said, showcasing her chopstick marked with a seven.

“It appears it is I,” Tanaka murmured in a low voice, twisting his chopstick around to reveal his number. “Be warned though, mortal creature; my abilities of gifting regeneration are meant for gods, not mere humans. The power might drive you to the edge of sanity.”

“What?! No way am I lettin’ that freak anywhere near my mouth with his!”

“I thought you wanted Komaeda to stop with all the innocent orders, Souda-san.”

Komaeda sighed, grabbing Hinata’s attention away from the ridiculous antics to the side as Tanaka reluctantly tried to pin Souda down so they could complete their order. “Something wrong?” he inquired.

“I can’t help but feel I’m ruining everybody’s time,” he replied, looking as if he were itching to rise to his feet. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I should have left after delivering my decorations. I should leave now.”

“Hey, you’re fine,” Hinata said almost sternly. “Souda’s a dick and would’ve gotten annoyed for not being paired with Sonia anyway, and nobody else objected to you playing. Everybody else wanted you to play.”

“I’m afraid that might have simply been a feeling of obligation,” Komaeda laughed a little. “Really, I should just—”

“Alright, next round,” Souda practically snapped, his face bright red and glistening with a nervous sweat that had not been there previously. His eyes were wide as he scrambled up the chopsticks, as if he’d been mentally scarred from his last encounter. “We’re moving onto the next round. That last round definitely did not happen.”

Everybody picked their chopsticks, and Komaeda’s face was once again painted with an expression of mild surprise. “I—”

“I swear to God if the words ‘I’m Ousama’ come out of your mouth one more time, I will tie a rock to my ankle and throw myself into the ocean,” Souda snarled, and Komaeda glanced over at him with the same expression.

“No,” he replied. “I was just about to say that I’m not Ousama this time.”

“What?” Souda gasped. “Are you sure?”

“I’m pretty sure,” Komaeda laughed a little.

“It appears I am Ousama this time,” Sonia spoke up, showcasing the chopstick. “Hm, let’s see then. We want something more like the last round then, don’t we? How about we say that numbers one and six must make out with each other for at least fifteen seconds.”

“Whoa! Fifteen seconds!” Mioda cried out. “Ibuki wouldn’t be able to handle it!”

“Hmm,” Komaeda hummed from Hinata’s left. “So by using the phrasing ‘make out,’ you’re essentially saying that the two chosen individuals cannot simply press their lips together for the full time duration?”

“Precisely,” Sonia affirmed. “With all due respect to your first couple orders, Komaeda-san, I believe this is more how the game is supposed to be played.”

“I see,” Komaeda sighed. “Ah, I really should have left then, shouldn’t I? My deepest apologies to whoever has number one.” He turned his chopstick around, displaying the little six scrawled on its surface.

Hinata stared at the small number for a moment, not quite knowing what to say. “Um…” he mumbled, but the rest of his thought was quickly lost, and he instead settled for turning the chopstick around to show his little number one.

Everybody in the circle fell silent for a moment, and Komaeda stared at Hinata’s chopstick with a look of near bewilderment upon his features. “Hinata-kun, I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have to do this,” he eventually stammered, seeming rather frantic. “It’s unfair that any of you should have to do such things with a piece of garbage. Perhaps the chopsticks should be redrawn, this time without me—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, I just had to receive mouth-to-mouth from freaking nerdlord over there and I still did it!” Souda objected. “You can’t tell everybody to do things like that and back out once it’s your turn!”

“But I’m sure Hinata-kun is beyond repulsed at the mere thought of it,” Komaeda insisted, turning his wide-eyed gaze back to Hinata. “Isn’t that right, Hinata-kun? Wouldn’t you be utterly repulsed?”

Hinata studied him for what felt like a very long moment, the poor kid’s gaze almost frightened, it seemed, and his lips slightly parted as he waited for a response. He found himself staring at those lips, those white, bloodless lips. He looked back to Komaeda’s eyes and swallowed thickly. “Um, well repulsed is a bit of a strong word.”

“There’s no way you’re gettin’ outta this,” Souda declared. “So you two stand up at start suckin’ at each other’s faces, okay?”

“Well you don’t have to say it like that!” Hinata snapped, feeling his face starting to burn. He felt an odd churning feeling in his stomach, but he tried to ignore it as he pushed himself to his feet. “Come on, Komaeda. Stand up.”

“I can’t believe it!” Mioda squealed from the side as Komaeda nervously climbed to his feet. “They’re gonna do it!”

“You don’t have to do this, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said quietly after rising to a standing position, standing close enough that the others might not have heard it. “I know you probably don’t want to, and it’s just a game, so…”

“Yeah, it’s just a game,” Hinata said, taking a deep breath and trying to will away the red in his cheeks. He grabbed Komaeda by the upper arms, trying to coax him a bit closer. “It’s only fifteen seconds, Komaeda,” he said, trying to calm himself more than anything. “It’s only fifteen seconds, so…I dunno, just close your eyes or something. I can’t do it if you’re staring at me all weird like that.”

Komaeda looked as if he were about to object, but the words were lost on his tongue. Looking incredibly lost, he closed his eyes, and the somewhat nervous yet compliant look on his face made something shift weirdly in Hinata’s chest, made his face burn even hotter. Knowing that the longer he waited, the faster his resolve dwindled (and that it was unfair to keep Komaeda waiting for so long), he eventually just went for it, leaning in and pressing his lips to the other boy’s and squeezing his eyes shut tight.

Komaeda flinched when their lips made contact, let out a muted little sound of surprise, which Hinata tried _really hard_ to pretend he didn’t hear. Despite the fact that they were literally kissing, he couldn’t help but feel that their bodies were awkwardly just a bit too far from each other, and so he shifted and tried to pull Komaeda a little closer. Komaeda was tense yet obedient, allowing himself to be drawn closer and even cautiously bringing his arms up to grip Hinata’s body as well.

 _We’re not making out, though,_ Hinata thought to himself, wondering if the time had already started or if it only counted if they were actually making out, and then wondering if someone was actually keeping count at all. God, he really hoped someone was. Still, he tilted his head down a bit, parting his lips and mouthing a bit at Komaeda’s lower lip. Komaeda sucked in a sharp gasp of air, which of course Hinata didn’t _like_ necessarily but it did give him a bit of _encouragement._ To his surprise, Komaeda chased his mouth, finally deciding to actively engage himself, and eventually their lips connected directly once more.

Hinata kept his mouth open, pressed it against Komaeda’s and tried to prod his open as well. Komaeda complied, and suddenly a jolt of adrenaline was coursing through his bloodstream, and he was leaning in, and they were in each other’s mouths, and he could taste Komaeda on his tongue, feel his long, curly hair tickling his nose, his cheeks, his neck. His hand was snaking around Komaeda’s waist, the other buried somewhere in his tangled mess of hair, and Komaeda was clutching at his back and shoulders, his breathing raspy and labored in his throat in a way that made everything sound just a bit too real.

“Time’s up!” a loud, jarring voice cut decisively through all the overwhelming sensations, and Hinata jerked himself away from Komaeda immediately, almost losing his balance, and having to grab onto the other boy’s arm for support. Komaeda, however, wasn’t quite the most stable of options either, and the two of them almost toppled over one another. They’d just been starting to get the hang of the whole kissing thing too, Hinata couldn’t help but think, immediately afterwards questioning why it even mattered.

“Holy shit, Hinata!” Souda exclaimed excitedly. “You just full-on made out with fucking _Komaeda!”_

“Uh…” Hinata’s mind felt oddly fuzzy as he glanced over at Souda.

“I can’t believe you actually did it!” Souda then continued, apparently unable to control his disbelief. “Your tongues were in each other’s mouths! You actually made out with him!”

“Um, that’s what we were supposed to do wasn’t it?” Hinata pointed out. “You practically made out with Tanaka.”

“No, it was mouth to mouth!” Souda snapped. “That’s different! And plus, even though he’s pretty bad, he’s not a fucking nutjob! Hey guys, I think Hinata just won Ousama for doing the grossest thing any of us could think of!”

Hinata scowled as his hands squeezed themselves into his fists, somehow pissed off, but for some reason Komaeda’s breath hitched in his throat, and for some reason Hinata was not only able to recognize the sound as just that, but it also managed to grab his attention. He glanced over at his face and was surprised at just how agitated he seemed to be.

“Ahahahaha, I-I really should go, shouldn’t I?” he mumbled, his voice quivering and clumsy and his wide eyes trained down at his shoes. There was tension in his shoulders, in his whole body.

“Hey,” Hinata said, reaching towards him, but he recoiled, finally lifting his wide eyes from the ground.

“No, I should go,” Komaeda insisted, shaking a little and smiling a horrible smile that looked like it might shatter at any moment. “I never should have stayed. I’m sorry for making you do something so gross, Hinata-kun. I’ll leave you alone now.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata started, but Komaeda had already turned and started on his way.

“You don’t have to feel bad about him leaving, Hinata,” Souda said, coming up behind him. “I know you have some complex where you don’t wanna treat him badly or something, but he’s a bad guy. You shouldn’t have to pretend you’re okay with puttin’ up with him.”

“You’re such an asshole, Souda!” Hinata spat, turning to face him.

Souda looked extraordinarily offended. “Hey, I’m just tryin’ to help you out, Hinata!”

“Well maybe you should mind your own goddamn business!” Hinata retorted. “Listen, I get that Komaeda’s nuts, and I get that he’s done bad things, and I’m not gonna try to justify any of that, but do you realize how stupid it is to push him away and alienate him and tell him how much you hate him all the goddamn time? Sonia and the other girls are right; you might never see eye to eye with him, but there’s gotta be a way we can coexist!”

Souda simply stared at him for a moment, apparently stunned into silence. “So you’re really willing to put up with all his crazy bullshit?” he asked incredulously.

“Souda, the better we understand him, the less of a threat he is,” Hinata tried to explain. “And I get it, okay? I get that you’re afraid of him and that you think you’re helping, but you’re not. So please, just…just stop, okay?”

Souda just stared at him for a bit, apparently unable to think of any intelligent responses. He heard some semblance of Monomi announcing that they were about to begin the fireworks in the distance, and cautiously their mini-crowd began to disperse, desperate to escape the tension in the air, no doubt. Hinata sighed, running a hand through his short, spiky hair, when he suddenly heard a voice behind him.

“Hinata-kun?” Hinata turned to see Nanami staring up at him, and he blinked over at her in mild surprise.

“Oh, hey Nanami,” he murmured. “Sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me, I just—”

“Hinata-kun,” Nanami started, interrupting his rambling, “I think you should go talk to Komaeda-kun.”

“Huh?” Hinata mumbled. “But didn’t he leave?”

“Not yet,” Nanami said, gesturing in Komaeda’s direction. “He’s on his way out, but if you try you can probably catch him before does.”

“Oh, okay,” Hinata said, nodding despite his slight puzzlement. “So you think I should go over there?”

Nanami nodded. “It’s the right thing to do, I think. I mean, isn’t that what you want to do?”

Hinata nodded, mildly surprised at how perceptive she was. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, thanks Nanami.”

She smiled up at him. “Of course.”

Komaeda’s form was sort of slumped as Hinata made his way closer, and the sight made it feel like there was a heavy weight in his chest. “Komaeda!” Hinata called out to him, and the boy froze, a jolt going through his whole body.

“Hinata-kun…” his voice sounded tired, exhausted even, and Hinata slowed to a stop once he reached where Komaeda had halted. “You should go sit with the others. You’re going to miss the fireworks.”

“Komaeda, we need to talk, Hinata insisted, grabbing Komaeda’s arm and tugging lightly in an attempt to get him to turn his head.

“Please, just let me go,” Komaeda practically pleaded. “I don’t belong at this festival with everybody else.”

“Komaeda, stop it,” Hinata persisted. “Souda may be an insensitive idiot, but nobody else was trying to get you to leave.”

“This isn’t about Souda-kun,” Komaeda laughed as he finally turned to face Hinata, but any lightness in his laugh and smile had been killed. “That’s not what this is about, Hinata-kun. He was right about everything he said.”

“No, he was being an idiot,” Hinata argued. “And if this isn’t about Souda then what is this about?”

“What is this about?” Komaeda repeated, his horrible, dark smile stretching even wider as his eyebrows angled down. “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun, but this is all just too much for me. This day has been too much for me, and tonight, _this,_ what just happened over there, is just way too much for me!”

“I don’t understand,” Hinata said, furrowing his brow. “What’s too much for you?”

“Of course you don’t understand!” Komaeda laughed loudly, tossing his head back as he had in the diner days before, and Hinata was reminded of the reason why Souda was always so cautious of him. “That’s because you don’t understand, Hinata-kun! How could you ever possibly understand anything in this horrible, mixed-up brain of mine?”

“Komaeda, please, calm down,” Hinata pleaded. “I’m trying, Komaeda. I’m trying so hard to understand you, just tell me what’s wrong!”

 _“Us!”_ Komaeda shouted through his dead laughter. _“We_ are what’s wrong, Hinata-kun! I’m sorry, but I can’t handle this anymore, whatever this is that’s happening with us! You should be yelling at me or suspicious of me or at the very least trying to avoid me, and yet you’re asking for my help and speaking to me like a normal person when you know exactly what I’m like, and I just don’t get it! I don’t understand! I don’t know what you _want_ from me, Hinata-kun!”

“What I…want from you?” Hinata murmured softly.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or what you want me to do,” Komaeda continued, the too-wide smile still clinging to his lips, desperate and shaking and ready to break. “I don’t know why you’re acting this way with me, but I know that it’s wrong, that you shouldn’t be acting this way with me.”

“But why not?” Hinata demanded. “Why is that wrong?”

“Because I’m not a normal person that you can act that way with, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda insisted. “I’m not allowed to talk to people like you, to pretend that I’m not this horrible, worthless piece of garbage that could never belong even within the same general area as someone like you. I don’t know why you keep talking to me. I don’t know what you _expect_ from me! I don’t know what you want from me, Hinata-kun, and I don’t want to do this anymore!”

“I still don’t get it though!” Hinata argued. “You’re a human just like everybody else, Komaeda! And why now? Why is tonight too much for you more than—”

“Because of what we just did Hinata-kun, don’t you see?” Komaeda shrieked, his voice splitting and cracking between breathless cackling as he gestured towards the area they’d been playing Ousama in. “Because you should hate me after that and for some reason you don’t and it makes everything _so much worse!”_

“Komaeda, why would I hate you?” Hinata gasped, incredulous at the suggestion and unable to comprehend what train of thought could have possibly brought him to that. “It’s not like it’s your fault!”

“But it _is_ my fault, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda retorted. “It’s my luck that messes up everything! It’s always, constantly messing with me, and now it’s messing with you too, and I can just imagine you there sitting in your head thinking about how the filthy, ugly, horrible Komaeda Nagito is messing up everything for you and that your stupid secret admirer will be deterred by our actions during Ousama and then you’ll hate me like you should have hated me from the very beginning! And I wish you did hate me from the very beginning, Hinata-kun, because at least then I wouldn’t be so confused, so conflicted and afraid of what you’re thinking every moment you’re even anywhere near me!”

“Komaeda, you’re not making any sense,” Hinata said, trying to break through whatever this was that Komaeda was showing him.

“It’s okay if you don’t understand,” Komaeda said a bit more quietly, the fire behind his words beginning to die out. “Maybe we’re not meant to understand each other, Hinata-kun.”

“Komaeda…” Hinata murmured, wanting more than anything to bring him some level of comfort, but incapable of even knowing where to start when he couldn’t even comprehend exactly what was wrong.

“I mean it in total honesty when I say that none of it was your fault, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said softly as he turned away slowly to leave. “But I can’t do this anymore. It’s better for you if I don’t do this anymore. That’s the way this is supposed to be.”

“The way this is supposed to be…?” Hinata mumbled softly, his bewildered gaze stuck on Komaeda’s departing form as the first of the fireworks crackled off in the distance, casting bright lights that danced about the sky and ground and the white-haired boy’s back. The colors dyed his white canvas hair and skin with every hue in the rainbow, and Hinata felt his fingernails digging into the flesh of his palms, some awful stinging feeling prickling at his eyes as the last of the flashes faded out.

_Is that…really true?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that sure was a roller coaster! I love writing lighthearted things, but I always seem to end up having some angst in there somewhere. I hope my characterization of both Hinata and Komaeda makes sense throughout all the twists and turns of this chapter, so any feedback on that would be MUCH appreciated!! I always strive to stay accurate to the characters' personalities in the source material, but by introducing different scenarios that weren't in the original it's only natural for some things to change. I just hope that the ways these two are behaving and maybe even changing are still believable in reference to the original characters!
> 
> Anyway, thank you all SO MUCH for sticking with this story all this time!! I fully intend on seeing this project through to the end, so hopefully this chapter didn't disappoint you and the ones in the future won't either! Feel free to leave feedback of any sort below, and thanks so much for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! the first thing I wanna say is that I'm just SO SORRY about how late this chapter is!!! Someone even asked me in the comments when I would update and this is like. way later than I said I probably would. There were a lot of crazy things going on for me in my personal life, so it made it hard to find time to write, and on top of that I found this chapter to be particularly tricky. The whole structure of it feels different than the other chapters, and the interactions in it are sort of warped, just as a result of the situation??? I don't know, I enjoyed writing it still, but I think it was a little difficult to find a balance between the interactions that needed to happen and the original personalities of the characters.
> 
> But anyway, that's all boring stuff that you probably don't wanna hear about, lol. This chapter isn't quite as lighthearted and fun as most of the last one was, but a lot of important stuff needed to go down, and I hope you all still enjoy it!! Once again, your feedback gives me life and makes me so happy (especially when it comes to chapters like this one that leave me a little uncertain), so any feedback is much, much appreciated! I hope you like it!!

Hinata huffed out a deep sigh as he rested his head on his hand, crumpling up the paper with his other fist, squeezing it as tight as it would go. He let out a frustrated groan, standing suddenly and knocking his chair back as he turned and pegged the ball of paper at his wall. “Why the hell can’t I do this?” he spat aloud, his chest rising and falling noticeably with each agitated breath. “Why can’t I fucking write _anything?”_

All he could do was stand there for a moment, squeezing his hands into fists so tightly that his fingernails bit into the tender flesh of his palms, staring with fuzzy vision down at the numerous balls of paper littering the floor of his cottage. He let out another puff of air, running his hands through his hair over and over as he closed his eyes and tried to massage the cloudy, horrible frustration from his skull. The festival had left him a mess, suddenly yanking the wobbly little foundation of what he thought was him getting his life together out from under him. He bitterly reprimanded himself for being stupid enough to believe that he could get his life together in any way when he was trapped on an island and being forced to play a part in some sick murder game, and yet everything still got to him. It still got to him that he hadn’t heard from his secret admirer since before the festival, and it still got to him that Komaeda refused to speak to him, to even allow their two gazes to meet.

Hinata didn’t get it. He _couldn’t_ get it. He couldn’t fucking get what would make Komaeda and his admirer act in such a way. He supposed Komaeda’s fear that their kiss on the beach could have deterred his admirer’s efforts was plausible, however, it should have been clear to his admirer that they had simply been fulfilling an order in Ousama. Something just didn’t fit, and a whole slew of things didn’t fit with Komaeda, either. Hinata knew that Komaeda hadn’t been comfortable at the festival, for that much had been clear. The skinny, white-haired boy hadn’t even wanted to attend at all, and even when he’d been there he’d commented several times on how he felt anxious or uncomfortable, or as if he weren’t welcome at all. Souda’s continuous abuse of the poor kid must not have helped his edginess, but even with all that, no single event seemed to account for Komaeda’s sudden outburst.

 _Maybe we’re not meant to understand each other,_ Komaeda’s voice rasped brokenly in his mind.

Hinata hoped his brain would think up some fantastic retort to the Komaeda in his head, but no such comment came to mind, and a strong, unexpected surge of anxiety rippled through his chest, made it feel hollow and heavy at the same time. Instead, the words _What if we really aren’t meant to understand each other?_ were the ones that formulated in his mind, and he shook his head rigorously to get them out, furrowing his brow and ignoring the misgivings that buzzed about so distractingly so he could attempt to solve the impossible puzzle that was Komaeda Nagito.

“A puzzle missing one too many pieces,” he grumbled to himself. “That’s what that kid is.”

Hinata licked his lips in thought, tenderly touched his fingers to them as he settled himself down on his bed, staring idly over at the sad little pile of paper balls. He thought of the kiss on the beach, the sensations that had flooded his nervous system, and it suddenly felt like his chest had been pumped up with helium. It was an unpleasant, anxiety-driven feeling, excited in the most awful way, and he quickly decided that he didn’t like it. He remembered Komaeda’s lips pressed against his own, dry and chapped and cold. He remembered their stiff surprise when they’d first made contact, their gentle, pliant obedience as he’d started to push them further, the hungry, almost desperate manner in which they’d finally reciprocated, finally pressed firmly against his own. He remembered the sound of Komaeda’s breathing, ragged and straining in his throat, and he remembered how they’d clutched each other in that moment, held each other close and cradled each other against their ribcages, the curved walls of the enclosures for their fragile hearts.

The sight of the paper balls across the room grew blurry. Hinata tried to blink away the haze only to feel something warm streak down his face. He slowly became aware of the splitting headache throbbing around inside his skull as he wiped at the spot under his eye. He stared at the clear liquid for a moment as his vision grew blurry again, rubbed it together between his thumb and index finger as his eyeballs started to sting.

The tears rolled down Hinata’s face quietly and unobtrusively as he stared blankly across the room, occasionally sniffling or rubbing them out of his eyes, and he thought about what they could mean. He thought about white, fluffy, neglected hair and sleepy, dusty raccoon eyes and long, bony fingers and that bright, bright, _bright_ smile that had brought him so much comfort during his very first waking moment on this island, and he thought about the halo of light the sun had decided to frame around the head of a poor, lost, troubled boy like Komaeda Nagito. He thought about every little thing, and each little thing made his chest feel tighter and tighter until it felt like it might tear open, except it didn’t. Instead Hinata cried, and although he couldn’t even think of how to begin explaining why, he felt with conviction in his heart that in that moment, it was the only logical thing to do.

“But why did you break, Komaeda?” Hinata croaked to himself, letting out his thousandth deep sigh that night. He was so, so tired. “Why can’t I ever understand you no matter how hard I try? Nothing was even wrong.”

Hinata pursed his lips together, wiping his nose on the back of his arm and squinting over at all his paper balls, failed attempts at a letter reaching out to his admirer. “You said I should hate you because my stupid secret admirer won’t be happy about what we did during Ousama,” he muttered to himself thoughtfully, his voice slightly nasal from crying. “You said you wish I did hate you, because you don’t know what to do. You’re scared because you’re confused and conflicted and you don’t know how I feel.” Hinata’s eyes narrowed more, his eyebrows scrunched together as he tilted his head a bit, gaze still locked on the pile of paper balls across the room. “That’s what this is about…right?”

Hinata suddenly rose to his feet, turning to his nightstand and yanking the drawer open. There he found the letters from his admirer, and so he pulled them out, whipping around and taking a couple steps forward as he stuck his nose into the papers, skimming over the spidery handwriting with tension in his chest, his shoulders, his entire body.

“The writing is so pretty,” he murmured to himself, furrowing his brow once more. “It’s no nice, but so humble. Too humble. Oh my God, how could I not—”

A sudden rapping at the door, and Hinata went rigid. He stared over at the door with wide eyes, glued to the spot, and his mind went racing. _Who could that possibly be? Monomi? Is it another letter? If there’s new material to look at, maybe I can—_

He was already yanking the door open with both hands, and upon being greeted with an unexpected surprise, all he could do was gape for a moment.

“Hinata!” Souda cried out. “I can’t believe you actually answered! I thought you were dead in there, you know, that we might have another murder or something. God knows you had yourself locked up in there for long enough.”

Nanami tilted her head a bit from Souda’s side. “Hinata-kun, is everything alright? Your eyes are all red and swollen…”

“What? Oh, I’m fine,” Hinata insisted, scrubbing at his eyes a bit and cursing himself for not realizing that there was still physical evidence of his miniature crisis present on his body. “Anyway, what are you guys doing here?”

“We’re checking up on your sorry ass,” Souda said as if it were common knowledge, crossing his arms across his chest. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, man. I mean you’ve been around, but not like actually around.”

“I mentioned that I was worried about you,” Nanami informed him. “Souda-kun seemed like he wanted to come too.”

“Oh wow, well I’m fine,” Hinata insisted. “I mean thanks for caring enough to check, but there’s nothing to be worried about.”

Nanami pouted a bit “Hinata-kun, you shouldn’t lie to your friends.”

Hinata already had his mouth open for a counter, but something about those words and the look in her eye made him hesitate. “O-okay,” he mumbled clumsily. “Uh, well what do you want me to do? Do you want me to get out of my cottage? Because I can do that.”

“We want to talk to you, if that’s okay,” Nanami explained. “About what’s bothering you.”

“I wouldn’t wanna burden you with my complaining,” Hinata tried to argue. “Plus, I don’t think you’d really get what was bothering me, anyway.”

“But we wanna get it!” Souda objected. “That’s why we’re here! We wanna understand you!”

_We wanna understand you!_

Hinata hesitated, and Souda wasted no time taking advantage of it. “Sorry for the intrusion,” he said, passing Hinata into the cottage. Nanami smiled reassuringly as she entered as well, and Hinata turned to stare at them for a second before closing the door behind them.

“Alright, you got me cornered,” Hinata sighed. “What is it you wanna talk about then?”

“You’ve been actin’ all funny since the festival,” Souda started. “Don’t think we don’t know what this is about.”

“Then what is this about?”

“It’s about your batshit buddy Komaeda,” Souda replied.

“Buddy’s a bit of a strong word, don’t you think?”

“Maybe now that you two aren’t talkin’,” Souda conceded. He then seemed to grow a bit uncomfortable, tightening his posture and glancing off to the side. “Look, I think I kinda owe you an apology about all a’that too. Maybe I got carried away and said some things I shouldn’t’ve.”

Hinata blinked over at him with wide eyes. “Oh, whoa, um, thanks I guess,” he mumbled. “I wasn’t expecting that, but…well, not to be ungrateful about your apology, but I’m not really the one you should be apologizing to.”

“Well I still think I should apologize to you,” Souda debated. “Listen, I don’t like that kid. I think he’s creepy and dangerous and out of his fucking mind, but I shouldn’t’ve acted that way at the festival. I don’t know why you’re suddenly so conscious of him and his feelings, but I was a dick about it. Sorry, man.”

“It’s not really as complicated as you’re probably making it out to be,” Hinata tried to explain. “Yes, maybe Komaeda is crazy, but that’s just it. I know it might seem nuts, and it’s hard for me to even rationalize to myself without getting frustrated sometimes, but he’s not trying to be a bad person. Yeah, he’s crazy, and he’s unstable, but he’s got no support, nothing at all to lean on. And I know this is easier said than done – believe me, I _know_ – but I really think that the better we understand him, the less dangerous he becomes to us.”

“Yeah, I know, I get that,” Souda sighed. “It’s just…It’s hard, okay? It’s hard to look at this kid who caused Togami’s murder, the kid that started this whole hellish nightmare on _purpose,_ and try to find some humanity in him. Like, I don’t wanna find humanity in him. But I know he’s a human, even if he’s a screwy one. I just can’t imagine doin’ what you’re doing, Hinata. Why did you want to start talking to him and all this shit in the first place?”

“Well honestly, the start of it all wasn’t nearly as noble,” Hinata admitted. He glanced down at the papers in his hand hesitantly, then took a deep breath. There was no real reason for keeping it from them at this point. “Look, you see these papers? These are letters. I got one a little while back from a secret admirer, basically just praising me and telling me how much they liked me and looked up to me. I started talking to Komaeda because I was trying to figure out who it was and how best to interact with them, and I thought he could help.”

“Well why on earth was he your first choice of all people?” Souda sputtered, his eyes wide. “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Of course it does,” Hinata insisted, defending his past self’s behavior. “I didn’t just wanna choose someone random. I mean, it could be anybody! I didn’t think Komaeda would be that likely, and I also thought maybe getting some practice with writing pretty things would be good, since my secret admirer was really good at it. I wanted to be able to communicate with them like that, and Komaeda talks like that sometimes just for no reason, so I wanted to learn from him.”

“Even when you know what he’s like, though?” Souda inquired. “I’m not tryin’ to judge, honest. I just don’t think I ever would have considered turning to him for help when I don’t have to.”

“You weren’t with him before, though,” Hinata insisted, suddenly feeling very tired, very…sad? Was that the strange feeling pulling down inside him, making it harder to stand up straight? “You weren’t close to him like I was before the first trial. You weren’t the one that went around the whole island with him while he introduced you to everybody just because he wanted to. You’re not the one who woke up to him sitting over you and trying to make sure you were okay during your very first waking moments on this island. You didn’t see that face, Souda. You didn’t see that face looking down at you with nothing but compassion and concern and a desire to _help.”_

“Hinata…” Souda murmured, apparently at a loss for what to say.

Hinata sighed, scratching at his head and letting his shoulders slump as his eyes trailed to the ground. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Really, I’m sorry. I know that I’m being stupid and that it’s hard for you to relate to, but I just find it hard to believe that was all an act. I know it wasn’t, because I still see it sometimes. Tiny pieces of it buried within everything else. I get it, though. I totally get where you’re coming from, and maybe you’re right. Maybe he’s just crazy and I need to leave the whole thing alone.”

“I don’t think that’s right, Hinata-kun,” Nanami finally spoke up.

“Huh?” Hinata looked up. “What do you mean?”

“You have a right to try to reconcile those feelings, I think,” Nanami explained, her eyes trailing up a bit as she organized her thoughts. “You trusted Komaeda-kun, and when he turned out to be someone different than you expected, someone dangerous and scary, you recoiled. But now you see maybe he’s not such a different person, and that’s a conflicting thing to think about…right?”

“Um, right,” Hinata said with a nod, impressed with her ability to simplify what was such a mass of convoluted ideas in his brain.

“Then I think you should try to reach some kind of reconciliation, at least within your own mind,” Nanami continued. “If you want to understand Komaeda-kun then that’s a right you should have free of criticism, especially when it will help you gain some form of closure, whatever that may be.”

“Yeah, but that’s the problem,” Hinata sighed. “Komaeda freaked out after Ousama for some reason, and no matter what I tried to say he always had some sort of crazy rebuttal. I didn’t know what he was saying, but he made it quite clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, and it’s hard to understand why.”

“It’s not just him being a weird, flighty little asshole, right?” Souda suggested.

“You see, that right there,” Hinata said. “That’s the difference. You just blame it on him being weird, but he has a thought process here.”

“Hinata-kun’s right,” Nanami conceded. “Being weird or flighty isn’t the reason for Komaeda-kun’s behavior, it’s just a way to describe it. We’re trying to understand his reasons.”

“Right, right, I see where you’re comin’ from,” Souda said with a nod. “So why’s he being weird and flighty, is what you’re sayin’.”

“Exactly,” Hinata said. “I just didn’t get what he was trying to say at all. He said that it was all too much for him, and that he didn’t know what I wanted from him. When I asked him what was too much, he said that we were, as in the two of us, and then he told me that he wished I hated him so he didn’t have to be so confused and always be wondering about what I’m thinking.”

“So basically, he doesn’t wanna hang out with you anymore?” Souda inquired. “But you didn’t do anything to upset him, did you?”

“Not knowingly,” Hinata replied. “He was certainly upset though, and the kiss during Ousama seems to be what set him off, but I don’t really know why. I mean, it’s true he was really nervous about it, but I didn’t feel like I was forcing him to do it.”

“Hmmm,” Nanami hummed thoughtfully. “I think you need to keep in mind that Komaeda-kun isn’t used to interacting with others as people normally do, Hinata-kun,” she eventually contributed. “A simple relationship might be a little scary or overwhelming for him if he isn’t used to building those types of connections, and the deeper the connection becomes, the scarier it would be, I think.”

“Huh, I guess that’s a good point,” Hinata murmured. “I really don’t understand everything still, but that’s definitely a start. I still don’t really get why he wants me to hate him, though.”

“That one seems easy to me,” Souda spoke up. “I mean, he does some pretty screwy stuff that upsets a lot of people, right? He’s used to people hatin’ him all the time, so must be pretty disorienting to have someone come in and just….not?”

“But then how am I supposed to fix it?” Hinata asked. “How do I make him trust me and be okay with it?”

“You can’t make him do anything, Hinata-kun,” Nanami replied. “You can only help him try to understand. We all have a hard time understanding Komaeda-kun, and we know how frustrating that is for us, but I think he has a hard time understanding us sometimes, too.”

“I can only do that if he gives me a chance, though,” Hinata sighed. “And I can’t get in an argument with him. Then we’ll just shout words at each other that the other one can’t understand, just like we did last time, and nothing will change.”

“Seems like a delicate issue,” Souda mumbled. “I dunno man, this kid’s too batshit for me. I don’t get him at all, and I dunno how much I’m gonna be able to help you out. Sorry about the festival, though. I probably made it all worse with everything I was saying.”

“It’s fine, Souda,” Hinata reassured him. “He said it wasn’t about what you said. I mean it might have strengthened whatever feelings he was having, but I don’t think you caused anything. I still don’t really think I’m the one that you should be apologizing to, though.”

“What, you mean you want me to apologize to that frickin’ psychopath?” Souda spat almost indignantly. “Listen man, maybe he’s unhappy and his life sucks or whatever, but to just go up to him and say sorry, it just doesn’t feel right. No, not that it doesn’t feel right, more like…I don’t know. I don’t really know.”

“It’s fine,” Hinata sighed, feeling his headache growing worse. “I don’t expect you to go find him and speak to him. That’s my oh-so-wondrous job around here, isn’t it?”

“I don’t get it, don’t you wanna understand him?” Souda then asked. “If it’s unpleasant then why do you keep doing it?”

“You know, I’m not really sure myself,” Hinata sighed. “It’s more exhausting than anything else, and he really can be infuriating to the point where you just wanna throttle his scrawny little neck, but every once in a while there’s _something._ I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like everything just magically works out for a second, and you get a small, fleeting little glimpse inside. It’s so little and short-lived that it could almost have never happened, and sometimes you can’t even figure out what it is, but it’s there.”

The room was plunged into an uncomfortable silence, and Hinata stared down at his feet, inexplicably self-conscious. “Uh, wow,” he finally murmured. “For just how long have I been spouting weird, embarrassing shit to you two? Like, you came to check and make sure I’m still alive and you just get me unloading all this bullshit onto you.”

“Well hey, it’s not bullshit if it’s making you lock yourself up in your room, eh?” Souda tried to reason.

“No, it is bullshit,” Hinata persisted. “This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to work my ass off and bend over backwards trying to figure out what to do about Komaeda when I haven’t even done anything wrong. I was giving him a chance to be understood, but apparently he doesn’t want it. What am going to do, pry him away from his self-inflicted isolation?”

“I think it all depends on what matters most to you,” Nanami offered. “So, what matters most – letting Komaeda-kun have what he wants due to fear and misplaced intentions, or forcing him to cooperate with your desire to understand him against his will, but for the benefit of everybody else and his own health?”

“I don’t think it’s a question of what matters most,” Hinata replied. “If he doesn’t want to be understood then he’ll make it so I can’t understand him, so I don’t even have a choice, do I?” A sudden surge of some horrible empty feeling overtook Hinata’s stomach, and his whole body felt weak. “I can’t force him to let me in. Even if it was possible, I don’t know if I could do that, not if it isn’t what he wants.”

“Unless it is what he wants,” Nanami pointed out. “Haven’t you ever had conflicting feelings, Hinata-kun?”

“Well yeah, but there’s no guarantee that he feels conflicted about it,” Hinata objected. “Maybe he felt obligated to help me but he’s been uncomfortable with it the whole time, and it just became so much that he couldn’t take it anymore.”

“I think that’s unlikely,” Nanami replied softly, the tiniest of smiles pulling her lips up a bit at the corners. “Didn’t you notice the way he looked at you at the festival?”

Hinata felt a strange jolt go through him, and for some reason his cheeks felt warm. “Um, the way he look at me?”

“It was so adoring, but sad and happy all at once,” Nanami elaborated. “Don’t you want to make it so that it’s all happy?”

Hinata stared at the ground for a long while, his mouth set in a small frown. Was that really something he was capable of doing? “You seem to care a lot about me doing this, Nanami,” he then said. “Why? Do you want me to get to know Komaeda and all that stuff?”

“I want you to do what you feel is right, regardless of what everybody else’s thoughts might be,” Nanami said encouragingly. “I don’t want you to have any regrets when it comes to Komaeda-kun, or anything else, for that matter.”

“No regrets, huh?” Hinata murmured, glancing down at the letters he still held in his hand. “Thanks, Nanami. I really appreciate it.”

 

~~~

Komaeda watched the ground move past under his feet as he made his way towards Jabberwock Park, his expression neutral, perhaps a bit dissatisfied, but by no externally significant amount. His last couple days had felt so empty, long and meaningless and hollow. He’d barely spoken to anybody except for on occasion. He recalled running into Tsumiki that morning, but she’d started crying when he’d smiled at her, and then she ran away. Such a face as his probably was a sight to flee from, he supposed.

And so, in light of his recent borderline isolation, the sound of somebody calling his name was indeed a mildly surprising one. “Oi, Komaeda!” came the harsh yell, and Komaeda halted on the spot, turning to face the voice’s speaker.

“Ah, Souda-kun!” Komaeda said, his eyebrows raising in genuine surprise as he fixed a genial smile upon his face. “How nice to run into you here! What is it that you need from a lowly worm like me?”

“Ugh, don’t say stuff like that. It creeps me out,” the mechanic muttered, looking almost sick. “Listen, I gotta talk to you a bit. You got a sec?”

“Anything that I could have planned is nothing compared to something thought up by the Super High School Level Mechanic!” Komaeda chimed cheerfully. “Of course I have a moment to spare with you!”

“Okay, cool,” Souda-kun grumbled, visibly uncomfortable as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Listen, I wanna talk to you about the festival a couple nights back. I think I might’ve been a little out a’line.”

Komaeda stared at him for a moment, eyes wide. “Oh,” he murmured. “Wow, Souda-kun, I’m touched that a symbol of hope like you would stoop down to apologize to garbage like me, but it really isn’t necessary to apologize at all. Nothing you said that night was false.”

“No, it was mean just for the sake of being mean,” Souda-kun insisted, not allowing his gaze to meet Komaeda’s. “It’s all ‘cause you’re crazy, you know. You’re so crazy that it’s easier to yell at you and stuff than try to understand you.”

“Perhaps that’s true!” Komaeda said with a smile. “But please, feel no remorse for dirt under your feet! I’ll gladly be trodden upon thousands of times over if that’s what it takes to bring you to a realization of a greater hope!”

“Oh my God, shut the hell up with all that crap already!” Souda-kun groaned, frustrated beyond belief, it seemed. “I don’t get how Hinata can take this.”

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda barely breathed, his breath hitching in his throat and breaking off at a jagged edge. “You’ve been speaking with Hinata-kun, then?”

“Yeah, practically had to bust his door open to get him to talk,” Souda-kun grumbled, crossing his arms and staring Komaeda down with razor-sharp annoyance. “He’s been too busy sulking since the festival, you know.”

“Sulking? Hinata-kun?” Komaeda gasped. “But Hinata-kun is so bright. I don’t see how something as trivial as a mere bump in the road could throw him off track.”

“Bump in the road? More like a mountain,” Souda-kun snorted. “I don’t think you realize how bad it is, man. ‘Course he won’t say just how upset he is, but whatever happened between you two at the end of the festival must’ve messed him up pretty bad.”

Komaeda studied his classmate for a moment, mildly disconcerted. “Hinata-kun’s hope is stronger than that, though,” he tried to reason. “Are you trying to tell me that he is affected by the actions of a piece of trash?”

“Would you just shut up about hope for two seconds and listen to what I’m telling you?” Souda-kun snapped in frustration, his lips curling down in a menacing snarl. “This isn’t about hope, Komaeda, it’s about Hinata! You hurt him, you know? You can’t just be nice to someone and spend time with them and all that shit and then freak out at them and drop them for no reason! That’s called leading people on, and it messes with people’s feelings!”

Komaeda furrowed his brow, confused and startled by the outburst, but attempting to keep his shaky smile in place. “I’m afraid you’re not making any sense, Souda-kun,” he insisted as passively as he could. “I would simply assume that my pea of a brain is incapable of comprehending your perfectly rational words, except I’m afraid there’s a flaw in your reasoning. You see, that would imply that Hinata-kun was moved by any of my words or behaviors in the first place.”

“You can’t be that stupid,” Souda-kun hissed, narrowing his eyes. “I know you’re nuts, but you’re not stupid. You must be able to realize that you had some sort of emotional effect on Hinata, so you have to take responsibility for that.”

“Emotional effect…is it?” Komaeda murmured, pressing his lips together in dissatisfied thought. “I think you’re giving me too much credit.”

“Listen, I’m not gonna stand here and try to argue this with you,” Souda-kun declared. “The fact is that Hinata’s been down in the dumps since you two fought at the festival. You can either acknowledge that and do something or not, but it’s all up to you. I just wish you’d do something to make Hinata start acting like Hinata again.”

“To make Hinata-kun act like Hinata-kun again?” Komaeda murmured to himself, holding his chin as he mulled it over. Souda-kun had to be exaggerating, right?

“Anyway, I did what I came here to do, so I’m gonna leave now,” Souda-kun then said, angling his body to demonstrate his eagerness to get away. “I guess I’ll probably end up seeing you around at some point in time.”

“Ah, Souda-kun! One more thing!” Komaeda called out as the mechanic started on his way.

“Huh? What do you want now?” Souda-kun grumbled as he halted, glancing over his shoulder back at him.

“Not that it makes sense in terms of social dynamics for garbage to be uttering these words, but I forgive you,” Komaeda said, offering a soft smile.

Souda-kun seemed to falter for a second, maybe even less, his gaze stuck on Komaeda’s beaming façade. “No you don’t,” he then said, almost as if he were unsure of it, or testing his words.

“Of course I do,” Komaeda replied.

“No,” Souda-kun tried to assert, shaking his head. “I said awful things about you. You can’t just forgive me like that.”

“They weren’t so awful,” Komaeda laughed just a bit. “And you said you were sorry, so why shouldn’t I forgive you?”

Souda simply studied him for a moment, his eyes narrowed – not in suspicion, but an almost tolerant sort of puzzlement. “You’re weird as hell, man,” he then sighed, turning to start on his way once more. “I don’t think I’ll ever get a word you say.”

Komaeda watched him for a moment as he went, then took to staring straight up at the sky. The clouds were white and fluffy, just like the day Hinata-kun had compared them to his hair. His eyes wandered back down to Souda’s retreating figure, now a bit further off in the distance, and he felt the smile dissipate from his lips. “Most people don’t,” he sighed to himself, his voice croaking a bit in his throat as he turned around, glancing back up at the fluffy sky.

“That’s alright, though,” he then added, continuing the conversation with himself as his feet took him aimlessly in some direction. “Someone like me doesn’t need to be understood. It’s always been this way, except for Hinata-kun. But Hinata-kun is different.

Different. And just how much was a word like that supposed to encapsulate? There were so many different connotations, so many different meanings. Komaeda wasn’t even sure he knew what he meant by the word, but perhaps that’s why it seemed to fit so well, because he really meant so many things all at once.

There was suddenly a heavy weight in his chest, as if somebody had gutted him like a fish and filled the hollow of his ribcage with cold, heavy water that sloshed horribly against his body’s inner walls. Yes, Hinata-kun sure was different, and Komaeda knew it to be true because of the feeling he had about him. There was something inside Hinata-kun, something almost appallingly similar to something inside himself. He knew that to claim that Hinata-kun was similar to him in any way was reasonable cause for infuriated indignation on the other boy’s part, but the fact was that that was exactly how he felt, and it brought him a sort of selfish comfort each time the familiar feeling buzzed in his head. Perhaps their similarities were what drove Hinata-kun to try to understand him even when he was scary and impossible to understand, but then again, perhaps he was beginning to project his own thoughts and emotions onto the other boy.

 _Beginning to? More like you have been for a long time now,_ Komaeda thought to himself, and he thought that if he would have spoken the words out loud, they surely would have taken the form of a breathy sigh.

The fact was that Hinata-kun was utterly amazing. Surely it took an obscene amount of courage, an astounding amount of _hope_ in order to attempt to understand something that one cannot comprehend, especially when it is brought to one’s attention that some similarity lies buried within the mass of frightening, tumorous opacity. He thought it must be like standing before a funhouse mirror, terrified of the warped self-image to come, and yet determined to see it, to see _through_ it. Yes, Hinata-kun truly was tremendous, and how could anybody expect a weak, wretched little bug like Komaeda Nagito to resist the appeal of such an extraordinary person?

“It’s all my fault for letting it get out of hand, for letting my disgusting emotions seep out of all my little cracks,” Komaeda murmured softly to himself, finding that he had halted a small while ago to stare down at a little patch of dandelions. “It’s my fault for allowing those poison feelings to taint my relation to Hinata-kun, but…it is also my fault for exacerbating the situation with an inappropriate reaction? Is that what I need to take responsibility for?”

Komaeda stared down at the dandelions for a moment, his mouth set in a straight, limp line and his head throbbing with a dull, persistent ache. For whatever reason that he had no hope of ever understanding, his outburst had had a negative effect on Hinata-kun and his hope, and at the very least he supposed that was something to take responsibility for. Although he was certain that the deep connection he felt towards the other boy must be wholly one-sided, for whatever reason Hinata-kun wished to be sociable and to reach towards a level of comprehension, if not sympathy, and Komaeda felt that he was obligated to do all he could to nurture Hinata-kun’s hope and make up for the unwarranted handicap he’d caused him.

Komaeda took a seat next to the small patch of dandelions, lowering himself slowly to the ground and drawing his knees up to his chin, hugging them to his chest. It was quite a predicament, really. In order to make up for the detriment he’d caused Hinata-kun, he’d have to engage the boy in a positive connection once more, and yet there was a whole slew of reasons as to why it was an atrocity of an idea to get too close. _You have to be careful,_ he told himself in his head. _You have to be so careful. You have to make him content, but don’t take it further than you need to. Let him see, and let him think freely, but don’t let him understand. And for the love of God, don’t let those wretched feelings of yours rear their ugly little heads._

Komaeda breathed a sigh out of his nostrils as he rested his chin on his knees, the sensation of the heavy, frigid water sloshing about in his hollow body once again. Some strange sort of dissatisfaction buzzed dully in the back of his skull, made his fingers prickle and itch with uncertainty as the feeling sunk deeper into his skin. His lost eyes registered a flash of yellow, and he latched his gaze onto the dandelion so he didn’t blow away and lose the rest of himself as well. After a moment of empty non-thinking, his hand seemed to move of its own volition, reaching out to pluck the weed from the ground, perhaps hold it close to himself just for some small feeling of comfort, when he realized it was just a bit darker than it had been a moment ago. The semblance of the word _shadow_ whispered through his mind just in time for a hand to appear in his line of vision, brush ever-so-gently against his own as it reached for the same dandelion he had been reaching for. His eyes went wide at the touch, and he glanced up as he recoiled his arm.

“Your head’s kind stuck in the clouds, huh?” Hinata-kun’s voice drifted into his ears as if travelling from some faraway place. “You didn’t even hear me coming up behind you.”

“Hinata…” Komaeda’s voice fractured off in the middle, and he lost the honorific somewhere amongst the broken pieces. He pulled his lips up into a smile, and he couldn’t tell if it was in the correct positioning or not, if perhaps one corner of his mouth had been tugged up just a bit too far, and he wondered if Hinata-kun noticed.

Hinata-kun’s fingers slid around the dandelion’s stem, gripping it before he plucked it from the grass and stood up straight. He studied the yellow weed for a moment, twirling it slowly between his fingers as his eyes remained fixed upon it. “Say, Komaeda, you wanna play a game?” he then inquired.

“A game?” Komaeda asked, craning his neck to gaze up at Hinata-kun. “I thought playing games with me was difficult because of my luck.”

Hinata-kun simply shook his head, his stare still refusing to stray from the dandelion. “Not that kind of game,” he clarified. “Not a luck game. You wanna play?”

“Well I’ll admit, I’m a bit confused,” Komaeda laughed a bit nervously. “Not that I’m entirely opposed to the idea, but I just don’t quite understand what you’re getting at.”

“It’s a question game,” Hinata-kun explained, finally shifting his gaze so that it slid perfectly into Komaeda’s. “I played it with Nanami earlier. This is how it goes – we each make up three rules for each other, and then we have fifteen minutes just to talk, which means we can ask questions that the other one has to answer. The game either ends if we run out of time, or if somebody doesn’t answer or breaks one of their rules, in which case that person would lose.”

“A game of rules and questions,” Komaeda murmured thoughtfully. “Rather simple, but it seems like it has the capacity to be rather interesting as well. Ah, only if you’re playing with an interesting person, though.”

“And lucky for me, I’m looking at one right now,” Hinata-kun replied, the tiniest smirk resting upon his lips evidence for the pride he took in his witty response. “Now get your ass up, if you wanna play. I’m gonna get a stiff neck if you make me stare down at you this whole time.”

Komaeda began to climb to his feet a bit clumsily, facing Hinata-kun once standing. “What if I ask you a question that forces you to break a rule?” he then questioned. “Is that cheating?”

“No, Komaeda, that’s called strategy,” Hinata-kun replied. “And I am totally going to kick your ass.”

“Quite likely!” Komaeda chimed cheerfully. “Especially with my slow mind and inexperience with this game!”

“I know you just said something bad about yourself, but it kinda sounded like a challenge to me,” Hinata-kun said, his brow furrowing in a way that would typically make him seem annoyed, if it weren’t for the mildly disorienting smirk twitching up at the corners of his mouth. “You ready to make the rules for each other, then?”

“Oh, I guess I’m ready when you are,” Komaeda replied.

“Alright then, my first rule is that you’re not allowed to lie,” Hinata-kun declared.

“Ah, but wouldn’t you want to pick a different rule?” Komaeda inquired, tilting his head to the side a bit. “You have no way of being able to tell if I’m lying or not.”

“But your rule is you can’t lie, so no lying,” Hinata-kun insisted, his smile widening a bit, although Komaeda couldn’t guess why. “Now, what’s your first rule?”

“Hmm,” Komaeda hummed, tapping a finger against his chin and looking up in thought. “My rule for you is…ah, no yes or no questions.”

“Huh?” Hinata-kun sounded, his pleasing smirk faltering a bit. “You mean I can’t ask any?”

“Precisely,” Komaeda confirmed. “Not one.”

Hinata-kun studied him for a moment before running a hand through his hair. “Okay, fine, no yes or no questions,” he said. “Then my next rule for you is no talking about hope.”

“Oh,” Komaeda murmured, somehow a bit surprised. “I wasn’t expecting that, Hinata-kun. I suppose that’s very strategic of you.”

“It’ll only keep getting in the way of the conversation if I don’t make a rule about it,” Hinata-kun offered with a shrug. “What about you? Got another rule?”

“Um, yes,” Komaeda murmured thoughtfully. “Yes, I have one. You’re not allowed to give me any compliments.”

“Huh? That’s so weird,” Hinata-kun commented, his brow furrowing a bit. “You’re picking totally weird rules. You know you have to try to get me to break them, right?”

“Oh don’t worry, I know you wouldn’t typically give out compliments to garbage in the first place, but I thought the extra precaution might be nice,” Komaeda explained with a bright smile.

“So what is it, some sort of defensive tactic?” Hinata mumbled, scratching at the side of his neck. “I still don’t really get it.”

“All the better then, isn’t it?” Komaeda replied, his wide smile still in place. “Do you have your final rule, Hinata-kun?”

“Yeah, I got my rule,” Hinata-kun said, shaking off his momentary puzzlement. “You’re not allowed to put yourself down for whole game.”

“Ah, I think that seems like a much stranger rule than mine,” Komaeda noted. “I don’t see how that gives you an advantage either way.”

“Once again, I’m trying to make the conversation more convenient,” Hinata-kun insisted. “Now you got a final rule? We’re almost ready.”

“Yes, I think I have a rule,” Komaeda said with a nod. “Your final rule is that you’re not allowed to touch me.”

“I’m not allowed…to touch you?” Hinata-kun mumbled, cocking an eyebrow. “You, um, realize we’re talking about a conversation here, right? How does that factor in at all?”

“I don’t want you touching me during our conversation,” Komaeda replied simply. “If you pay attention to others around you, you can actually see that people often tend to make physical contact during casual conversation. Isn’t that fascinating, Hinata-kun?”

“Okay, okay, no need to get all snarky about it,” Hinata-kun grumbled. “I’m just saying that it seems like an odd pick to me. All of your rules are, actually. I don’t get how you plan on winning this game like that.”

“Then why don’t we play the game and see?” Komaeda insisted cheerfully. “Would you like to begin?”

“Okay, I’ll begin,” he sighed, fishing his phone out of his pocket and starting a stop watch. “Fifteen minutes on the clock. Okay, Komaeda, where is your favorite place on the islands?”

“I see we’re starting with simple questions,” Komaeda noted. “I like Jabberwock Park. It’s beautiful and peaceful, and there are plenty of shady spots under trees and plenty of things to look at when that’s all you want to do.”

“Ah yes, I forgot that you like to do absolutely nothing in your spare time,” Hinata-kun said with a smirk.

“Oh, well I’m sure it doesn’t nearly live up to any of your endeavors, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda replied. “What is your favorite place on the islands?”

“Better watch it; that was dangerously close to a put down,” Hinata-kun warned him, his little grin still in place, and Komaeda wondered what had him in such an unusual mood. “And honestly, I’m not really sure. Maybe the beach we were all on when we first got here.”

“Huh? And why is that?” Komaeda inquired, cocking his head.

“I don’t know, nothing bad has happened there yet,” Hinata said, scratching at his head. “No murders or anything, I mean. And there were some kind of okay things that happened there, mostly before Monokuma came and ruined everything. But, yeah. I don’t know, probably the first beach.”

“I guess you like it more than the beach on the second island, then?” Komaeda mused. “After all, that is where Koizumi was beaten to death.”

“Oh, shut up about all that,” Hinata then said, his little smile shifting into a grimace. “Why do you always have to be like this, Komaeda? Can’t we just play this game without discussing anything horrible?”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you just asked me a yes or no question, since it seemed like a rhetoric question and was preceded with one that doesn’t break any rules. I mean, we’re still warming up, right?” Komaeda flashed a full-toothed smile. “But to answer that preceding question, you simply look at it as part of my nature, or my sickness, perhaps. That’s how most everybody looks at me on this island, isn’t it?”

“Your nature and your sickness are two entirely different things,” Hinata then said, surprising Komaeda with a serious response void of annoyance. “You shouldn’t act like they’re the same.”

“Well, that’s how you see it!” Komaeda laughed a bit. “Who’s to say for sure, really? Well, to springboard off your questions, why did you pick me to help when you received those letters, Hinata-kun?”

“Oh,” Hinata-kun mumbled, as if mildly surprised at the question. “Second time I answered this question today, actually. Well it’s not like those were the intentions I had when I ran into you that day, but later on I just noticed that you were really…oh.”

“Hm?”

“This no compliments thing is harder than I thought,” Hinata-kun said, frowning a bit as he tapped his finger against his chin. “I noticed that you sometimes spoke in a descriptive style, sort of like how my secret admirer writes. I thought you might be able to help me get better at writing that way so I could connect better with my secret admirer.”

“Do you think I have helped you connect with them better?” Komaeda inquired.

“Man, you ask some pretty tough questions,” Hinata-kun sighed, a somewhat exasperated smile resting upon his lips. “Um, I’m not sure. I haven’t actually exchanged many letters with my admirer. Sometimes they take a long time to respond.”

“So in other words, my help hasn’t been very helpful,” Komaeda summarized, studying the sky. The sun was creeping lower, its warm-toned light diffusing itself over the land and casting long, skinny shadows over the ground. “And on top of that, the most recent time we spent time together, we didn’t really practice anything at all. So, what is it you’re keeping me around for, Hinata-kun?”

“Wow, that’s…” Hinata-kun blew out a puff of air, running both hands through his hair. “That’s a really tough one. You’re, um, intriguing, I guess. And don’t take this the wrong way, because you’re a really bad guy, but you’re not always…so bad.”

“Not always so bad, is it?” Komaeda barely murmured, his half-lidded gaze still staring out at the horizon.

“God, that all came out so screwed up,” Hinata sighed. “That’s not what I really meant to say. I don’t really know…”

“No, it’s alright, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted, feeling his lips raising a small bit at the corners, although something in his chest was aching. He realized he felt sick, that his skull was still throbbing, the aching feeling clouding up his head as well, and he clenched his fingers into fists when he realized they were quivering. “That’s just what I expected to hear. What I wanted…”

“Komaeda,” came Hinata-kun’s regretful sigh, and the sound of feet shifting on the ground scraped by just after. Komaeda turned his head just in time to witness Hinata-kun closing the space between them, reaching out his arm.

“No touching,” Komaeda snapped quickly, his eyes widening as they stared down at Hinata-kun’s hands, and he was frozen. Hinata-kun was frozen as well, his hand hovering just behind the small of Komaeda’s back, his other hovering somewhere around sternum-height. The two locked stares, and Komaeda wondered just what Hinata-kun saw. What did he see in those eyes, the ones that resembled that of a raccoon? What did he see in those ugly, dirty raccoon eyes, staring straight at him, wide with whatever mystery feelings sloshed against the warped glass of his gaze?

“Um, sorry,” Hinata-kun breathed softly, slowly retrieving his arms and taking a step back. He cleared his throat, twisting the dandelion around in his one hand a bit nervously. “Um, you probably shouldn’t have stopped me, though. I would’ve lost.”

“Oh, um, my apologies,” Komaeda replied, attempting to sort out his brain so he could make sense of everything once again. It really did feel cloudy and achy, though, and he thought he could feel little beads of sweat forming along his hairline. “Or, you’re welcome, I suppose, ahahaha…”

“Heh, yeah,” Hinata-kun mumbled uncomfortable, glancing off to the side as he twitched his fingers, the fingers that had been millimeters away from violating a rule. What kind of touch would be a touch to the small of the back? Komaeda wasn’t quite sure, but he supposed it was good he didn’t allow himself to find out.

“How much time is left?” Komaeda then inquired, placing a hand on the side of his head and closing his eyes, concentrating on his own breath as it wheezed slowly in and out of his windpipe. Was it just him, or was he a bit dizzy now, too? He knew that it wasn’t altogether uncommon for him to grow flustered under certain circumstances (especially with his weak personality and wretched emotions and whatnot), but he couldn’t help but think that this was a bit ridiculous, even for scum like him.

“Oh, uh…just under five minutes,” Hinata-kun replied after checking his phone. “Wow, the time’s going by really fast.”

“I suppose it is” Komaeda agreed with a soft nod, and he could have sworn his brain was ricocheting all around inside his skull.

“Okay, then let’s speed this along a little, I guess,” Hinata-kun suggested, and Komaeda almost thought that he seemed to be just a bit nervous. “Okay, I’m just gonna…oh fuck, you’re really killing me with this no yes or no answers rule.”

“Ah, my apologies,” Komaeda said, seeming to anchor himself at least for the time being and letting out a soft sigh of relief. “I hope it doesn’t make the game too unenjoyable for you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hinata-kun insisted. “We don’t have much time, so we just have to work with what we got, right?”

“Um, right,” Komaeda agreed, although he didn’t quite understand why Hinata-kun was treating the two of them like a team in this game all of a sudden.

“Okay, well…You asked me why I wanted your help earlier, so why were you so willing to help me?”

“To be honest, I thought it was a bad idea at first,” Komaeda granted. “I didn’t really understand why you would pick me, or why you thought that you needed to write any different in order to impress your secret admirer, but it wasn’t as if I could turn you down. It’s like I said before, Hinata-kun. How could I ever say no to you?”

“And what exactly do you mean by that?” Hinata-kun pressed further, and through all the fuzzy, cloudy pressure pressing up against the walls of his skull, Komaeda thought it seemed that Hinata-kun was onto something specific here, that he was entering some sort of danger zone.

“Um, I…I don’t know,” Komaeda wheezed softly, wiping at the sweat on his forehead. “I don’t feel very good, Hinata-kun. I’m really very sorry, but I can’t really think—”

“We’re almost done, Komaeda,” Hinata-kun insisted, hovering close next to him, and he began to feel the hot, overbearing fingers of claustrophobia creeping in towards him. “What do you mean by that?”

“Um, just that I couldn’t deny you of something that would— oh,” Komaeda murmured, rubbing at his head and squinting his eyes as he pushed through the clouded mess and tried to think. “If I don’t answer this question I lose, but I don’t think I can answer it without breaking a rule. Well, I guess I’ll just say it. You just shine so brightly, Hinata-kun. You shine with a light so bright and warm and beautiful…You’re hope is stronger than…It’s so, so strong…It’s so beautiful…”

“Uh…” Hinata-kun couldn’t speak for a moment, just stared at Komaeda’s face with attentive yet lost eyes, blinking once, twice. He eventually averted his gaze, clearly a bit uncomfortable and at a loss for what to say. “You, um…you lost.”

“I’m sorry Hinata-kun, maybe I’m not a fun person to play this game with,” Komaeda laughed a bit hoarsely, taking a step back and breathing in a deep lungful of air, temporarily stabilizing himself.

“No, not at all, this was a really interesting game,” Hinata-kun replied. “You were pretty good at it, too. Your rules made more sense than I thought.

“Well obviously I’m not as good as you, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda said with a smile, wiping some more sweat from his hairline. “You’re the one who beat me, after all.”

“Probably just got lucky,” Hinata-kun said with a shrug.

“You said this wasn’t a luck game, though,” Komaeda pointed out.

“I guess so,” Hinata-kun conceded. “But you do know you have to go through a punishment for losing now, right? You know, like a punishment game?”

“Oh, right now?” Komaeda inquired. “I’m not so sure if I can do it right this second, Hinata-kun. I’m really not feeling so good…”

“No, no, it doesn’t have to be right now,” Hinata-kun clarified. “Actually, I was thinking it could be tomorrow.”

“Oh? What time tomorrow?”

“All day,” Hinata-kun replied, setting the little smirk from before on his face once more. “Your punishment is that you have to spend the whole day with me tomorrow, and you’re not allowed to object to what we do.”

“Ah, how bold of you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda replied. “I’d be more than happy to act as your dirty, loyal dog to any order you give me, but to not even be bothered with some form of consent is uncharacteristic for you!”

“No, no, that is definitely not what I meant!” Hinata-kun asserted loudly, a light flush coloring his features. “Jesus Christ Komaeda, you always have to make everything so weird! I don’t mean anything bad, I mean we’re gonna hang out together all day and have a goddamn good time and be happy, and _you’re_ not gonna object to it just because you think you don’t deserve it or whatever.”

“Huh? Why’s that?” Komaeda questioned, his smile falling a bit limp as some cold feeling trickled through his body.

“Because I wanna have a good time, and I wanna, um, have you be present while I’m having a good time, and I won’t have a good time if you’re insisting on not having a good time,” Hinata-kun declared a bit shakily. “Um, if that makes any sense.”

“So you won’t have good time unless we’re sharing those good feelings, is that it?” Komaeda pondered, feeling like he might be swaying ever-so-slightly. “Um, I’m not so certain our ideas of having a good time will be very compatible, Hinata-kun.”

“And I have a feeling that they’ll be more compatible than you think they’ll be,” Hinata-kun countered. “And it’s a punishment for losing, so there’s no way you’re getting out of it, anyway. Now, maybe we should start heading back to our cottages. It’ll be dark pretty soon, and we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

The two began on their way back, and the silence was almost suffocating. Komaeda took the opportunity to watch his feet as he took each step, not quite trusting his slightly wobbly legs to make it all the way back, but he seemed to be doing fairly good at the moment. He was unsure of just what was going on with his body, but he supposed it wasn’t the first time his health had taken a sudden plunge with little warning.

“Hey, Komaeda,” Hinata-kun then spoke up, and Komaeda brought his eyes up again, turning to look over at Hinata-kun.

“Yes?”

“There’s, um, something I wanted to ask you while we were playing that game,” he continued, staring down, not allowing their gazes to meet. “I was working up to somehow bringing it up, but then you broke your hope rule, so we didn’t get to it.

“Ah, well ask away then, I suppose,” Komaeda allowed, turning his gaze back to the ground as not to trip. He heard Hinata-kun suck in a deep breath beside him, then let out a heavy sigh.

“Komaeda, why didn’t you tell me you were my secret admirer?”

A tickly, anxious sensation blossomed with a horribly uncomfortable warmth in his abdomen, like a gunshot to the stomach where all you can feel is the hot blood seeping farther and farther out from the numb wound in the center. The clouds clogging up his mind were vapors of gasoline, and those softly uttered words were the small flame that set his entire mind ablaze, made everything in his body seem to malfunction all at once as if to signal that it was the end of his life, the end of the world. And yet, he kept walking, expression an unchanging mask, eyes still glued to the ground passing under him.

“Oh,” he murmured softly, his voice not even feeling real as it floated out from his lips. “Ah, you’ve got that…wrong…”

“Huh?” came Hinata-kun’s voice, and the slight movement from his peripheral vision told him that Hinata-kun was now looking at him. Reflexively, he returned the gaze, staring over at the other boy with large eyes, but an overall neutral expression.

“I’m not your secret admirer, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata-kun was apparently only capable of staring at him, utterly dumbfounded with his eyes wide, his mouth slightly agape. He’d stopped moving, and Komaeda stumbled over his own feet in an attempt to halt as well. He tried to maintain an upright position, but his vision went dark for a moment, the world spinning around him like a carousel, and suddenly he was falling.

Hinata-kun grabbed him, steadied him as the white-haired boy stumbled into him. Komaeda felt the warmth of an arm around his lower back, wrapped partially around his waist, another one bracing his shoulders. His mind eventually registered that his head was pressed into Hinata-kun’s shoulder, and he felt a panicky sort of heat engulf him. He felt his face burning hot, and he was unable to tell if it was a result of his current condition or his current situation, or (more than likely) a combination of both.

“You’re…not my admirer?” Hinata asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper that tickled Komaeda’s ears, and he felt a shiver rake down his spine. His face grew even hotter when he realized that Hinata-kun could almost definitely feel it as well.

“No,” Komaeda maintained, too afraid of his coloration to remove his face from its spot pressed into Hinata-kun’s shoulder. He found that he was gripping the fabric of the other boy’s shirt, knotting it up in his fists as they tightened. He was most certainly still sweating, still shaking, his legs feeling somewhat like jelly beneath him. “I’m sorry if any of my…interactions with you…led you to believe…”

“Komaeda, are you okay?” Hinata-kun then asked, his hold around Komaeda shifting. “You’re really hot.”

“I…I’m fine,” Komaeda mumbled, finally lifting his heavy head from its resting spot to look Hinata-kun in the eye. Their faces were very close together, and he had to squint slightly to see him properly, aware of the heat in his cheeks, in his entire body.

To his mild yet borderline incoherent surprise, Hinata-kun’s eyes widened, his pupils dilating and his cheeks flushing a pinkish color as well. “Um, let’s get you back to your cottage,” he then said, taking a step back and shifting his hands to Komaeda’s shoulders in an attempt to steady him. “You seem a little sick. I think you need some rest.”

“I think I’m alright,” Komaeda insisted softly, instinctively grasping Hinata-kun’s arms for stability. “I feel a little less dizzy already. This, ah, isn’t so uncommon. Really nothing to be worried about, especially when it comes to such a low life form as me.”

“Maybe it is nothing, but I’m still gonna get you back to your cottage,” Hinata-kun insisted, beginning to coax Komaeda in the correct direction. “We’re not so far away now.”

Komaeda allowed Hinata-kun to help him the rest of the way back, somehow feeling that this night had gone all wrong, yet not knowing exactly where it had begun to go downhill. He simply tried to be as little a burden as possible on their journey back, for it already must have been an incredibly unsavory chore for Hinata-kun to bring him back at all, especially in such a state. Eventually they reached Komaeda’s cottage, and Hinata-kun helped him inside, even made sure he made it to his bed.

“I know you probably don’t feel like getting changed, but don’t sleep in your parka,” Hinata-kun said, slipping the jacket off the other boy’s arms as he said the words. “It seems like you have a fever, so if your fever breaks that’s good, but we don’t want you to overheat.”

“Ah, maybe you should be the Super High School Level Nurse, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda laughed a little weakly.

“Well hey, I wouldn’t complain, as long as I could remember what my talent was,” Hinata-kun sighed, folding the jacket up crudely and setting it on Komaeda’s desk. “Now, uh, go to bed, I guess. Like I said, you need some rest.”

“Understood,” Komaeda said with a nod, pulling the covers up over his long legs.

“Oh, but before I leave, this is for you,” Hinata-kun said, leaning forward over the bed and holding out the dandelion from earlier. “I mean, you were about to pick it, weren’t you?”

“Oh, it’s really no big deal, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda reassured. “I can find another dandelion to pick. That one should be yours.”

“No, but you were going to pick this one,” Hinata-kun insisted, taking Komaeda’s hand, uncurling his fingers, and placing the dandelion in his palm. “So this one’s yours. Plus, that’s your reminder that we still need to have your punishment day.”

“Oh, you still want that even though I’m not your admirer?” Komaeda inquired, and he could feel his lips beginning to slur his words together, his eyelids growing heavy.

“Of course, it’s your punishment,” Hinata-kun insisted. “If you’re not feeling up to it tomorrow we can move it to another day, but you’re a loser, and losers have to own up to being losers.”

“Oh, okay. I’m a loser,” Komaeda murmured, his eyes almost entirely closed by this point.

“I’ll leave you alone now, I guess,” Hinata-kun said, but Komaeda could no longer see him. Instead he heard the footsteps crossing the room to the door. “See ya.”

The door closed, and Komaeda sighed, rolling over in his bed. He pried his eyes open just barely, getting a glimpse of yellow from the dandelion gripped gingerly in his hand. “Oh, this is really bad, isn’t it?” he mumbled to himself. “You’re so worthless, Nagito. Can’t do anything right. And that Hinata-kun, I really, really _hate him…”_

A second passed, and then he furrowed his brow, eyes shut once more. “Hate him? That’s not what I meant to say…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so comes the beginning of Despair Fever...
> 
> Seriously though guys, thanks so much for sticking with me all this way! This chapter was really kind of a challenge to write, but I hope I pulled it off in a way that made sense and was still true to the characters. I ended up looking at freetime events and the drama cd again in order to help organize all of Komaeda's thoughts in this chapter, because (much like him), I just had so many things whirling around in my head that I couldn't write it down as any comprehensible thing, lol. It was also kind of strange to write Hinata doing a little bit of chasing, since he's a little bit of a tsundere and is still having some trouble rationalizing how he feels about Komaeda, but I also think that's kind of what Komaeda needs at a time like this. I don't know, as usual, any input on how I handled their personalities is always much appreciated!!
> 
> I know I always ramble too much in the notes, but I just wanted to end by saying that I still do not intend on dropping this fic at any point. School just started for me and it might be hard for me to get updates out as fast as I did before, but I'm determined to go all the way to the end with this, so thanks for not losing faith in me!! Once again, any kind of feedback would seriously make my day, and thanks so much for supporting me!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, new chapter time!! Thanks so much for being patient with me since it's harder for me to crank these out as fast as I did before, and as always thanks sososo much for the support you give me!! Reading your comments always makes me feel really happy and it really does give me motivation to write more!
> 
> So this chapter is...long. Probably the longest one so far. And it's pretty angsty too, but hopefully not in a cliche or cheesy way. It was sort of difficult to write at some parts, but I actually did enjoy it, so I really, really hope you guys do too!!
> 
> Oh, and do you guys remember that part in the chapter three trial? The one at the end after they all find out it's Tsumiki, and Komaeda is criticizing her for killing in the name of despair because of the person she loves, and then she just looks at him and goes "Is it because you have nobody you love? Is it because you're not someone who gets forgiven by others?" And it kinda like, shuts him up?? Almost for like the rest of the chapter ending???
> 
> I mean it's not like I'm bringing it up for a reason or anything. Just sorta was making sure you all remembered....

Hinata sighed as he trudged down the path with the rest of his classmates, Komaeda’s fluffy hair tickling his neck and the sides of his face as he carried him on his back, and he wondered just what it was he’d done to have this happen to him in his life.

It wasn’t that the kid was heavy. In fact, Hinata had been surprised upon first hoisting him up that someone of Komaeda’s stature weighed so little, and he was even more surprised at the bones jutting out in sharp angles underneath his clothing as he made contact with him at many more points than he could remember having ever before. However, he was still a person, and the weight of a person can get pretty annoying when being carried all the way from one island to an entirely different one. The heat didn’t help either, beating down from the sun and rolling off Komaeda’s skin in waves, combining to engulf Hinata in his own little personal hell.

Looking back on it, Hinata felt like he should have seen something like this coming. The night before it had been very clear that Komaeda was feeling particularly unwell – so unwell, in fact, that he’d actually brought it up as opposed to putting on an unfazed façade, as Hinata thought he normally might do. His mind briefly wondered if the boy would have admitted to feeling ill so freely in the presence of anybody else, but he quickly decided that that was a stupid thought with no real reason to be answered. The fact was that Komaeda had felt sick, and assuming that it would be a normal type of sickness, Hinata hadn’t been very worried. Well, not extraordinarily worried. Honestly.

Still though, there was no way Hinata’s innocent mind (that really just wanted to have a nice little break from all this nonsense) could have offhandedly expected Komaeda’s inbound illness to be anything of a more generalized danger to the island, and especially not a murder motive. The Lying Fever? So everything he said would be a lie then, right?

Hinata grimaced, adjusting his grip on Komaeda as not to drop him. Did this disease not have a cure? He wanted to maintain some hope that it did, but knowing Monokuma, he felt an undeniable churning of doubt in his stomach. What if Komaeda could never tell the truth again?

It was then that a bitter thought slithered to the front of his brain: _Isn’t that how Komaeda always is?_

“No,” Hinata mumbled under his breath, his eyebrows scrunched together. Now wasn’t the time for such thoughts. He should have more faith in Komaeda.

…But was that really true? Why should he have faith in someone who’d intentionally tried to start the mutual killings? Even if Komaeda was placed in a more positive light, as a lonely kid lost in his own broken mind who just needed some help (a thought that was still oftentimes hard to swallow), why should that suddenly make him somebody worthy of trust? Hinata would be lying to himself if he ever said that he full-heartedly believed anything Komaeda had told him without a shadow of a doubt in his mind. Just how much did he lie on a regular basis? How much would this Despair Fever change?

“…Hinata…kun…”

The raspy breath sent a chill down Hinata’s spine despite the striking warmth it spread across the skin of his neck and ear. “Huh?” he spoke hesitantly, almost a little bit afraid of whatever he was going to say.

“Stop it,” Komaeda’s slurred, breathy words spilled into his ear. Komaeda’s grasp around him shifted, held tighter, and another wave of sickly heat rolled slowly through Hinata’s body. “I…I really hate you, Hinata-kun…”

“What?” Hinata croaked, surprisingly jarred by the statement, and his chest felt heavy. “No, stop talking, Komaeda.”

“I hate this, I want you to drop me,” Komaeda persisted, and Hinata was all but certain the intense heat of the boy’s breath washing over his ear and neck would cause him to pass out. “Let me spill all over the ground.”

“Komaeda, stop.”

“Every second you’re touching me feels like insects crawling under my skin.”

Hinata swallowed hard, set surprisingly on edge by the comments and incredibly relieved that they were all now entering the hospital. _He’s just lying,_ he told himself as he set the boy very carefully on the ground, trying his best to support him so he didn’t fall over. _You know that, so why are you making such a big deal of it in your head?_

“Um, a-alright, I’m going to get them all changed into hospital gowns,” Tsumiki then stammered, herding the other two sick students to her side as she took Komaeda’s arm and wrapped it around her shoulders in order to better support him. “I’ll be right back!”

 _I’ll help,_ Hinata almost offered, but he caught the statement halfway up his throat. Tsumiki knew what she was doing. Why was he so worried, anyway?

It was then that the rest of them discussed how the matter of the Despair Fever should be handled, eventually coming to the consensus that the infected students should be “hospitalized” ( _more like quarantined,_ Hinata thought) in order for the disease not to spread. Tsumiki would stay with the sick students so she could tend to them, and Hinata would stay as well, because he was oh-so-lucky enough to be the one who had touched all their foreheads and carried Komaeda back to the hospital, therefore exposing himself to the disease. Kuzuryuu volunteered to stay in the hospital as well in order to make up for his past behaviors, and it was eventually just the two of them standing in the lobby.

“Well, this sure is an ordeal to come back to,” Kuzuryuu sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “A real great time, huh?”

“Tell me about it,” Hinata sighed as well, feeling somehow strange about speaking with Kuzuryuu casually after his attitude at the beginning of their time on the island together. “I’m already sick of this whole thing, no pun intended.”

“Yeah, how was carrying Komaeda on your back all the way here?” Kuzuryuu asked. “Saw he was whispering sweet nothings in your ear—”

“Not sweet nothings,” Hinata snapped a little faster than he should have, resisting the urge to cringe directly after realizing how inappropriate his reaction was.

“Whoa, just a joke, dude. I meant I saw him saying things in your ear.” He furrowed his brow. “Wait – are you blushing?”

“No!” Hinata declared, apparently just rolling with the aggressively defensive front he’d so unceremoniously thrown up. “Why would I be blushing?”

“Dude, what the fuck, you are definitely blushing!” Kuzuryuu returned, his eyebrows shooting up. “Your face is getting all red!

“You’re one to talk; you always look like you’re blushing!” Hinata suddenly found himself blurting out, and ironically it was Komaeda’s words from their first day on the island that rang out in his mind: _Be careful not to bring up his baby face. You might end up losing a finger._

Well shit.

“Excuse me?” Kuzuryuu spat, his eyes filling with ire. “I was just trying to make a joke, dude! Why are you making such a big deal out of it?”

“Waaahhhhhh!!!!” came Tsumiki’s cry as she half-stumbled into the room. “Please stop screaming so loudly!!! The patients need to rest!!!”

Hinata blinked at her for a second. “Uh, I think you’re the one screaming now,” he muttered, but he couldn’t really tell if she heard. She was freaking out too much either way.

“Uh, why don’t we all check on the patients for now, then?” Kuzuryuu said a bit awkwardly, glancing off to the side. “I mean we don’t know how suddenly their conditions could change, so it’d be good to monitor them, right? And there’s three of us and three of them.”

“Th-that would be a great idea!” Tsumiki agreed, nodding her head vigorously. “Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to keep my eyes on all three of them at once, so at least until we get a better understanding of their conditions, it would be such a great help to me!”

The three of them entered the hallway through the double doors, and Tsumiki spoke up again. “Um, I didn’t really get to finish checking up on all of Mioda-san’s symptoms, so if neither of you mind I think I’ll stay with her. Kuzuryuu-kun can stay with Owari-san if he wants, and Hinata-kun could maybe go with Komaeda-san? It’s just, you seem to be the only one who knows how to handle him lately…”

“Um, yeah,” Hinata mumbled, trying not to see Kuzuryuu’s suspicious look directed his way.

“And of course if you need anything, feel free to come get me!” Tsumiki stressed. “Any notable change of their conditions at all!”

The three went their separate ways, and Hinata hurried to Komaeda’s door before Kuzuryuu could have a chance to strike, letting out a small sigh as he closed the door behind him. Yikes, that was a close one. With any luck the mobster would forget about it by the time they saw each other next, but then again, Hinata had never been known for his luck.

However, the one who _was_ known for his luck was lying down in the hospital bed before him, chest rising and falling with quick, shallow breaths underneath his hospital gown. Hinata crept closer to the side of his bed, studying the boy’s features in more detail.

His eyes were squeezed shut, and that paired with his labored breathing gave Hinata the impression that he was really kind of struggling. Perhaps in some pain? His curly tendrils of hair were plastered to his forehead and the back of his neck with sweat, and beads of it were rolling down his face. A thin line of drool was driveling out of his gasping mouth, and his skin was so blanched he seemed almost gray, save for the feverish redness in his cheeks.

Hinata was no Super High School Level Nurse, but he didn’t think any of that seemed very good.

Not knowing what else to do, but feeling a bit at a loss when not putting himself to use, Hinata carefully leaned over the bed, lightly touching his hand to Komaeda’s forehead once more. The boy flinched, sucking in a hiss of air and squeezing his eyes shut even tighter, and Hinata quickly recoiled his hand. He felt hotter than he had earlier.

“Wh…wha…?” Komaeda’s fitful voice croaked hoarsely through his quivering lips, his eyes still closed as his thin, bony fingers knotted themselves into his sheets.

“Shh, calm down,” Hinata told him, his voice probably anything but soothing. He really hoped he didn’t just mess something up by doing that.

Komaeda pried his eyes open just a little bit, squinting up at him with thin slivers of dusty grayish-green. Despite his extreme pallor, his cheeks were flushed and he was starting to pant. “…Hinata-kun,” he somehow managed to get out between breaths.

“Uh,” Hinata mumbled, staring down at Komaeda with wide eyes and not a clue of how to respond. He felt like he should do something, anything to be more comforting, but he wasn’t sure in the slightest how to accomplish that goal. What did his parents always do for him when he was sick as a kid?

“Um, don’t worry,” he told the sick boy, sort of stumbling through the words, but hoping they still retained some of their meaning. He cautiously sat himself down on the edge of the bed, close to Komaeda’s head. “You’re gonna be fine, okay? Tsumiki’s taking care of you, and she’s the best of the best.”

“Don’t trust Tsumiki-san,” Komaeda wheezed, turning his head more towards Hinata, pressing half of it into his pillow. “She’s not a real nurse. She’s a fraud. She’s going to poison me.”

“No she’s not,” Hinata said with a frown, feeling that he should attempt to reassure him despite the fact that he knew he was lying. “She’s here to help you.”

“She’s planning to kill you too,” Komaeda insisted, a fragment of a chuckle slipping from between his dry lips. The lips split into a grin, and he pressed his head into the pillow even harder, a fit of hoarse, broken laughter bubbling out from his mouth like foam from a dog with rabies. “Ahahahaha, she wants to…to kill…us…haha…hahahaha…”

“Komaeda, please, calm down,” Hinata practically pleaded. Really, what _had_ his parents done to make him feel better when he was younger? At a loss for what would be best, Hinata reached carefully out towards the other boy’s head, hesitating before finally setting his hand lightly atop his hair. Komaeda flinched, his rough breathing catching in his throat, but he stopped laughing, falling silent again except for the shallow in and out of his breath. “Um, we’re gonna take care of you, okay?” he continued a bit uncomfortably, beginning to awkwardly work his fingers through the tangled tendrils of hair in an attempt to be somewhat soothing. Komaeda stayed quiet for a while like that, occasionally a heavy sigh escaping his lightly gasping mouth.

Hinata found that the petting motions came more naturally as the time went by, and he began to feel a little less uncomfortable about it bit by bit. It gave him the opportunity to compare the texture of Komaeda’s hair to what he’d always imagined it would feel like (not that he imagined such things often, of course). From a bit farther away Hinata had always thought of it sort of like a not-so-colorful version of cotton candy, or a big white cumulous cloud, like he’d made a comparison to the one time when they were practicing figurative language. It was still quite fluffy and soft to the touch, but more knotted than he’d imagined. It was always so difficult to tell with his curls, but Hinata found himself wondering if the boy knew of the existence of combs. Still, he didn’t mind, though, swirling his fingers gently through the other boy’s tresses and massaging his skull with the tips of his fingers in a way that he hoped was soothing.

 _God, I can’t imagine what some of the others would say if they caught me doing this,_ he couldn’t help thinking to himself in embarrassment, yet he maintained the soft rhythm of his stroking. _I mean I guess I have an excuse, but it’s still so weird…_

“Stop,” Komaeda then murmured weakly, snatching Hinata’s attention in its entirety once more. “I hate it. Feels like ticks crawling in my scalp.”

Hinata hesitated. He was lying, right? So did he want him to keep petting him? “Um, you’re lying, right?” he decided to ask, knowing it was stupid to do so the moment the words left his mouth.

“I’m not lying, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted. “I never lie.”

“I’m sure you don’t,” Hinata sighed.

“Get away from me.”

That one hit him a little, almost sort of sunk in. “You mean you want me to stay close, right?”

“No, get away from me,” Komaeda panted, turning his head up a bit. He was sweating more, his cheeks redder and his pillow wet from where he’d drooled on it. “I don’t like it. I don’t like you sitting this close to me. Get off. Get away.”

Hinata frowned, his petting hand slowing to a stop. It felt wrong to keep persisting. “You…want me to move?”

“Yes!” Komaeda said more loudly, an effort that seemed rather like a waste of energy considering his condition. “Get away from me. Get out of my room.”

“I have to stay in your room,” Hinata tried to explain, though he retrieved his hand from Komaeda’s head, standing up at his bedside. “I have to watch over you until we get a better grasp on your condition. It’s so we can make you better.”

“I’ve never felt healthier in my life. I don’t need you,” Komaeda insisted, and he started to roll over a bit, almost as if attempting to climb off the bed, although the effort was a pathetic one at most. “So get out. You make me feel worse.”

Ouch, that one hurt a little. “Komaeda stop, why are you trying to get up?” Hinata fretted, grabbing the boy lightly by his shoulders and coaxing him back down to a recumbent position.

“Stop looking at me,” Komaeda persisted still, his hand shakily grabbing hold on top of one of Hinata’s as he lay down. “I don’t like your eyes. They’re too dull, just like your mind.”

That one sent a sick-feeling jolt through Hinata’s chest, and he didn’t really know how to respond. He felt much like a fish flopping around out of water, only with more shame. “O-okay,” he finally said, grabbing Komaeda’s blankets and pulling them up over his body. “I don’t want you getting out of bed again, okay?”

“When I’m sick, I feel so loved and lionhearted,” Komaeda babbled out of nowhere, the minimal movement of his somewhat slackened lips making it difficult to understand everything he said, and he seemed to be grabbing for Hinata’s arm again. “I’m not sick now, but that’s how I always feel. So leave me alone.”

“Now I don’t even know what you’re trying to say,” Hinata sighed, hoping he wouldn’t try to explain himself. So far Hinata liked sick Komaeda best when he was keeping quiet.

“Your presence is revolting…you make me feel so much worse…get away from me,” Komaeda told him between feverish pants, and Hinata found himself feeling more and more slighted the longer he spent in the hospital room. He was sure neither of the other two had to deal with constant abuse the entire time while watching over their patients. Sure, Owari and Mioda had their downsides in this state as well, but Hinata was quickly growing tired of the repeated insults.

Hinata made to back away, but Komaeda’s grip on his wrist tightened, and for some reason it struck him oddly. _His skin is really hot,_ the thought buzzed in his mind, and he glanced back over at the boy, who was leaning halfway off his bed in order to keep holding on. Hinata felt a thick wave of exasperation bulldoze through him, but he quickly pushed it aside as he tried to pry Komaeda’s hand off. “Komaeda, _please.”_

“You won’t leave me alone, so I have to make you,” Komaeda’s jumbled-up words spilled all over the place, the expression on his face urgent and labored, and he started rolling over again, tossing his leg over the side of the bed as if to stand up.

“No,” Hinata scolded, grabbing Komaeda’s leg and trying to shove it back onto the bed. “Goddamn it, just _lay down.”_

“I’m not scared! I know I’ll be fine!” Komaeda argued shrilly, almost desperately as he tried to fight with Hinata’s attempts to get him to lie down, but he struggled to do so in his weakened state. “I don’t want you to stay with me!”

The words jolted through Hinata’s brain, their frantic, raspy quality shaking in his ears and sending a chill down his spine for some reason that he didn’t quite think he could describe. Still, there was little time to dwell upon them in the moment, for Komaeda was squirming all about, and it was clearly not a good idea to allow him to get up in his current state (which was declining rapidly, it seemed). And so Hinata wrestled with the gangly boy, grabbing his wrists and pressing them against the mattress, realizing that he’d left his leg unattended, giving Komaeda the opportunity to hang it off the bed once more, which Komaeda quickly took.

“Why are you so upset? What did I do wrong?” Hinata demanded, more out of frustration than the expectation of an answer. Komaeda started grabbing at him again as he released a hand to deal with his leg once more, and he let out an extraordinarily frustrated sigh. Quite done with this game at this point, Hinata shoved Komaeda’s leg back onto the bed, letting himself up and setting his own legs atop Komaeda’s so they couldn’t move, then leaning over him and pinning his arms back down on the bed as well. Exhausted but victorious, he panted down at the frail, sick boy he’d just conquered.

Komaeda squinted up at him with hazy eyes, panting as well. His body felt like it was burning through Hinata’s skin where they were making contact, even through their clothing, and his cheeks were painted with a deep blush despite the rest of his skin seeming to be paler than usual. His hair was tousled, most likely from their little wrestling match, but also likely from when Hinata had been messing with it, and his forehead glistened with a sheen of sweat where his hair wasn’t obscuring it. “Hinata…kun,” he murmured breathily, his voice hoarse and broken and so very _appealing,_ and it was then that Hinata realized that this had all been a _very bad idea._

Hinata seemed to freeze for a second, unable to do anything but stare down at Komaeda with very, very wide eyes. He swallowed thickly, realizing just how high Komaeda’s body temperature was, just how much of that heat seemed to be seeping into his own body, making his own cheeks burn and his own hairline grow damp with sweat. He felt guilty for some reason, gaping down at Komaeda’s clearly indecent expression and feeling that he was somehow even more indecent. His fingers twitched on their own, his thumb brushing across Komaeda’s wrist, caressing his unbelievably hot skin, and Komaeda closed his eyes, puffing out a sigh of unbelievably hot breath across Hinata’s face as he leaned his head all the way back, exposed the length of his neck, and dear God Hinata needed to _get off of this boy, what did he think he was doing?_

Hinata jumped off the bed like he’d been struck by a bolt of lightning, feeling shaky and melty and all sorts of _weird_ things. Komaeda gasped at his absence, prying his eyes open once more and seeming to be distressed again, but Hinata knew he couldn’t do anything to help, not at this moment, at least.

“I’m sorry, Komaeda,” he said, his words hasty and clumsy as they spilled from his mouth, and he was already halfway out the door. “I won’t leave you alone, but I have to go.”

“Hinata-kun—”

Hinata shut the door, immediately running both his hands through his hair, his eyes wide, his breathing heavy. “You need to get somebody to watch him,” he mumbled to himself. “Get someone in there. He wasn’t doing well, he shouldn’t be left alone. Why the hell did you just leave him alone? Because you were uncomfortable? What, you can’t deal with some physical contact? That’s all it was, nothing bad or anything like that. There’s nothing wrong with touching someone. Unless they’re sick and you can’t even tell if they’re okay with it… And…sick? Holy shit, what if I get sick?”

Hinata took off, throwing the door open to Mioda’s room, and he was surprised to find both Tsumiki and Kuzuryuu standing there. Tsumiki jumped as the door swung open violently, letting out a squeal, and Kuzuryuu glanced over as well, raising his eyebrows when he saw Hinata standing there so clearly upset.

“Hinata-san!” Tsumiki yelped. “Is something wrong? Do you need—”

“Shower!” Hinata exclaimed rather unceremoniously. “Is there a shower in here? I need to take a shower!”

“Why the hell do you need a shower?” Kuzuryuu demanded as Tsumiki ran to Hinata’s side.

“Komaeda!” Hinata said, as if it were explanation enough in and of itself. “He was touching me! I know Monokuma said it’s an airborne disease, but, um, but…”

“Um, since it’s airborne, you might not need a full shower,” Tsumiki tried to explain. “If it was only a little bit of touching then you might just want to wash your hands or something like that….”

“No, no, too much touching,” Hinata insisted. “Please, Tsumiki, I wanna take a shower!”

“Ahh, okay!” she cried. “I’ll show you where the shower is!”

“Wait, but someone should go in there!” Hinata then said, pointing to the direction Komaeda’s room was in. “I don’t think he’s okay. He seems like he’s in a lot of distress, doesn’t know what’s going on.”

“I’ll go,” Kuzuryuu offered. “Owari was doing fine. I came over to tell Tsumiki that she seemed stable, turns out Mioda was doing pretty good too. I can watch him for a bit.”

“Good,” Hinata said with a nod, feeling somehow nervous about Kuzuryuu watching over the white-haired boy, but keeping silent about his most definitely irrational worries. “Where’s the shower, then? I really think I need it.”

“Right this way,” Tsumiki replied, and she led him out of the room and down the hallway. Hinata thought of the distressed tone of Komaeda’s voice as he’d left, and he felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

 

~~~

When Hinata woke up, he couldn’t breathe.

Something was constricting his throat, pressing on it and blocking the air from getting to his lungs. He opened his eyes, but his vision was dark, and he started flailing his arms, realizing that it was a person’s arms wrapped around him. _Is this a murder?!_ The phrase somehow formulated in his brain. _Am I going to die? Is there going to be a trial about me?_

It was then that he realized someone calling his name, shaking him and calling out his name. He suddenly could breathe once more, and his vision slowly seeped back in, revealing Tsumiki standing over him. “Hinata-kun! I thought you were going to die!”

“M-me too,” Hinata grumbled, sitting up and rubbing at his throat. “What was that? Was that you?”

“U-um, I know we’re taking shifts resting, but Kuzuryuu said that he had everything under control, and that I could rest too,” Tsumiki fretted nervously. “But when I came you were already sleeping in the bed…”

“So you just climbed in with me?” Hinata scoffed. “Why would you do that?”

“Um, if it makes you feel better, next time I can be on the bottom?”

“What? No!” Hinata shouted. “What next time?”

“I-I meant if there is a next time!”

Hinata sighed, running a hand through his hair. Was this how Komaeda had felt when he’d suddenly climbed on top of him? His guilt from earlier began creeping into his head once more, and he hoped the other boy was too sick to remember it.

Suddenly Kuzuryuu burst into the room, the door slamming against the wall and causing both Hinata and Tsumiki to jump. “Huh? What are you two doing?”

“Huh?” Hinata said, looking over at him.

“What? Don’t tell me you guys were sleeping with each other!” he then gasped, seemingly horrified. “That’s disgusting! You two are high school students!”

“No, it’s not what it looks like!” Hinata tried to argue, wondering just how the hell he could have possibly ended up in this situation. “It’s really, really not what it looks like!”

“Whatever, you two just get your asses up, okay?” Kuzuryuu then said, shaking it off. “I think there’s something wrong with Komaeda.”

An icy feeling spread all throughout Hinata’s body, making his fingertips go numb. “...Wha?”

“I don’t think he’s breathing.”

Surely Hinata would have stayed in that petrified position forever if Tsumiki hadn’t jumped to her feet next to him, startling him out of his horrified stupor. “Wahhh, this is awful!” she cried, running off in the direction of Komaeda’s room. “This is no time for me to be resting!”

“What are you doin’ all bent-over?” Kuzuryuu spat, snapping Hinata out of his sickening trance entirely. “Come on!”

“I-I’m not bent over!” Hinata somehow stuttered out, bolting towards to door. The two of them eventually made it to Komaeda’s hospital room, and Tsumiki was hunched over the sickly boy. Hinata felt his body screaming to run over as well, but he used all the energy coursing through his veins to hold himself back. Tsumiki knew what she was doing; he’d just get in the way.

And so he balled his fingers into fists, fingernails biting into tender skin, teeth clenched together tighter than ever before, grinding against each other as they shifted with the force of his jaw. His eyes were wider than wide, fixed in a horrified stare at the nurse and her patient.

“Komaeda-san!” Tsumiki squealed, her limbs shaking as she hovered her hands over the boy. “Please stay with us!”

“Is he okay?” Hinata demanded, unsure of how he got the words to leave his mouth, his lips numb. His blood was singing through his bloodstream, pulsing audibly each time it squished by his ears.

“I…Um, well he’s breathing again,” Tsumiki stammered, still leaning over Komaeda’s body. “That’s um, still just a small comfort, though. In this condition he’s clearly still in the danger zone…”

“What the hell do you mean by danger zone?” Kuzuryuu asked, and Hinata was glad he didn’t have to, because his mouth surely would have failed to function in that moment.

“I mean he could…if we’re not careful, there’s a chance…he could die…”

Hinata didn’t quite hear anything after that, didn’t quite see anything, either. His legs felt wobbly, his head felt cloudy. His vision refocused, though only by a marginal amount, and he saw the smear of white against the hospital bed’s pillow, the smear of white that could be nothing but Komaeda’s fluffy hair. Somebody was speaking, words he obviously didn’t care about, couldn’t in that moment. It wasn’t until a hand firmly gripped his shoulder that he snapped out of it, jumping, turning his wide-eyed stare to the hand’s owner.

“Didn’t you hear me?” Kuzuryuu growled in his face. “We should get out of here, give Tsumiki some room to do her thing. We’re only making her nervous and getting in the way.”

“Uh, yeah,” Hinata barely breathed, nodding his head frantically. Kuzuryuu let him go and started heading to the door, and Hinata followed him on shaky legs, trying his best not to look behind him on his way out. Inevitably he failed, and he was left with the image of Komaeda’s weak, desperate form struggling to breathe imprinted on the backs of his eyelids when he blinked.

“Hey, just what the hell is wrong with you?” Kuzuryuu questioned as soon as the door was closed. “Why have you suddenly lost the ability to walk?”

“I-I just…” Hinata glanced back over at the room. What was he to say? How could he possibly explain his recent interactions with Komaeda? How could he even think straight with this horrible turn of events going on?

Kuzuryuu sighed. “Here, let’s get a glass of water, okay?” he said, starting down the hall. “You’re shaken up, I get it. We’ll talk about it after you calm down, I guess.”

Hinata’s hands were still quivering a bit after he sat with Kuzuryuu in the lobby, his little paper cup of water gripped tightly between them. He didn’t want to have this conversation right now, not with all these awful possibilities running through his head, but here he was with the Super High School Level Gangster, and there was no way he was getting out of this.

“So,” Kuzuryuu started after a stretch of silence, and Hinata felt his heart plummet, “Just what is this about?”

“Where should I start?” Hinata laughed humorlessly, taking a small sip of his water.

Kuzuryuu frowned. “Okay, well, is this about Tsumiki or Komaeda?”

The question struck him as odd, and so he looked over at the smaller boy. “Huh? Hinata murmured. “Tsumiki? Why would this be about her?”

“You two looked pretty comfy in that room upstairs,” Kuzuryuu replied. “What, is it not about her?”

“Oh, no, no,” Hinata sighed, shaking his head. “I meant it when I said it wasn’t what it seemed like. I fell asleep upstairs, and she claims to have fallen asleep on top of me. I was just as shocked as you were.”

“So it wasn’t Tsumiki, then,” Kuzuryuu noted. “That’s what I thought. It’s Komaeda then, right? You were acting weird about him earlier too.”

Hinata grimaced, staring down at his little paper cup once more. “I guess you could say that,” he mumbled.

“What happened when you were in the room with him earlier?” Kuzuryuu then inquired.

“Uh, well he was just acting weird because of the fever,” Hinata tried to explain. “He seemed sorta upset, so I tried to calm him down. It would only work when I started petting his hair though, but after a while he got restless again. He started saying all sorts of mean things to me and telling me that he didn’t want me there and wanted me to leave, but when I tried to give him some space he started grabbing me and trying to get out of bed. I eventually had to wrestle him down, but then it just got weird, and I realized I’d been having too much physical contact with him, and he’d been touching me all over, so…”

“Ah, so that’s it then?” Kuzuryuu murmured. “I sure missed a lot while I was gone, huh?”

“What do you mean?” Hinata inquired, turning his gaze back over to Kuzuryuu.

“I’m not an idiot, you know,” Kuzuryuu said with a frown. “I know what it looks like when someone’s got feelings for someone else.”

Hinata froze, his lips slightly parted, and he almost dropped his cup of water. Immediately a hot blush crept in towards his face and the tips of his ears, and his whole body tensed up. “Huh?” he said, perhaps a bit too loudly. “You mean _romantic_ feelings? H-how could you…Why would you think—”

“Like I said, I’m not an idiot,” Kuzuryuu repeated. “I don’t know what the fuck happened while I was gone, but somehow you fell for him. You started blushin’ when I asked about you carrying him here earlier, then Tsumiki says you should take care of him since you know how to handle him best, and now you can’t get a grip ‘cause he’s in danger of dying. You got it bad, bro.”

Hinata blinked over at him, unable to identify whether he was embarrassed or insulted or taken aback or what, until he finally regained the ability to move his mouth, and he was surprised at the words that came tumbling out. “You can’t tell anybody,” he said in a low, urgent voice. “Not one person. Everyone knows that I’ve been trying to be more friendly with him, but most of them think it’s just so I can understand him better so he’s not a threat. Souda and Nanami even know that I have a personal investment in it, but if anybody found out that I…They’d never…I don’t think they’d ever get it. I don’t know if they could forgive me…”

“Listen, I’m not one to air people’s dirty laundry,” Kuzuryuu offered. “Do I think it’s weird that you’re into Komaeda? Yeah, I do. It’s pretty shocking actually, and that guy’s weird as hell, but your business is your business, and I’m not gonna judge. You were the one that was closest to him before all that shit went down anyway, and obviously I missed some things while I was away. I’m not gonna judge, and I’m not gonna tell.”

“Really?” Hinata breathed, stunned. “You mean it doesn’t bother you?”

“Not my business,” the gangster offered with a shrug. “But actually, I’m about to make it my business, so now it is.”

“What do you mean?”

Kuzuryuu turned to look at him, looked him straight in the eye. “You care a lot about him, don’t you?” he said, and for some reason his tone of voice made Hinata fall silent. “I could tell by the way you were freaking out in his hospital room. Whether you’ve come to terms with it or you think it’s okay or not, he means a lot to you, and you’re really upset that he’s in danger of dying right now, right?”

Hinata nodded slowly, swallowing a lump in his throat. He didn’t like talking about this all in the open.

“Then don’t you dare fucking hold yourself back,” Kuzuryuu commanded, something sparking alight in his eye that Hinata had never seen before. “Because you can’t control how this is going to end, but you can control what you do. So are you going to let this go, hoping for the best, and then regret it for the rest of your life if things don’t work out alright? Or are you gonna man the fuck up and own up to your feelings and actually do something about them?”

“Kuzuryuu…” Hinata whispered, shocked at the moving display of emotion.

“Listen,” Kuzuryuu huffed, clearly choked up and trying to control his voice, averting his gaze. “I might not get what you see in Komaeda, but I know what you’re feeling. I made a choice not to acknowledge those feelings until it was too late, but it’s not too late for you yet.” The other boy forced himself to return his gaze once more, tears streaming down his face, dripping onto his pants. “If I could go back I would have told Peko…I would have told her so much sooner. So don’t you dare let your shitty pride get in the way.”

“Kuzuryuu,” Hinata said again, laying a hand on the gangster’s shoulder in a gesture he hoped was comforting, tears starting to sting his own eyes. “You showed her that you cared at the end—”

“I’m not fishing for sympathy, I’m tryna stop you from doing something stupid,” Kuzuryuu snapped. “What’s holding you back? What would stop you from talking to him?”

Hinata stared at him for a moment, his mind spinning. “Um, the others,” he mumbled. “I’m worried the others will hate me. I don’t think they’d be able to understand—”

“Other people’s opinions are bullshit,” Kuzuryuu insisted. “Give me a real reason.”

“I…” Hinata racked his brain. There had to be reasons in there, reasons buried deep, deep down. “I’m scared,” he eventually got out. “I’m scared of trusting him again after what happened before, and I’m scared that he’s gonna rip himself apart right in front of me without realizing how much it hurts to see him do that.”

“Now those are real reasons,” Kuzuryuu said with a nod, rubbing the tears from his eye. “Those are the important reasons. But do they outweigh how important it is to let him know that he’s important to you?”

“I-I guess not,” Hinata stammered. He felt himself sweating, and he prayed to God that he wasn’t coming down with the illness as well.

“Are your fears something you think you could overcome?”

“I don’t know,” Hinata confessed. “I really don’t know, but…I can try.”

“Then there should be nothing holding you back.”

Hinata was silent for what felt like a long moment, staring down at the little cup of water held between his two hands. “I’m sorry you lost Peko,” he finally spoke up.

Kuzuryuu opened his mouth, his muscles coiled in tension, ready to strike out against the forbidden words, but something stopped him. His body relaxed, and he slumped down against the back of his chair and let out a deep sigh. “Thanks,” he murmured softly.

“…I’m not exactly sure what to do, though,” Hinata then confessed. “It’s always so hard to predict what’s going on in Komaeda’s head, and now more than anything I don’t know what to do. I mean, what if he rejects me? Can you imagine that? Me confessing to Komaeda of all people, and then he rejects me…”

“Why would he do that?” Kuzuryuu questioned. “You got a reason to doubt that he feels the same?”

“There’s nothing I don’t doubt about him,” Hinata sighed. “He’s finicky like that, you know. Just when you think you got him figured out, he turns around and does something that doesn’t fit the pattern at all. Plus, he’s especially hard to deal with in this state. He’s being really mean to me, but at the same time he can’t just leave me alone.”

“Well he’s got the lying fever, right?” Kuzuryuu pointed out. “So if he’s being mean and insulting you, doesn’t that mean that he keeps trying to give you compliments?”

Hinata felt a light heat in his cheeks, and he tried with all his might to will it away. What was he, a shoujo manga protagonist? “Um, I guess,” he mumbled. “And I know when he says he wants me to leave that he actually wants me to stay. I know that, but it’s so easy to get caught up in it when that’s all he’s saying.”

Suddenly Komaeda’s shrill words from a couple hours earlier rang in his head: _I’m not scared!_ They shrieked. _I know I’ll be fine! I don’t want you to stay with me!_ His stomach churned with a sick mixture of guilt and fear, and his fingers began to shake around the cup. “I should never have left him like that,” he then said. “He was scared. I was too stupid and upset and overwhelmed to realize it, but he was really scared. I think he knew he was getting worse, maybe towards the danger zone.”

“Well you can’t do anything about that now,” Kuzuryuu told him. “Your presence wouldn’t have stopped him from getting worse anyway. All you can do now is be there for him as much as possible and let him know that you care.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, huh?” Hinata sighed. “It’s so much harder than it sounds, though.”

“Believe me, it’s a lot harder if you don’t,” Kuzuryuu said, his tone and expression sober. He rose to his feet, scratching at the back of his neck.

“Thanks, Kuzuryuu,” Hinata then said, looking up at him. “It means a lot. Really.”

Kuzuryuu paused, facing the opposite direction and jamming his hands into his pockets. “Anytime man,” he said.

 

~~~

 

Hinata took a deep breath as he stood in front of Komaeda’s door, clenching and unclenching his fists anxiously. It was the evening, and Tsumiki had just gone off to rest for a bit before Hinata and Kuzuryuu were forced to leave the hospital for the night, making certain that Komaeda was in at least a relatively stable condition first, of course. If Hinata was going to do this, it was now or never.

Hinata opened the door. The saturated orangey light of the sunset spilled in from the window and coated the entirety of the room, rendering the cold, harsh whiteness of the walls soft with sleepy sunlight. Cautiously Hinata crept over to the boy, trying not to make a sound, until he was right at his bedside. The orangey sunlight soaked into Komaeda as well, attempting to soften the harshness of his being, though the severity of his state made the feat difficult. No matter how hard the sunbeams tried to color his skin, it was still pale and waxy, his face gaunt. Dark shadows took refuge in the hollows of his cheeks, his collar bone, the soft spots under his eyes. His eyelids were drawn down, twitching every once in a while, shifting light lashes against the dark circles beneath them. His chin was slicked with saliva from his open mouth, his wet, sweaty hair sticking to his skin and his lips twitched as he took short, gasping breaths, his chest jolting lightly with each one at a shallow, uneven pace.

Hinata frowned softly down at the boy. Was he asleep? It was extremely difficult to tell – after all, in such a state as his, surely even in consciousness one would appear in a fitful slumber. Still, unwilling to back down after coming this far, Hinata gingerly sat himself down on the edge of the bed, just as he had done before. Komaeda showed no signs of noticing, and his blatant state of distress left dismay sitting in Hinata’s heart like stagnant water. He reached towards the boy’s head once more, tenderly petting his hair, careful not to disturb him.

The boy shifted slightly, blew a puff of air out his nose as he twisted just a bit, almost seeming to be leaning into Hinata’s touch. _Is he…awake?_ Hinata thought to himself. It was difficult to tell whether the movement had been a conscious one or not. “Komaeda?” he then spoke as softly as he could. “Can you hear me?”

Komaeda let out a deep sigh, this time out his mouth. Hinata supposed it could merely be coincidence, but instead he decided to take it as a cue to continue. Taking a deep breath himself and ignoring the sick, anxious twisting in his chest, he worked his fingers through Komaeda’s hair once more and prepared himself to speak.

“You don’t have to talk, don’t worry,” he spoke quietly, a voiced whisper. “You can just lay here and try to rest, and if I’m bothering you just give me a nudge or something, alright?” Here he sighed again, painfully aware of the fact that he had absolutely no idea how to go about any of this. “Alright,” he persisted anyway, knowing very well that if he didn’t do this now, he never would.

“I just wanna say some things to you, if that’s okay,” he started nervously. “First off, I wanna apologize for how I acted earlier today. I was overwhelmed by all the craziness of the fever, and even though I know you can’t help the lying, it was just getting to me a little. When I had a clearer mind I looked back on it, and I never should have left you alone. You were scared. You told me, too. You said you were scared and that you weren’t sure that you would be okay, and you wanted me to stay with you. And I know that now, and that’s why I’m here. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you alone when you felt that way. The worst thing to be when you’re scared is alone.”

Here Hinata hesitated a bit. Sure, all that needed to be said, but that wasn’t it, just barely scraped the surface. He needed to dig deep, get to the core. He thought of Kuzuryuu, of the tears he shed, of his regret over not having said something sooner, and his resolve strengthened.

“I’m just going to start this off by telling you that this is going to be really hard for me to say,” Hinata prefaced, gazing down softly at Komaeda’s features as he combed his fingers through his hair in slow, gentle motions. “I know I’m usually pretty straightforward, but when it comes to things like this I’ve always been not so great. You see, Komaeda, I…I _care_ about you. A lot. I really care about you.”

Here he paused again, his throat feeling tight, his brain buzzing with nervousness. He studied Komaeda’s face intently for any noticeable change, any twitch of the lip, anything to signal some sort of response, but he got nothing. Attempting to swallow his apprehension, he continued.

“I know it’s crazy,” he laughed a bit, but it was void of joy. “It really is. Even I don’t know how it happened, or when. But here I am, sitting here with you in front of me like this, and my chest feels really tight, and my throat does too, and it all just seems so unreal. Here you are, sick, in front of me…”

Hinata clenched his teeth, letting a hiss of air out through them. He took another deep breath, tried to calm himself down. “No,” he then said. “No, that’s not how I wanna say this. You made me feel so much better, you know Komaeda? Our first days on this island you showed me so much kindness, tried to give me support, showed me that smile of yours. Oh God, that smile. I remember you leaning over me on the beach when I first came to, and the moment you realized I was okay, that smile…

“…That’s not really what I’m trying to say either, though. What I’m trying to say is that I care about you. I wish I could explain better what I mean, but it’s hard. You make it hard. You make everything so, so hard. Because I know I’m not supposed to care for you. You betrayed me. You betrayed all of us, and I shouldn’t trust you, and I shouldn’t forgive you. And I don’t forgive you – I want to make that clear. I haven’t forgiven you, and I haven’t forgotten about any of that either. I don’t think I could ever forget. But that’s what makes this all so complicated.

“And I guess that’s just it,” Hinata said with a shaky breath, finally feeling that he was somehow getting closer to where he wanted to be. “This is all so complicated, so confusing. I’m so confused. I don’t know why I like being with you. I don’t know why I like talking with you, why I like it when you say things to me that I know you wouldn’t say in front of everybody else, why I like sitting on your bed and playing with your hair like I’m doing right now. I feel like I shouldn’t like those things, because you’re a bad person and you’ve done bad things, and maybe it makes me bad too, but I just can’t help it.”

Here he felt his eyeballs stinging, and he tried to sniff back the tears. “And I can’t help it because I know that’s not it either,” he continued, his voice wavering, almost sort of cracking. “Because I’ve seen through the little chinks in your armor, and you were right that day a while back, when we were eating together in the diner. The boy from before the first trial and the boy from after are the same boy after all, and I need to stop trying to pull them apart, trying to separate the good and the bad, desperately trying to rebuild what I thought I had, what I thought you were taking away from me. This is how you are. I don’t fully understand what that means, but I know it’s true. And I know that it confuses me, makes me feel conflicted, makes me wonder if I should care, why I would care, and…and…”

Hinata sucked in a sharp breath of air, squeezing his eyes shut, and big, fat, hot tears streaked down the sides of his face. “And you can’t leave me right now, Komaeda,” he managed to get out around the choked sobs. “It’s not fair. If you leave me now I’ll really hate you, because it’s not _fucking fair._ I still don’t know why I care. I still don’t know how I care. I don’t know if I should care, or if it’s okay to care, and if you leave me I’m never gonna know, but all I know is that right now I… _do_ care. I care _so much,_ so much more than I probably logically should or even know why. But if you leave me now I’ll always be confused, and I’ll always be conflicted, and I’ll never quite know just what I mean when I say that I… _loved you…”_

Hinata stared down at the white-haired boy with wide, shell-shocked eyes, tears still rolling down his cheeks, dripping from his chin, making the hospital bed’s sheets grow damp. “I…” he murmured, his lips barely moving. “…I love you…?” His eyes filled up once more, blurring his view of the sickly boy. He pressed his lips together hard, tried to bite back the tears, but they spilled over anyway. “Goddammit, I think I do,” he spat out in a strangled whisper, squeezing his eyes shut tight once more. He scrubbed at them with his free hand, and suddenly he felt like the hand in Komaeda’s hair wasn’t enough. He glanced down at the boy once more, tenderly grabbed the frail, bony white hand in his free one. He rubbed circles on it with his thumb, over the bumps of his knuckles and his tendons and the bluish veins snaking visibly about through his sickly translucent skin.

“If you leave me, I’ll never make sense of any of it,” Hinata whispered, pressing the hand against his lips, drinking in the feel of it despite its blistering hot temperature. “You’ll leave me confused and conflicted and I won’t know what to do, I won’t know how to handle it. You’ll leave me alone without any answers, without _you…”_

Hinata’s lips were quivering, and he pressed them together. It felt like everything had come out all clumsy and wrong, and yet he felt like he’d accomplished at least the basic structures of the ideas he was trying to get across. Even now he felt confused, disoriented. His mind was a mashed-up mess, but there really wasn’t a need to say anymore at the current time, and he knew it.

Still, it felt wrong to leave so soon, and so he did not. Hinata stayed perched at Komaeda’s bedside, one hand tracing circles on the back of Komaeda’s palm, the other combing softly through his hair. He watched the sun’s orangey light slowly fade along the horizon until the bedtime announcement came and he knew it was time to part. His hands felt cold after he retrieved them from the sick boy, and he turned to take one more glance at Komaeda just before closing the door.

 _He finally looks peaceful,_ he thought to himself, all the while wondering if this could be the last time he ever saw Komaeda Nagito alive again.

 

~~~

 

When Tsumiki came to tell Hinata that Komaeda’s condition had improved, he bolted to the hospital as fast as his legs would take him.

When he entered the room, Komaeda was out of bed, standing aimlessly in the middle of the room in his hospital gown. He was still sweaty and flushed and that grayish sort of pale that made him look almost dead, his hair more screwed up than usual, his eyes still hazy, looking almost confused. He looked up when Tsumiki and Hinata opened the door, squinting as he tried to focus his dreamy gaze.

“Komaeda-san,” Tsumiki started, “Hinata-san has come to visit you.”

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda mumbled messily, turning to face Hinata better.

“Oh my God,” Hinata barely breathed, his relief at seeing the boy standing there overwhelming as it washed throughout his body. He took a step closer. “He’s standing, on his own. He’s not in danger of dying anymore.”

“Yes, I spent all night with him,” Tsumiki replied. “In the middle of the night it was very scary, and I thought I might fail, but…” Tears filled Tsumiki’s eyes, began to spill over. “B-but he’s a little better now! Thank goodness!”

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda then murmured, grabbing his attention.

“Yeah?” Hinata said. “What is it?”

“Th-the Mioda twins,” he mumbled, wiping at some saliva as it began to dribble from the corner of his mouth, but not doing a very god job. “They’re…singing a canon. I can hear them. The Olsen Twins…”

Hinata simply stared at him a moment, his eyebrows scrunched together. He then looked to Tsumiki. “Are you sure he’s better?”

“Ah, w-well it’s not like he’s completely cured,” Tsumiki tried to explain. “He’s just not in danger of dying anymore.

“So he’s still a liar then, huh?” Hinata sighed.

“I’m not a liar, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted, starting to breathe a bit heavier once more. “It’s the Olsen twins. They’re behind the whole thing. Seventeen students…”

“I’m sorry if you were expecting something better,” Tsumiki whimpered ashamedly, and so Hinata looked back to her. “I know he’s not back to how you want him, but I’m just so happy he’s not in danger anymore…”

“Hey, it’s fine, Tsumiki,” Hinata tried to reassure her. “I mean yeah, I want everybody back to normal again, but this is no normal disease, and you’re doing a pretty good job handling it. Why don’t you get some rest? I don’t think you’ve really gotten much sleep this whole time.”

“Um, yeah, I guess I should maybe sleep,” Tsumiki agreed with a nod. “I guess I’ll go to the ward on the second floor. Goodnight everyone. Or, I guess it’s not nighttime yet…”

Hinata watched as she stumbled away, then turned back to Komaeda, who still looked to be quite out of it, though not nearly as bad as before. “Hinata-kun,” Komaeda then said. “I don’t like being alone with Hinata-kun. Makes me feel bad.”

“Yeah,” Hinata sighed, massaging at his temples. Sure, they’d made it through the danger zone, but just how much longer would this go on? What if he fell into the danger zone again? Was this ever going to end? “I know you feel better now, but you should probably get back in bed, don’t you think?” Hinata then said. “You know, rest up some more so you can shake off this fever entirely.”

“What a horrible idea,” Komaeda replied. “I’m not sick at all.”

“Okay, come on,” Hinata said, lightly taking the other boy by the arm and coaxing him towards the bed. Komaeda stumbled as he tried to climb onto the mattress, and Hinata caught him, steadied him. Komaeda’s hands gripped onto him tightly, shaking slightly, and Hinata helped hoist him up onto the bed himself. It occurred to him then, his fingers still lingering over the other boy’s body, that in the past two days he’d had more physical contact with Komaeda than he had collectively his entire time on the island prior. It was then that Komaeda’s words from before echoed in his mind, the ones from their question game the night he’d started to feel sick: _You’re not allowed to touch me._

 _I still don’t quite get it,_ he thought to himself as he grabbed Komaeda’s sheets and pulled them up for him. _I don’t get why he’d choose that rule above anything else. Why didn’t he want me to touch him? Was the thought of me touching him unpleasant for some reason? Intimidating, maybe?_

Hinata stared down at Komaeda with a frown. “Hey,” he then said. “Can I ask you something?”

“No,” Komaeda panted. “If I hear any more of your voice I’ll puke.”

“Okay,” Hinata said. “I just wanna ask you about the other day, when we were playing that question game. I just wanted to know why you didn’t want me touching you. It’s just I’ve been touching you a lot recently, and even if it’s because I’m helping you get better, if it’s making you uncomfortable…”

“Hinata-kun is disgusting,” Komaeda replied. “I don’t want gross Hinata-kun germs all over me. Probably how I got sick.”

“Good to know that’s not true, I guess,” Hinata murmured with a frown. “Why, though? If it’s not because you’re grossed out, then why didn’t you want it? Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“Ha, Hinata-kun is too dumb to comprehend the simplest parts of the simple mind of Komaeda Nagito,” Komaeda wheezed, rolling towards Hinata a bit in bed. “How stupid. How hopeless. Hinata-kun is too stupid to ever understand. That’s why I don’t have to try hard at all…”

Hinata squinted in suspicion. “You don’t have to try hard?” he mumbled. Even if he was only saying the opposite of what he meant, it was still difficult to decode. Still though, he felt that he was onto something here. “Okay, let’s see,” Hinata then said, mostly to himself. “So you’re saying I’m not stupid, right? And I guess also that this isn’t a…simple part of your mind? Maybe? I’m too stupid to understand, so you don’t have to try hard at all…” Hinata then furrowed his brow, tilting his head as he stared down at Komaeda. “I’m not too stupid to understand,” he then murmured. “I can figure it out, so you do have to try hard. Try hard…not to let me figure it out? Could that really be it?”

Komaeda’s lips pulled up at the corners nervously, his bottom eyelids twitching up, making him squint as he turned his head further into the pillow, a string of messy, wheezy laughs spilling out from his mouth, though it appeared he didn’t plan on giving an actual response. Still, Hinata leaned back a bit, staring down at him. _You’re hiding something from me,_ he thought to himself. _And it has to be related to the touching too, since he said it after I asked about that rule._ It was then that a certain thought passed through Hinata’s mind, made him freeze up with realization, his wide eyes still stuck on the sick boy.

_What if Komaeda is my admirer after all?_

His fingers curled into fists, all twisted up in the bedsheets, and he eventually opened his mouth to speak. “Komaeda,” he started, but he trailed off when his eyes fixed themselves on the pale boy’s head once again. His face was turned down into the pillow as he breathed heavily and unevenly once more, his gangly frame starting to quiver just a bit. Hinata felt his own posture soften, and he lightly grabbed Komaeda’s shoulder, prodding him up a little. “Hey,” he said quietly. “Don’t worry so much, Komaeda. Just calm down and get some rest and don’t think about it. We can try to talk about it some other time.”

Komaeda let out a heavy, weighty sigh as he rolled back onto his back, his eyes still shut. Hinata studied him silently for a moment, then glanced at the clock. “It’s almost time for Monokuma’s morning announcement,” he then said. “I gotta go. Souda and the others are gonna call us, so I have to be in the lobby, but I’ll be right back after that. Okay?”

“Don’t come back,” Komaeda murmured quietly. “I don’t like looking at your face.”

“Okay,” Hinata said, moving towards the door. “I’ll see you soon, Komaeda.”

 

~~~

 

The next time he saw Komaeda alone and with no demanding or overbearing distractions was after the third murder trial of the Field Trip of Mutual Killing, and now three more classmates had lost their lives. Everybody was making their way back to the cottages, each of them dragging their feet at their own paces, and it just so happened that Komaeda wasn’t too far ahead of him. Typically Komaeda was one of the first back to the cottages, because he was the only one who was never dragging his feet. But this time he was, the excessive amount of zippers from his shoes jangling as he drew them across the ground, his head low, eyes fixed on the sandy trail as it passed under his feet. The sight made Hinata feel somehow even more depressed than usual, made him want to step up beside him, make him stop dragging his feet. But nobody ever spoke to Komaeda after a murder trial, not even Hinata.

However, this time was different. This time Komaeda was finally not sick, finally not in danger of parting from this earth, and this time Komaeda was dragging his feet, too.

“Hey,” Hinata spoke cautiously as he caught up to the other boy, falling into stride beside him.

“Hello, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said softly, not removing his eyes from the ground passing by underneath them.

“You um, okay?”

“You shouldn’t waste your energy worrying about a piece of rotting garbage like me, Hinata-kun. You should be concentrating on overcoming this despair and cultivating your hope.”

“No,” Hinata said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing you would want to hear about,” Komaeda sighed. “I’ve already made my displeasure regarding this trial clear.”

Hinata suppressed a frown. “Oh,” he mumbled. “So that’s what this is about?”

“A murder in the name of not hope, but despair,” Komaeda murmured, dusty eyes never trailing from the ground. “Not only that, but three bright beacons of hope claimed by the shadow of despair all at once. I know that this is a stepping stone like all the others, but I can’t help feeling dissatisfied still. Please, don’t allow my black hole of negativity to taint you as well, Hinata-kun.”

“It’s okay to be sad that some of our classmates are dead,” Hinata said, hoping that this could be a teaching moment of sorts. “That’s normal, Komaeda. That’s how we all feel after every trial.”

“Do you think I’m unaware of that?” Komaeda said plainly, and the surprising hardness of the words shook Hinata a bit. “Do you think I’m not sad when we lose our classmates as well? I’ve told you before that it saddens me to see such light extinguished, but at least when it is a side effect of a blossoming hope I can still smile knowing that they’ve become a part of something beautiful.”

Hinata felt his fists clench, his eyebrows scrunch together in momentary anger at the reference to their dead friends being _side effects_ of hope, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. This was not the time to succumb to anger, and he was too tired for it, anyway. “Okay,” he sighed. “I guess. You just seem really down.”

“Sorry for failing to be cheerful every waking moment of our time together, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda muttered quietly, and once again the words were surprisingly bitter. “Even at such a simple act I’m too incompetent to do anything right.”

“Komaeda, are you sure nothing else is bothering you?” Hinata pressed, feeling that something was off.

“What else would be bothering me?” Komaeda turned the question around, and Hinata frowned.

“You’ve just been acting weird,” Hinata persisted. “I feel like you’ve been quieter than usual with the whole end of this trial.”

“It didn’t suit my tastes as well as the other ones,” Komaeda said bluntly. “I’m sure the next one will be as pleasing as the first two again.”

“Why the fuck would you say something like that?” Hinata spat, unable to keep his riled emotions bottled up this time. “Especially right now, when we’re literally walking away from—”

“You’re the one who chose to speak to me at this moment,” Komaeda pointed out calmly. “If you don’t want to talk about the trial then don’t.”

Hinata was silent for a bit, still annoyed, still feeling that there was something Komaeda wasn’t telling him. “I’m happy you’re okay,” he finally settled on, attempting to calm himself down.

“What an interesting thing to say after yelling at me for something you probably should have expected from a louse like me.”

“Komaeda, stop,” Hinata said, glaring at him. “I don’t know why you’re acting all snarky and unpleasant right now, but I’m trying to be sympathetic to whatever has you all grumpy. I’m trying to be nice, okay?”

“I’d much rather you be honest about your feelings than pretend to be nice for my sake, Hinata-kun.”

“I’m not pretending,” Hinata hissed, barely containing his exasperation. “Komaeda, did you hear anything I told you last night when we were alone in your hospital room? You know, you were doing really badly, and I was sitting with you, talking to you?”

Komaeda finally glanced over at him, tilting his head to the side. “Were you in my hospital room last night?”

Hinata could only gape at him for a moment, blinking in bewilderment. “Yes,” he finally said. “Yes, I was in your room.”

“At night?” Komaeda clarified. “Because I remember when you were there during the day, right when we got there, but then you left.”

Hinata frowned, still not over his guilt from earlier. “I’m sorry I left you then,” he said, glancing at the ground himself. “I knew that you were lying. I knew that you were telling me you didn’t want me to leave, but I still did. Sorry.”

“Oh,” Komaeda said, blinking over at him in surprise. “No need to be so apologetic, Hinata-kun. It was selfish of me to ask you to stay. I guess you could say that I wasn’t entirely in my right mind in that moment.”

“You said you were scared, though,” Hinata insisted softly. “You said you weren’t sure if you would be okay.”

Komaeda was silent for a bit. Hinata looked back over at him, and now he was the one looking down once more. “I wasn’t sure,” he confessed. “I’m not quite the healthiest. I’ve been in positions where the prognosis wasn’t good, and this time wasn’t much different. It was selfish of me, but I guess, in that moment, I just didn’t want to…”

_I just didn’t want to die alone._

Hinata was surprised when his mind filled in the words where Komaeda trailed off, and even more than that he was surprised that it actually felt like that was exactly what Komaeda was about to say. “Komaeda,” he murmured softly, some sort of awful feeling taking hold of his chest, crushing his ribcage with its grip.

“Don’t pity me, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted, finally taking up his characteristic smile, which Hinata knew without a shadow of a doubt in his mind was entirely forced. “Like I said, I’ve been through things like this before, so there’s no point in dwelling over any of it now. You had no obligation to stay by my side.”

“I did come back, though,” Hinata told him, and it seemed they were already almost back at the cottages. “I really did. I thought you were awake, but maybe you weren’t. You really don’t remember any of it?”

“I’m sorry Hinata-kun, but I really don’t remember,” Komaeda replied. “What did you say to me that you want me to know so badly?”

Hinata tensed reflexively, quickly averting his gaze and hoping it would be difficult to see the blush creeping across his face in the dim lighting. “Um, nothing,” he blurted out, but he knew immediately that that was wrong. “No, not nothing. It was something. Definitely. Something I still think you need to hear.”

“Oh,” Komaeda sounded. “Ah, what is it then?”

Hinata’s chest tightened, the blood pumping audibly past his ears, faster than usual. “Not right now,” he stammered out. “I’m sorry. I want to tell you, but right now…isn’t right. I promise I’ll tell you when it feels right.”

“Oh,” Komaeda murmured softly. “To hear Hinata-kun making a promise to the likes of me really is something unbelievable.”

“Well you better…believe it, I guess,” Hinata muttered, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his head. “You’re probably tired right now, anyway. I know you’re technically cured, but you have to be drained after going through all that.”

“I suppose I am rather tired,” Komaeda conceded, and he truly looked it. “If you think it’s best to wait, then I guess I would like to get to bed.”

“Yeah, I think that’s best,” Hinata agreed, and he slowed to a stop in front of Komaeda’s cottage. “You sure you’re really okay? Nothing else bothering you that you want to talk about?”

“Nothing at all,” Komaeda insisted, and it almost made Hinata unsure, made him wonder if perhaps he’d been imagining things in the first place and it really had just been the outcome of the trial that had displeased him.

“Okay,” Hinata said with a nod. “You get some good sleep then, okay? You’re gonna need to be all the way back up to your normal strength for tomorrow.”

“Oh, such a lofty demand!” Komaeda laughed a bit lightly. “But I suppose it’s not something I can easily turn down when it’s coming from Hinata-kun. I’m sorry I can’t remember what you said, though.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hinata insisted, though he did feel a dissatisfied shifting in his heart. He wasn’t confident he’d be able to articulate all that again in the way he did before. “Don’t stress yourself out thinking about it now when you could be sleeping.”

“…I really don’t remember, though,” Komaeda said, as if there was a need to convince him further. “I know it must be frustrating for you if it was apparently so important, and I know that you don’t always believe everything I say, but I really don’t remember, and I’m not lying this time.”

“Yeah, you don’t get to lie anymore,” Hinata said, smirking just a little bit. “You don’t have an excuse now that you’re better.”

“So you believe me, then?”

Hinata paused, staring into Komaeda’s dusty green eyes, really thinking it over.

“Yeah, I do.”

Komaeda smiled a small, even smile, and it was better than the fake one from earlier. “I guess I should go to bed then. Goodnight, Hinata-kun.”

“Goodnight.”

 

~~~

 

Komaeda pulled the door shut, and immediately he felt his shoulders slump, his entire body suddenly becoming incredibly heavy. He dragged his feet on the way over to his bed, then allowed himself to collapse in a heap on his mattress, heaving a deep sigh.

“Can’t even remember one thing right,” he breathed, a frown etched into his features as he screwed a finger into his matted hair, more knotted than usual from his time at the hospital. “Even when you’re not lying, you’re still unreliable.”

He let some time crawl past, staring up at his blank white ceiling. It was then that his feelings from the end of the trial began to sink back in, and his heart sunk deeper into the depths of his body.

 _Is it because you have nobody you love?_ The words echoed ominously, mockingly in his brain. _Is it because you’re not someone who gets forgiven by others?_

Komaeda’s fingers tightened into fists, and he bit his lip, wishing and wanting the bizarre pain to disappear, but it refused. _Why does it bother you so much?_ He demanded in his head. _Why should those words bother you?_ The words had been spoken by Tsumiki Mikan, a blind worker bee of despair, a mere flea in comparison to the awe-inspiring thing that was hope, so why was he letting it get to him? And even then, why did those words affect him so? His was not a life meant for love, for forgiveness. His life was meant to be thrown away. His life was meant to bring to realization the existence of something greater, greater than himself, greater than love, than forgiveness, than anything else.

_Is it because you have nobody you love?_

_No, you’re wrong._

_Is it because you’re not someone who gets forgiven by others?_

_Now that…_

The view of the ceiling grew blurry, stinging his eyes, and a strangled, whimpering sound broke off in his throat. Truly he was pathetic. The most pathetic creature to ever soil the earth with its presence. Perhaps Tsumiki’s statement had been both correct and incorrect all at once, but why did it matter to him? Why was it hurting? Why was it crushing him to so many pieces when it was nothing he hadn’t known all along? _That’s just the way things are,_ he kept telling himself again and again, praying that it would all just sink in.

_That’s just the way things are supposed to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to bring that line up in the notes at the beginning so it didn't seem totally out of place here in this chapter. I always find that line Tsumiki spoke to Komaeda along with his reaction to it to be extremely interesting, but at the same time I don't feel like people talk about it often? Even if you take it completely out of the context of komahina, I just can't help but think those two sentences got to him a bit. I mean it's not easy to shut him up like that, probably had to sting quite a bit. I sorta wish I'd explored it a little better here, but I didn't want to have Ko's pov until the end, and having a whole piece of the trial in here I think would be a little extraneous. Still, I think ignoring the line altogether would mean missing an opportunity to see how it messed with Komaeda's head, because I do think it ties into his actions during his free time events and that it must've left a lasting impression on him that I look forward to exploring even going into the next chapter. I hope it didn't seem too out of place at the end there.
> 
> Well, that's more than enough of a rant for this update! As always, thank you all so much for your support! It really means the world to me!! Unfortunately we're starting to come up to the last couple chapters of Bad Poetry, so it will have to come to an end at some point sort of soon. However, I already have plans in the works for another sdr2 fic starring these two losers that will be even longer than this one, so if you enjoy this then I would be beyond happy if you stay tuned to the things I post on here in the future! I love you all so much, and feedback of any sort is always much, much appreciated!! Thank you!!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you haven't forgotten about me completely! I just want to start off by saying that I am so incredibly sorry for keeping you all waiting this long!!!!! Life kinda hit me like a bus recently, so I had to work through a lot of personal issues, but that's no excuse for keeping you waiting this long. I tried writing pretty soon after I'd straightened up most of the personal issues, but it ended up being pretty terrible, and I actually had to start the chapter over entirely and scrap what I had of it. Still, like I said, I fully plan to see this fic through to the end, so I hope you didn't lose faith in me!
> 
> To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure about how this chapter turned out?? Maybe I'll look over it again at some point in the future to see how I feel about it then. I think I just feel a little nervous about some of the more, uh, romantic (I guess?) scenes here, since I'm not a super romantic person irl, but hopefully it's good enough for you all to enjoy. As I'm a little unsure about this one, feedback is welcome more than ever (and feel free to yell at me for being so late with this chapter while you're at it)!!! Once again I am so so so so SO sorry for making you all wait so long, but your support really means the world to me and I hope you guys enjoy this still!
> 
> (Just as a side note, things do get a little steamy (?? who uses that word?) towards the end of the chapter. It's nothing explicit, but just thought I should give the heads up since there hasn't been much of that in this fic so far. I hope you enjoy it!)

Komaeda frowned down at his notebook as he drew a big X over the entire page, sitting cross-legged on his bed. “Nothing is good enough,” he sighed, tenderly picking up the last letter he received from Hinata-kun from beside him, letting his eyes skim over his words, his handwriting. It had been much too long since he’d sent a letter back, and he knew that this long interval may have contributed to Hinata-kun guessing that he’d been the one behind the letters this whole time.

Komaeda sighed. How was he even supposed to handle such a predicament? Hinata-kun had been so kind in his last letter, as if he were beginning to grow quite fond of his secret admirer, and yet at the same time he seemed to be dangerously fond of Komaeda himself. It was confusing, concerning. Komaeda didn’t know what to make of it, except that perhaps he was missing some very large puzzle pieces when it came to understanding why Hinata-kun was acting the way he was towards him. He entertained the idea that perhaps, since Hinata-kun had guessed that Komaeda was the one writing the letters, he had somehow overlapped what he thought of his admirer with what he thought of Komaeda, effectively confusing the feelings with each other and mixing them up, producing this jumbled-up mess that Komaeda couldn’t seem to wrap his head around.

“Hm, but what a problem that would be,” he muttered to himself. “But, I told Hinata-kun that I wasn’t his admirer, so there still might be a chance that I can untangle those feelings. I just have to write a good, convincing letter and somehow redirect those feelings back in the direction they should be focused in. I can figure out what I’ll end up doing about writing the letters in the future.”

Still, he felt somewhat dissatisfied staring down at the letter in his hand. He heard Tsumiki in his head once again, an occurrence that had been happening more than he’d like to admit since the end of the third trial the night before. _Is it because you have nobody you love?_ she inquired softly. _Is it because you’re not someone who gets forgiven by others?_

Rather than lashing out at the voice with his own thoughts, Komaeda sat back a bit, staring up at the ceiling and wondering just what it would feel like to love and be loved, to be forgiven. He immediately decided it wasn’t something he liked thinking about when his chest felt heavy, as if there were anvils anchored to his ribcage, weighing it down, making it harder to breathe. He hated himself for being such a weak person, for allowing himself to be moved so easily by such fantasies. For that’s just what they were – fantasies.

It was then that a knock came at his door, interrupting his heavy thoughts. He glanced at the door, a bit perplexed, especially when the Monokuma morning announcement had yet to be displayed on the monitors. He wasn’t yet dressed for the day, in only his t-shirt and boxers, but still he rose to his feet, gathering the notebook and letters and shoving them into his nightstand drawer before making his way over to the door and yanking it open, careful to keep most of his unclothed body hidden behind the door itself.

“Ah, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda said, his eyebrows raising in genuine surprise. “What are you doing here at such a time?”

“It’s not that early, you know,” Hinata-kun replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. “The Monokuma announcement will probably happen in ten minutes or so. I just thought it’d be nice to get a head start on our day before there are any people to intercept us in the morning. You haven’t forgotten about your punishment day, have you?”

“Oh,” Komaeda sounded, his mouth forming a little ‘o’ as he recalled. “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun, please just allow me to get dressed and then I’ll cater to your every desire for the rest of the day.”

Hinata-kun raised an eyebrow. “You look dressed to me. What, you need your jacket?”

Komaeda smiled blankly. “Ah, I’m not actually wearing any pants…” Hinata-kun simply stared at him for a second, his expression unreadable. “I-I just got out of bed,” Komaeda then tried to explain. “I assure you, it wasn’t anything—”

“You know, I don’t care,” Hinata-kun sighed. “Just put your pants on so we can go.”

“Right,” Komaeda chimed, disappearing back into his cottage to fully clothe himself for the day. He yanked his pants on quickly, grabbing his parka and stepping back outside immediately as he stuck one of his arms through the sleeve. “So what are we doing first, Hinata-kun?” he inquired, shutting the door behind him.

“Just getting breakfast, I figured,” Hinata-kun replied, starting off towards the hotel restaurant, and Komaeda scampered after him. “We can just grab some food and then eat outside or something, that way we don’t have to really see the others.”

“Do you not want to see the others, then?” Komaeda inquired, his voice croaking hoarsely from sleep.

“I just don’t want to be interrogated,” Hinata-kun explained as he opened the door to the hotel, holding it open for when Komaeda reached it as well. “Nanami, Kuzuryuu, and Souda will understand well enough, and some of the others like Sonia might not make a big deal of it, but I don’t really want to deal with the others freaking out and blowing it out of proportion.”

“So it’s because of my presence, is that right?” Komaeda pointed out as they climbed the stairs. “The others would disapprove of you spending time with me.”

Hinata-kun was silent for a moment as they made their way over to the food, as if thinking of the right words. “I wish I could tell you I don’t care what they think, but that’s not really true,” he eventually said. “I don’t really want them to lose trust in me, and that might happen if they catch on too much. Still, I don’t like being secretive. That’s not really my style, and I’d prefer if I could make them understand my perspective a bit more so they could still trust me.”

“You say that as if there’s something you’re hiding,” Komaeda laughed a bit. “There’s really nothing illicit in forcing me to go through a punishment as a result of a bargain from earlier though, is there?”

“If that’s really all they see this is,” Hinata-kun sighed. “I don’t know, like I said, it all boils down to whether or not I can get them to understand where I’m coming from.”

“Making oneself understood is no easy task, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda replied almost serenely, glancing out the window at the rolling waves in the distance. “I think it’s rarely if ever that people fully understand anything about each other. That’s where loneliness comes from, isn’t it? And isn’t it loneliness that you’re afraid of? Rejection?”

“Let’s not talk about this right now,” Hinata-kun declared, taking his loaded plate of food in hand. “Hurry and get your food now, won’t you? We don’t have much—”

_Ding dong ding dong_

“Good morning, you bastards!” shrieked the high-pitched voice over the omnipresent speakers, accompanied by the image of the black and white bear on the monitors around them. “It’s another perfect tropical day! Let’s enjoy it for all it’s worth!”

“Yeah, we really don’t have much time,” Hinata grumbled with a frown as the image flickered away. “I knew I should’ve gotten you earlier. It’s you, after all. Just get some food already.”

“Alright,” Komaeda said, obediently taking a plate in hand and placing a couple slices of toast on top. He grabbed a glass of water from the table as well, then turned back around to face Hinata-kun. “Okay, I’m ready,” he announced.

Hinata cocked an eyebrow, seemingly exasperated. “You barely have anything,” he said. “There’s no way that’s enough for you. You’re like my height.”

“I’m really not all that hungry,” Komaeda insisted with a smile. “We can get going now if you want.”

“No, you’re being ridiculous,” Hinata-kun persisted. “You have bread and water. There’s like, zero nutrients in that.”

“Well, the toast does have butter on it.”

Hinata-kun rolled his eyes. “You had to pick water, though? Why not something a little more nutritious?” Here he gestured to his own glass of orange juice. “Something that’ll at least give you some sustenance?”

“You’re really rather adamant when it comes to your morning time nourishment, aren’t you Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said. “If it’s what you want, then I suppose I have no choice but to take some more food though, isn’t that right?”

“Hinata, good morning!” came a sudden, bellowing voice, and Hinata went rigid. His wide eyes flickered over to the doorway, and he mumbled some sort of profanity under his breath.

“Nidai. Ah, good morning,” he said, then lowered his voice for just Komaeda to hear. “We’re out of time. Let’s just get out. You can have some of my food.”

“But Hinata-kun,” Komaeda objected quietly, “then you won’t have enough nutrients for the day. A healthy young man like yourself surely should not be deprived of nutrition, especially while still growing.”

“Do not call me a healthy young man,” Hinata hissed, seeming somehow embarrassed. “Especially not one that’s ‘still growing.’ It makes you sounds like some old lady.”

“Oh, speaking with Komaeda, I see,” Nidai commented as he grew closer, obviously trying hard to veil his discomfort with a genial grin. “Is everything alright? You seem flustered. If you need me to—”

“It’s fine, not flustered at all,” Hinata-kun declared just a bit too loudly to sound assuring, Komaeda thought, but he was thrown off by the feeling of Hinata-kun’s hand on his back, pressing him forward. “I was actually just about to escort Komaeda out of the restaurant. He’s been a, um—a bad boy.”

Nidai cocked an eyebrow, and Komaeda’s eyes widened immediately, a slight heat stirring in his cheeks. “A…a bad—”

“Shut up, not a word,” Hinata-kun hissed in apparent mortification at having let such a thing spill from his mouth, shoving Komaeda harder towards the door. “Walk, Komaeda.”

Komaeda did as he was told – after all, that was his job for the day – and before long the two reached the outside air once more. Hinata-kun quickly ushered him away from the hotel and in the direction of the old lodge, and once again Komaeda obeyed, until they were standing just outside the door, alert to anymore passersby that might have a chance to spot them.

“Let’s eat in here,” Hinata said, yanking open the door. “That okay?”

“Um,” Komaeda hummed a bit nervously, glancing around Hinata and into the dim hallway. “Yes, that’s okay.”

Hinata furrowed his brow. “Doesn’t sound okay.”

“It’s fine,” Komaeda insisted, offering a smile this time as he mentally pushed away his negative associations with the place. “It really is. Come to think of it, last time we were in there together you refused to feed me, and now this time you intend to do just that! Not that you’ll be feeding me by hand of course, but the thought still strikes me as a bit comical, at least.”

Hinata frowned, studying the other boy for a moment. “Never mind, we won’t eat in there,” he said, shutting the door. “Let’s just sit down here then, I guess. The bushes will hide us for the most part.”

“If you say so,” Komaeda replied as he knelt down besides Hinata-kun, trying not to sound too relieved. It would have been fine should Hinata-kun have decided to eat inside the lodge, but it was only natural that it wasn’t the most pleasant place to dine in Komaeda’s eyes. He remembered the feeling of his hands bound together, chaffed wrists, no lights on for a couple nights straight. Still, he couldn’t help but think he deserved to be subjected to the building once more, especially regarding how clumsily he was handling this whole admirer situation, but he decided not to dissent much to Hinata-kun’s wishes. It was his job to be obedient for the day.

“Here, take some of my food,” Hinata-kun interjected, cutting through Komaeda’s internal ruminations. He held his plate out to Komaeda.

“Ah, how about we wait until I’m finished with what I have?” Komaeda suggested. “I’ll eat my toast, and then I’ll only take as much as I need.”

Hinata-kun studied him with a frown, then rolled his eyes and took his fork in hand. “You really are a piece of work, you know that?”

Komaeda laughed a bit, picking up one of his pieces of toast. “So I’ve come to realize. I do hope I’m not too much of an annoyance though, especially when I’m supposed to listen to you today and I already caused you so much trouble while I was sick.”

“If you’re coming to realize you’re such a piece of work, why haven’t you done anything to change it?” Hinata murmured sarcastically as he shoved a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

Komaeda laughed again, picking at the crust of his toast. “That could be turned around to you as well, though. If I’m such a piece of work, why do you do things like play question games with me, or watch over me at the hospital?” Some of the bubbly feeling from mere moments ago began to dissipate in his stomach, and he was left feeling rather heavy. “Why is it you’d choose a punishment for me in which you have to deal with me all day?”

“You’re not trying to get out of your punishment, are you?” Hinata-kun said around his mouthful of food. “’Cause I won’t stand for that, you know. I won fair and square.”

“I suppose that is true,” Komaeda hummed softly, placing his toast back on the plate. He really didn’t feel much up to eating it.

A short silence passed between them, and after a bit Hinata-kun looked up. “You know,” he started with a bit of a smirk, “these egg are _really_ good.”

Komaeda smiled over at him, though his brow was furrowed in slight puzzlement. “Are they?”

“Yeah, like, really good,” Hinata-kun repeated, his assured-looking smirk still in place. “The bacon too. Just delicious. You should really have some.”

Komaeda couldn’t help his smile from growing a bit wider. “But I haven’t finished my toast yet, Hinata-kun,” he insisted. “Plus, I don’t have a fork. Would you want me to grab your eggs with my bare hands like some sort of barbarian?”

“Well Komaeda, you see,” Hinata began, “I _do_ have a fork. And it happens to be in my hand right now.” Hinata-kun stabbed some eggs onto his fork, then held it up as a display.

Komaeda raised his eyebrows. “Wow, would you look at that.”

“And if you’d be so obedient as to open your mouth,” Hinata-kun started, putting emphasis on the obedience part, “you may just get a chance to taste these eggs without the need of a fork for yourself.”

Komaeda blinked over at him for a moment. “So you’re…going to feed me?”

Hinata’s eyebrows scrunched together, quickly turning his charming grin into a look of exasperation. “N-no,” he insisted, his face growing a bit red. “Shut up and just open your goddamn mouth, Komaeda. I don’t know why you gotta make everything so weird.”

“But technically, if all I’m doing is opening my mouth, then—”

“I said open your goddamn mouth!”

“Yes, my master,” Komaeda finally agreed, closing his eyes and doing as he was told. It took a moment (hesitation, perhaps?), but eventually some foreign body entered his mouth, and when he closed his lips around it he did in fact taste the flavor of eggs. However, it wasn’t long before things turned a bit unfortunate, as they often tended to in Komaeda’s experience.

“Uh,” came somebody’s voice, definitely not coming from either of the two of them. Komaeda opened his eyes, and none other than Owari Akane was standing before them, a look of borderline repulsion upon her features. “What exactly am I lookin’ at here?”

“Owari,” Hinata-kun mumbled, his face turning red, “I know this might seem kinda strange, but—”

“Hinata-kun is simply treating me like the garbage I am,” Komaeda interjected. “Obviously I’m too subhuman to be able to feed myself, of course. After this he was planning on rubbing the food into the ground and making me eat it up like a dog.”

Owari simply stared at the two of them, her repulsion unwavering. If anything, it seemed to grow stronger. “That’s…kinda fucked up. Like, not that I care what you do to him Hinata, but that’s a little…”

“Oh, it was my idea of course,” Komaeda claimed with a smile. “You see, it’s only through interactions like these that I’m able to have contact with people like you.”

This time Owari looked straight to Hinata-kun. “So is this you fulfilling some weird sexual fantasy of his, or…?”

“No,” Hinata-kun insisted quickly, seeming incredibly uncomfortable. “God no, that’s not it at all.”

“Okay, well are you comin’ to the new island or not?”

“New island?” Hinata-kun asked.

“Yeah, you know, the new islands we can go to after each trial?” Owari pointed out, already turning to leave. “Just get your ass down there to help us look for a way out of here, okay?”

She left in a haste, perhaps in a hurry to leave the bizarre scene behind her. Hinata-kun sighed as she went, running a hand through his hair. “That went horribly,” he groaned.

“I’m sorry, I assumed it would be natural for most people to want to make me eat off the ground like a dog,” Komaeda replied. “I hope I didn’t make things too much worse.”

“Whatever,” Hinata-kun sighed. “Eat some more of these eggs before we go though, okay? I’m worried you didn’t eat enough, especially since you’re recovering from an illness.”

“I’m still not very hungry though,” Komaeda tried to object.

“Yeah, but I’m in charge today, remember?” Hinata-kun countered. “Just a couple more bites will do, and drink some of the orange juice while you’re at it. After that we can head over.”

Komaeda tilted his head to the side. “Together?” he inquired. “We’ll be investigating the new island, correct?”

“Yeah,” Hinata-kun said, climbing to his feet. “I guess it’ll sorta be like the beginning, the two of us investigating together.”

Komaeda watched Hinata-kun’s somber profile as he gazed up at the sky, and then he himself looked down at the plate of food. _I really am letting myself be too relaxed around him,_ he thought as he reluctantly skewed another clump of eggs. _It’s much too easy for me to get lost in my fancies, but he really does make it difficult for me._

_I wonder if maybe one day, when I’m long gone from this earth, he’ll finally be able to forgive me._

 

 

~~~

 

 

“An amusement park?”

“It appears to be so.”

Hinata glanced over at Komaeda as he stared down at the park from their vantage point on a hill. The slight breeze shifted his cloud of hair softly, and then he turned to make eye contact. “Um, I guess we can just go and start our investigation then,” Hinata said.

Komaeda nodded, starting down the hill. “Sounds good,” he replied, and Hinata quickly followed after him. “An amusement park, huh? Maybe it will be fun.”

“Um, I guess it could be,” Hinata mumbled. “It’s an amusement park on this murder island though, so I’m not getting my hopes up too much.”

“Still, an amusement park is an amusement park,” Komaeda offered. “I’ve only ever been to one once before, you know?”

“What? Really?” Hinata asked. “Only once?”

“Yeah, when I was little and my parents were still alive they took me,” Komaeda said casually, taking in the sights. “I don’t remember it too well though.”

_When his parents were still alive?_ “Well maybe this is a good thing then,” Hinata said, looking over at Komaeda. “We can explore together and do all the things you didn’t really get to do.”

“If that’s really what you want to do with your time, then I won’t argue,” Komaeda laughed a bit. “If I may share my opinion though, I do think we should still keep alert for any peculiar things this new island might be hiding. It’s my punishment day and you can have fun with it still, but I don’t think that we should be slacking off in terms of investigating.”

“Of course,” Hinata said with a nod. “I don’t see why we can’t have fun and investigate at the same time though.”

“Well in that case, where would you like to start?” Komaeda inquired. “It’s all up to you, after all.”

“Hm,” Hinata hummed, surveying the park in search for ideas. “Uh, the rollercoaster looks pretty good, actually. How would you feel about that?”

“Oh,” Komaeda sounded, his lips forming a straight line as he glanced up at the rollercoaster. “Ah, well does it really matter what my feelings are? Like we’ve established, it’s all up to you.”

“Um, well you’re allowed to make appeals,” Hinata said. “Like, if you really don’t wanna do something you can make an appeal, and then I’ll determine if we end up doing it or not. How’s that sound?”

“Good, I guess,” Komaeda said. “Am I allowed to make an appeal then?”

“Go for it.”

“Okay, well it’s not that all rollercoasters are inherently dangerous and you should be afraid to ride them all,” Komaeda started, “but they are probably the riskiest rides in amusement parks, and if you were to get on the riskiest ride in the amusement park with me in the seat next to you…”

“Okay, I see what you mean,” Hinata sighed. “No rollercoasters, then.”

“I’m sorry,” Komaeda said. “I wasn’t saying that we shouldn’t go, but if you wanted a bit of a reminder before taking your life in your hands—”

“No, you’re right, we shouldn’t ride it,” Hinata said. “What do you think, then? Which rides do you like?”

“Well it’s not really my place to say,” Komaeda pointed out, tilting his head a bit to the side. “After all, you’re supposed to be the one telling me what to do.”

“Yeah, and I’m telling you to tell me which rides you like,” Hinata insisted, crossing his arms. “So spill it.”

“Aha, if you say so,” Komaeda replied. “Huh, well if I had to pick I might have to go with the merry-go-round.”

Hinata raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Oh, it’s stupid, I know!” Komaeda laughed. “How childish and boring! Ah, but it’s one of the safer rides, and I remember vaguely when I was at the amusement park with my parents and we rode one together.”

Hinata studied him, the way his laughter softened into something weak, with a crumbly foundation. “Stupid’s not the word I would pick. Childish? Maybe a little, but hey, that never hurt anybody. Off to the merry-go-round we go then.”

“Really, only if you’re okay with it,” Komaeda tried to get in, but Hinata was already leading the way. They stopped at a few places along the way, checking things out, searching for clues, but nothing really struck them as abnormal. Eventually they made it to the place they were trying to find, and Hinata turned to face Komaeda.

“Well then,” he announced with a smirk, gesturing to the ride. “I believe it’s time to pick your stallion.”

Komaeda smiled as well. “As my master for the day,” he began, “I think it’s only fitting for you to choose my stallion, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata rolled his eyes, then turned to the carousel. There were plenty of spots to choose from, and he didn’t really think that any of them seemed any better than the others. “Uh, how about this one?” he eventually settled on, patting the head of a brown horse with a cream-colored mane.

“Oh?” Komaeda said. “Is it because it looks like you, Hinata-kun?”

“What?” Hinata spat, looking back at the horse. “Why, because it’s brown? Is that really all you’re going off of here?”

“I mean, it looks pretty grumpy, too,” Komaeda added, pointing at the horse’s face. “See? He does look like you.”

Hinata looked down at the horse’s face, which appeared to be twisted down in an expression of mild annoyance. Truth be told, there really wasn’t much room for argument there. “Fine, you get the Hajime Horse,” he finally sighed, looking around for other prospects and grinning once he found a suitable one. “Here – and I’ll get the Komaeda Horse.”

“Huh?” Komaeda said as he grabbed the Hajime Horse’s pole. “Oh, because it’s all white?”

“Yeah, exactly,” Hinata declared, placing his foot on the stirrup and hopping onto the saddle. “And look how long its mane is.”

“So you’d liken me to a beautiful white stallion?” Komaeda gasped. “I’m flattered, Hinata-kun, so much so that I think you may need to reevaluate your comparisons.”

“Just shut up and get on the horse,” Hinata ordered, grabbing hold of the pole in the middle.

“Fine, fine. I’ll do as I’m told and just ride Hinata-kun, then.”

“You—” Hinata clamped his mouth shut, going red. There was no way that was an accident of unfortunate phrasing – but then again, this was Komaeda. He tried to search the other boy’s expression for some sort of clue, but he’d already turned the other way, swinging his leg up to get on his horse. Hinata frowned. “How are we even going to get this thing to start moving any—”

The moment Komaeda lowered himself to a sitting position, the ride lurched forward on its own, nearly throwing the poor kid from his horse. Hinata too felt a dreadful loss of balance, but he’d been in a more advantageous position to begin with. “Komaeda!” he called out from two horses behind him. “You okay?”

“Ahahahaha, I’m fine!” Komaeda called back, pulling himself back into a proper position and beaming a smile over his shoulder, eyes closed, lips wide, showcasing all his teeth. Hinata watched him laugh to himself a bit more as he turned to face forwards again, long, bony fingers wrapping around the metal pole, and he couldn’t help but smile softly to himself. _This is the Komaeda I like to see,_ he thought as the carnival music drifted into his ears, but soon he felt his shoulders slumping down a bit. This Komaeda? Wasn’t this Komaeda the same as all the others, just being happy as opposed to snarky, or upset, or acting like he’s out of his goddamn mind? There was no such thing as “this Komaeda.” There was only Komaeda, and that was something Hinata just needed to buckle down and accept already.

Eventually the ride slowed to a stop, and Hinata watched as Komaeda climbed off the brown horse and scampered back over to where he was. “Hinata-kun, that was fun,” he said, dusty eyes big and bright.

Hinata couldn’t help but smile a little as he got off his stallion. “I’m glad you thought so,” he said. “I should’ve guessed the kiddie rides would be your favorite. I am a little surprised you’re not more of a thrill seeker though.”

“Oh, but we should do something you like better too then,” Komaeda then said. “I’m sorry about the rollercoaster, but I’m sure there are other more intense rides we can find.”

“It’s really fine,” Hinata tried to tell him, but he was already wandering off, glancing around at all the different rides they passed.

“Hmm, it’s hard to find a balance between safety and thrill,” Komaeda murmured as Hinata caught up.

“You do realize that amusement parks are relatively safe, right?” Hinata tried to explain. “I know you’re nervous, but there’s only ever things like freak accidents.”

“And if you know who you’re riding with, you know that the time we go on together is when it will have a freak accident,” Komaeda said, then halted. “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s my appeal, but it’s still up for you to decide.”

“I don’t want to ride anything that makes you uncomfortable,” Hinata insisted, slowing to a stop beside him. “I want you to have fun too, but damn, you really are hard to—”

“Ah, what about that?” Komaeda suggested, pointing somewhere behind Hinata. Hinata turned his head, realizing just what the other boy was pointing at.

“A haunted house?” he questioned. “How will that work if there are no people there?”

“I don’t know, maybe there are animatronics?” Komaeda pondered. “We could check it out if you want, though. Maybe it will be a little scary.”

“Fine, let’s go check it out,” Hinata sighed. “But I’m letting you know right now that if we see Monokuma in there I will run and leave you behind.”

Komaeda laughed, flashing that warm smile he always seemed able to muster up. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

And so they entered the haunted house as a cheesy horror soundtrack filtered into their ears. They started down a dark hallway for a bit, black lights illuminating cobwebs with eerie purple light, followed by more black lights, and more purple cobwebs. After a bit more redundant nothingness, Hinata glanced over at Komaeda, who seemed unfazed. The white strands of his messy hair caught the purple light at interesting angles, and in the dim hallway he looked almost like a ghost himself.

“Uh, I think there’s a problem,” Hinata finally spoke up.

“Huh? What is it?” Komaeda inquired.

“Nothing’s happening,” Hinata sighed. “Maybe there were supposed to be actors or something, but they’re not here anymore.”

“Well maybe there are still scary things in other parts of the haunted house,” Komaeda offered. “I mean, we haven’t been walking for very long.”

“I know,” Hinata continued, “I just think— holy _shit!”_

“Hahahahahaha!” Komaeda laughed, his wheezy voice scraping through his throat in a chilling way that really added to the overall atmosphere. He grinned up at the Monokuma cut-out that had sprung towards them, trying to catch his breath. “I thought you said you would run and leave me behind if you saw him, Hinata-kun! Huh – wait, are you actually scared?”

“Fucking bullshit,” Hinata grumbled, dusting himself off and trying to calm the racing of his heart. Komaeda stared at him, shocked for a moment before his lips split into a wide grin.

“You were scared, Hinata-kun!”

“I said bullshit!” Hinata hissed. “Like hell I was scared.”

“Just startled, then?” Komaeda chuckled, covering his grin with his fingers. “I’m sure it just caught you off guard, right?”

“Oh shut up,” Hinata snapped, swatting at him as he laughed. “Yeah, I was just caught off guard, and next time I’ll—”

_“Roar!”_ shrieked another Monokuma, swooping in towards them.

“Fuck!” Hinata ducked, turning away from the cut-out and knocking his forehead directly into Komaeda’s.

“Haha— _oof!”_ Komaeda cried, grabbing his head and rubbing at the injured spot. “Ah, you really showed him this time, Hinata-kun!”

“I thought I told you to shut up; you’re supposed to be listening to me today, aren’t you?” Hinata practically growled, rubbing at his own head. “Let’s just get out of here quickly, okay? If all this place has is cut-outs of Monokuma then I’m already sick of it.”

“Hey, it’s okay if you’re scared, you know?”

“Huh?” Hinata looked up, frowning when he locked eyes with the other boy, a serene, helpful smile spread calmly across his face.

“We all get scared about different things, right?” Komaeda continued. “You can use me as a human shield, that way the plastic Monokumas will eat me instead.”

“Oh shut up,” Hinata said, but there was much less fire behind it. “Fine, I’ll keep your offer to become my human shield in mind. Let’s just get out of here, alright?”

Komaeda’s smile grew wider. “Alright.”

There were only a couple more pop-ups scattered in the hallways, a quantity that Hinata proved capable of handling, although he was embarrassed to notice that at some point along the way he’d hooked an arm around one of Komaeda’s, holding him close. While trekking through the corridors he tried not to pay it any mind (how could he really focus on it with all those goddamn Monokumas coming at him anyway?), but when they reached the end of the hall it felt almost like an itch he was forbidden to scratch.

“A mirror maze?” Komaeda murmured. “A spooky one, I guess. They still have the black lights and cobwebs, but I doubt there will be any animatronics here.”

“Wanna race?” Hinata blurted out, wanting nothing more than to regain both his arm and his dignity.

“Race?” Komaeda sounded, and Hinata almost regretted it when Komaeda turned his head to face him, their faces in close proximity.

“Uh, yeah,” he stammered. _Goddammit, just keep your cool, Hajime. You’re the one who should be acting confident here._ “We each choose a direction and see who gets out first.”

“You won’t be scared, will you?” Komaeda inquired, and Hinata’s shoulders slumped in exasperation.

“Of course not,” he groaned. “And I wasn’t scared, just startled. I’ll be fine here with no cheap robotic stuff flying at me.”

“Okay then, we can race,” Komaeda said with a smile, and Hinata immediately took the opportunity to retrieve his hand.

“Okay, then you go left and I’ll go right,” Hinata said. “Go!”

Hinata rushed off, keeping his hands in front of him as not to run straight into a mirror. His mind wandered as he searched for a way out, wandered to Komaeda’s smile on the merry-go-round, the feeling of his arm pressed against Hinata’s chest mere moments ago, and _We all get scared about different things, right?_

_He’s been in high spirits today,_ Hinata thought to himself. He idly wondered if the boy could possibly be acting so pleasant in an attempt to please him for his punishment day, since he knew that was what Hinata wanted, though he wasn’t quite sure. It wasn’t as if that had nothing to do with his particularly good behavior, but at least to Hinata it seemed like there was something else, like he wasn’t being held back, wasn’t holding himself back.

_You need to talk to him, Hajime,_ he thought, squeezing his hands into fists and recalling everything he’d said next to Komaeda’s bed in the hospital. _You’ve admitted it to yourself, but he needs to hear it too. This might be the best chance you get._

After a bit more wandering, he eventually heard the sound of labored breathing. He struggled a bit in an attempt to find it with the mirrors obscuring the way, but eventually he peeked around the corner and found the ghostly person he’d been searching for.

Komaeda was standing with his forearm against one of the mirrors, taking some time to catch his breath. He seemed strangely contemplative as well, staring down at the ground with an unreadable yet pensive expression upon his features. Eventually he looked up, leaned in a bit, and his own face was reflected back at him from three different angles. He was still for a moment, staring into his own dusty eyes, lips slightly parted, and he seemed somehow troubled.

“You lost?” Hinata decided to call out softly, stepping out from around the corner. “You of all people should know not to give up hope.”

Komaeda turned quickly, his eyes locking onto Hinata’s. “Hinata-kun,” he whispered. “Not lost, just enjoying the scenic route, I suppose.”

Hinata came closer, struggling to shove his screaming adrenaline down somewhere where it couldn’t bother him, as he came up next to Komaeda and looked over his shoulder into the same spot with the three mirrors.

“Hey, look at us,” he started nervously. “All six of us.”

Komaeda allowed himself to smile a bit, looking back into the mirrors himself. “There we are.”

“You still seem lost,” Hinata continued. “A little troubled.”

“I’m sure I’ll find the way.”

“You don’t seem so sure.”

Komaeda lowered his eyelids down halfway, glancing into the mirror on the right. “My luck always clears a path for me. You don’t seem so sure either, though.”

“I don’t have luck like you, so I always have to clear my own paths,” Hinata sighed. “But you know what I see right now?”

Komaeda looked back to the center mirror. “What do you see?”

Hesitantly, Hinata placed a hand on Komaeda’s wrist resting at his side. The other boy flinched, but didn’t move. “Right in the middle, that’s me and you,” Hinata told him, nodding towards to center. “That’s us right now, in this stupid fucking haunted house with stupid Monokuma cut-outs that make me scream like a little kid, right?”

Komaeda cracked a little bit of a smile. “Okay,” he said. “I got it. That’s us now.”

“Exactly,” Hinata said. He took a deep breath, deliberated a bit, and then cautiously wrapped his other arm around Komaeda’s waist. Komaeda’s shoulders raised a bit in tension, but he didn’t flinch this time. “Now you see the one on the left?”

Komaeda nodded as he shifted his gaze. “Yeah.”

“That’s us the very first time we saw each other.” Hinata’s mouth was starting to feel dry, and he really hoped Komaeda couldn’t feel his slight quivering. “You remember when I woke up with you sitting over me, and you were asking me if I was listening?”

Komaeda’s breath caught in his throat a bit, a soft sound, but one that Hinata didn’t miss. “Yes.”

“That’s us when that happened,” Hinata explained. “When the sun was blocked behind your head, and everything was all hazy and bright, and you smiled warmly down at me when you realized that I was okay.”

Komaeda swallowed hard, seeming to be trying to hide his own slight shaking at this point. “Okay,” he said. “So what’s the one on the right?”

Hinata took another deep breath to brace himself before looking to the mirror on the right, his gaze locking onto the eyes of Komaeda’s reflection, solid and keen and apprehensive. “That’s us during the first trial.”

Komaeda didn’t make a sound, didn’t drop his gaze. His eyes remained fixed, like a photograph frozen in time, and somehow Hinata felt like he couldn’t figure out what he was feeling, like he’d lost the ability to tell.

“Th-that’s us when you told everyone your plan, and that you committed the murder, when you were laughing that horrifying, grating laugh,” Hinata continued softly, incapable of tearing his own gaze away from Komaeda’s. “That’s you in every moment like the first trial, like that time in the diner when I had to cut up your pancakes, when you get that scary look in your eye. That’s when I realize just how much I don’t understand about you yet, when I realize that people can be scarier than make-believe monsters in haunted houses.”

Komaeda finally averted his gaze, dropped it to the floor. “Why are you telling me this, Hinata-kun?” he said in a low voice.

Carefully, Hinata turned him around, placed his quaking hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “Komaeda,” he said. “I’ve been telling myself for the longest time that I could never understand you, that I missed the Komaeda from the beginning and wished I could have him back, but you were right that time at the diner. You were right when you told me that they’re all the same person, because they are. Here, look at this.” Hinata moved a bit to the side, allowed Komaeda to see the wall of mirrors behind him. “All of these images. They seem so hard to put together for me, like this impossible puzzle, but they’re all just you.”

Komaeda stared up, eyes flickering from one reflection to the next, dozens of ghostly Komaedas looking back at him through the dim, purple glow of the haunted house. His body tense, Komaeda looked back to Hinata, looking lost, confused, like he was begging for some sort of explanation.

“Please, don’t look at me like that,” Hinata said, grabbing Komaeda by the hand. “That’s not how I mean this, I promise. All I’m saying is that I’m done trying to pick you apart into different people. It’s all just you, with all your good pieces and bad pieces, and I know that now. I can’t just say that I like the Komaeda in the left mirror and not the one in the right, because it doesn’t work that way.”

“Yes, I know,” Komaeda said with a nod. “I’m still just not exactly sure what you’re trying to say, though.”

Hinata tightened his grip on Komaeda’s cold hand. “I want to accept you for who you are,” he said quietly. “I want to. It’s really hard for me, because there are so many conflicting feelings in my head, and I still don’t have them all straightened out. And you’ve done so many bad things, but those are a part of you too.”

“A part of me?” Komaeda mumbled, furrowing his brow, yet trying to put up some type of smile.

“It’s not that I’ve forgiven you,” Hinata clarified, looking to the side. “I want to make that clear. After everything you’ve done, I can’t just wave it all away and forgive you for all of it. But that’s what makes this so complicated in my mind, because I care about you. Like, a lot. I really, really care about you, Komaeda.”

When Hinata looked back over, Komaeda’s eyes were on the ground, and he was struck with the horrifying dread he’d been fighting back all this time that he was doing something wrong.

“Please, that all came out really wrong,” he tried to say. “This is the stuff I told you in the hospital when you were sick and you didn’t hear it, but it came out so much better then. I don’t know what part of what I said was wrong, but I’m sorry. Everything was wrong. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” Komaeda said, finally looking back up at him with the smile resting neatly across his lips. “I care about you too, Hinata-kun. Now why don’t we try to get out of here like you said? We don’t have to race anymore. It will probably be faster if we just try to find the exit together.”

“Yeah,” Hinata sighed, allowing his hands to fall from Komaeda’s shoulders. “Um, you’re the one with the luck, so why don’t you choose a direction.”

Komaeda nodded at him, his smile still in place, but even as he turned to lead the way out, Hinata knew it wasn’t as warm or bright as all his other smiles from the rest of the day.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Unfortunately for Hinata and his conscience, the two of them were interrupted upon exiting the haunted house and whisked onto a rollercoaster (oh, the irony) that led them to a brightly colored funhouse, otherwise known as this round’s murder location, according to Monokuma. Despite several attempts made at trying to speak with him, Hinata hadn’t had a single chance to be alone with Komaeda, even with the whole group pairing off to carry out an investigation of their new environment. Nanami sure helped a lot with that one, but then again, maybe it was for the better. It seemed she had a knack for reading certain situations, and if she thought it best for them to stay separate for a bit longer simply from the vibes being given off, then perhaps it really was best. Still, it left Hinata lying in his shitty bed in his shitty room, unable to sleep or think about anything other than what happened earlier with Komaeda. It was decided then: he’d pay a visit to Komaeda’s room the next night.

Still, standing in front of Komaeda’s door alone in the dead of night just after knocking, Hinata began to feel rather nervous. It was a moment of horribly painful silence until the door finally opened, revealing the pale, white-haired boy’s face behind.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda sounded, raising his eyebrows. “What are you doing here at such an hour? You’re supposed to be in the Muscat House, right?”

“Well, yeah,” Hinata replied, dropping his gaze to the ground. For some reason he felt nervous holding his eye contact. “I guess I feel like we just never got a chance to wrap things up yesterday. I mean, we kinda got interrupted.”

“Oh, I suppose that’s true,” Komaeda agreed. “I guess it’s not fair that my punishment didn’t last the whole day, is it? Ah, why don’t you come in? I’m sure you don’t want to be caught hanging in the hallway outside my room.”

Komaeda opened the door wider, and Hinata slipped by him and into the room. Immediately his eyes were assaulted by lividly red splotches of bright strawberries everywhere. “Geez,” he hissed, squinting and shielding his eyes. “How the hell are you supposed to fall asleep in here?”

“Well it’s not like I was sleeping when you came by,” Komaeda laughed, shutting the door as he turned to face Hinata. “Now, what was it you wanted?”

“I just wanted to…” Hinata trailed off, eyes caught on a large strawberry that was part of the pattern on the wall. “I just wanted to see how you’re feeling,” he eventually settled on. “You hardly ate anything the morning before we came here.”

“Oh,” Komaeda sounded, sitting down on the bed and gesturing for Hinata to sit down beside him. He was in only his jeans and his t-shirt, his jacket folded neatly on top of his desk and his shoes placed tidily to the side. His arms looked smooth and slender sticking out from the short sleeves, his skin dyed a strange, unnatural pallor by the harshness of the strawberry lights. “You really shouldn’t waste your time worrying about me,” he insisted. “You should be worrying about yourself, or perhaps our other classmates. And if you’re really worried, maybe you’ll do something to fix this situation.”

“Huh?” Hinata hummed as he sat down, immediately regretting his decision when he looked over and saw that maddening, spinning, far-away glint in the other boy’s eyes. “Komaeda,” he almost begged. “Please.”

“It would be so easy,” Komaeda murmured in a low, raspy voice, placing a hand on the bed and leaning his weight on it as he shifted his face closer to Hinata. “You don’t intend to sit around and let your hope waste away, do you? I can help you. We’ll plan it together, and—”

“Komaeda,” Hinata said, trying to sound assertive. “Stop it.”

Komaeda faltered, his twisted smile frozen, his eyes still wide, yet at the same time lost. “Hinata-kun—” he tried to say, but Hinata persisted.

“I’m not going to deal with this now,” he said, and after a moment of anxious hesitation, he placed his hand over Komaeda’s hand on the bed. The other boy flinched noticeably, which in turn made something shift painfully in Hinata’s chest, but he refused to give in. “Even now you’re still spouting this nonsense? You haven’t learned by now that I’m not gonna listen to you, or do anything to you?”

“It’s stupid of you not to take my offer in this situation,” Komaeda tried to counter, his voice tight. “If nobody does anything, you will all die of starvation. It disappoints me that you would throw away all of your hope, that you would spit in the face of hope and do nothing.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata said quietly, lacing his fingers between Komaeda’s boney ones and leaning in close to his face. “This is my hope. Refusing to kill, trusting our friends, and moving forward with courage… Don’t you think that can be hope?”

“And aren’t you afraid of simply falling into despair?” Komaeda posed, knitting his eyebrows together in a somewhat snarky, irritated expression. “Unwilling to fight for your life, you give up and die. Tell me, Hinata-kun. What sort of hope will rise from this?”

“Killing my friends would be giving into despair,” Hinata snapped, unable to contain his vexation at this point. “This is my hope, Komaeda, and it’s not going anywhere. Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t that what you like about me?”

“There are many things I like about you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda murmured, his eyes dark and half-lidded. He pulled Hinata’s hand up with his own, still locked together, and pressed it against his own slender neck. “Do you feel that?” he practically purred, his voice catching huskily in his throat, and something stirred in Hinata’s abdomen. “Do you feel that flesh beneath your fingers? The warm skin? The soft pulse of blood underneath? That’s meat, Hinata-kun. That’s food, and if you just place your mouth here, right here on this spot under your fingers, all you have to do is bite down. It would be so easy. My neck is weak, and my artery is right here. Aren’t you hungry, Hinata-kun?”

“Komaeda…” Hinata tried to scold, but it came out far too soft and unsure. Komaeda smirked softly, placed a hand lightly on the back of Hinata’s head. Hinata allowed him to do it, and suddenly his lips were brushing lightly against the warmth of Komaeda’s neck.

“Don’t you see, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda barely whispered, his words thick and breathy. “It’s easy. All you have to do is bite down.”

Hinata could feel himself shaking. His stomach was empty, so horribly empty, and yet there was something else there, some fluttery feeling that almost made him feel dizzy. He was warm – hot, even – and his fingers were itching to do something, and before he realized what was going on, his parted lips were on Komaeda’s neck. Komaeda let out a soft sound, and something Hinata could only describe as _hunger_ welled up within him. Unthinking, he slipped his tongue out from between his lips, fingers feeling for the strip of skin just underneath the bottom edge of Komaeda’s shirt.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda gasped quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said against his neck, shifting so he was sitting more on his heels. “I shouldn’t do this without asking. Is this okay?”

There was an awful pause, a pause where Hinata could feel everything, from Komaeda’s subtle quivering to the weight of the possibility that this uneven, unstable structure they’d been carefully building up between the two of them might come crumbling down. And then: “Yes,” the other boy barely whispered. “Go ahead.”

_Go ahead,_ Hinata thought, pressing his lips to Komaeda’s neck once more and reaching up under his shirt again to touch his skin, feeling each bump along his spine. _Not exactly how you wanted this to go,_ he tried to remind himself as he gently pushed Komaeda down onto his back in the bed. _Tell him you’re sorry for yesterday, and explain it better this time. Say it like you said it at the hospital._

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda breathed, running his hands along Hinata’s shoulders, his back. “I, ah…I just don’t understand…”

“What?” Hinata somehow got out, preoccupied with the feeling of Komaeda, finally Komaeda, under his lips, his fingertips, his body, the feeling of his ribs jutting out from his torso, the soft thumping of his pulse under his mouth.

“Don’t understand,” Komaeda sighed, gripping the fabric of Hinata’s shirt with both hands and letting his head fall back a little. “Someone like you, someone full of hope…”

“Jesus Christ, don’t you dare start talking about hope right now,” Hinata groaned, moving to Komaeda’s mouth. Better to shut the kid up before he got too carried away, he supposed. He slid his fingers into Komaeda’s hair, which elicited a soft sigh of contentment from the other boy. He was entirely on top of Komaeda now, sucking at his bottom lip, tangling his fingers tightly into his messy hair.

“Ahhh,” Komaeda sounded, leaning his head fall back all the way. “Hinata-kun, you can do whatever you want to me, okay?”

Hinata fought the urge to freeze. He hated how he said it, the wording he used. “What do you want me to do to you?” he inquired instead.

“I want you to do whatever you want to me,” Komaeda countered, puffing hot breath across Hinata’s face and locking onto his gaze. “Really. For my body to be in any way useful to you makes me—”

“If that’s the only kinda stuff you’re going to say, then just don’t talk,” Hinata muttered.

“So no words, is that right?” Komaeda asked, his hoarse voice sending chills shaking through Hinata’s body. “What about noises? What about your name?”

Hinata’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes wide. “My—”

“Ahh, _Hinata-kun…”_ Komaeda moaned dramatically, closing his eyes and arching his back a bit.

Hinata was dumbfounded for a moment, utterly paralyzed. He knew the kid was just being petty and getting back at him for telling him to shut up (was it really his fault if he had bad taste in pillow talk though?). Still, he reacted much more to the sound than he ever would have wanted to admit to anyone, and he ducked back down to clamp his mouth back over Komaeda’s.

“Mmph,” Komaeda hummed, and Hinata couldn’t have been more both frustrated and pleased by the raspy quality of his voice. He stuck his tongue into Komaeda’s mouth, and after a moment of mild surprise, the other boy reciprocated. Komaeda wasn’t the most coordinated with his movements, probably due to a lack of experience, and so sometimes he would shift at odd angles or clunk his head against Hinata’s in a way that was only mildly painful. Still, he must have been doing something right to be getting such a reaction, Hinata figured. He was conscious of it being very hot, with their limbs all tangled together and some sweat forming along his hairline. Their hips were pressed together, Komaeda’s hands running all over Hinata’s torso under his shirt. Hinata’s own hands were still tangled in Komaeda’s wild mess of hair, limp strands splayed out like pale seaweed against the surface of the bed. Eventually he pulled his lips away from Komaeda’s mouth, pressing them instead against his ear.

“Isn’t it nice when you’re not talking?” he said between breaths.

_“Ohhh, Hinata-kun!”_ Komaeda suddenly cried out, digging his heels into the mattress and rocking his hips up hard. Hinata had to lurch forward over Komaeda in order not to fall off, and the excessively pornographic quality of his voice left him trying to choke down his laughter.

“Damn good thing this room of yours is soundproof, you bastard,” he laughed into the crook of Komaeda’s neck, settling himself back down again and trying to maintain an at least somewhat sexy air.

“That’s the tradeoff if I can’t talk,” Komaeda offered, mouth pressed against the side of Hinata’s jaw. “It’s not that I don’t get it, though. If I talk too much it ruins what you’re here for.” He then reached up, wrapping his arms around Hinata’s neck and pulling him close, working his tongue along Hinata’s jawline.

“…No,” Hinata then said.

“Hm?” the white-haired boy purred.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Hinata said, tracing circles into Komaeda’s scalp. “I just don’t want you talking about things that will…ruin the mood, I guess.”

“Of course, of course,” Komaeda said lightly, grabbing Hinata by the sides of his head so he could kiss him straight on once more. Despite his displeasure with where the conversation was dropped, Hinata reciprocated.

At this point Komaeda was tugging at Hinata’s shirt while their mouths were clamped together, and Hinata obliged by breaking the contact for a moment to whip off the piece of clothing and toss it to the side before leaning down once more. It took more finagling to remove Komaeda’s shirt, with him pinned underneath Hinata, but eventually they succeeded in utilizing team effort to make it happen.

After that it became quite clear that things were getting heated. They were both making sounds at this point, sounds that spilled out regardless of intent, and certainly not for jokes. Komaeda was gripping at Hinata’s back with such intensity Hinata thought it might leave marks, but he didn’t pay it much mind, couldn’t if he’d wanted to as they kissed and bit and sucked at each other’s mouths.

Komaeda ripped his lips away and let his head fall back against the mattress as he gasped for breath, their hips still grinding against each other, arms still tangled together, and Hinata couldn’t help but think that Komaeda looked beautiful in that moment. Strangely enough, he looked like a ghost, some nighttime fantasy, wispy white hair spread out around his face, his half-lidded eyes sparkling, a light blush dusting his pale white cheeks. He thought of all the time they spent together, their time together on the beach, the festival, the night in the hospital, and tears stung his eyes. He buried his face in the crook of Komaeda’s neck once more, hugging the other boy tightly to himself.

“I love you,” he blurted out, body shaking, heart racing, blood pumping loudly past his ears.

Komaeda froze for a moment, tensed up. Hinata’s grip on him tightened, and he pressed his lips against Komaeda’s throat. “You don’t have to say anything, don’t worry. You can just listen,” he told him, his body shaking with adrenaline, and the words just began to pour out. “I’m sorry if that’s scary for you,” he started. “It’s scary for me, too. And maybe I shouldn’t have used that word, because we’re not even in a relationship, but I just know that I care about you a lot, okay? You mean so much to me, in a way that’s more than a friend. And what I was trying to say yesterday in the haunted house is that I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me to understand you, but I’m fucking trying, okay? I’m trying my best and I’m not gonna stop, and it’s so hard for me because you’ve done bad, crazy things and sometimes that scares me, and I’m not going to let go of all that just because of these weird feelings, but I want to try to work something out. I don’t think you’re inherently a bad person, I just think you’re troubled and hard to understand, but I want to try. I want to understand you, and I want to care about you. And I do care about you. I really, really do.”

There was a short pause that seemed to stretch on forever. “Hinata-kun,” Komaeda barely breathed, his embrace around Hinata tightening.

“And you don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hold you like this,” Hinata said, then pressed his lips against Komaeda’s once more. There was a certain intense desperation to the action, something Hinata would have been embarrassed of in most other situations, but he couldn’t help it, and Komaeda matched his desperation. Everything was so hot and hazy, the only breaks between their mouths occurring when Komaeda gasped for air. Their hands wandered all over, exploring new areas, and eventually Hinata broke off the kiss, ran his tongue along the edge of Komaeda’s collarbone. Komaeda let out a sigh of content, dug his fingernails into the skin on Hinata’s back as Hinata worked his way down the other boy’s torso.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda murmured as Hinata got lower, placing a hand on his head.

“Hmm,” Hinata hummed.

“Hinata-kun…stop…”

“…Hm?”

“Hinata-kun, please stop.”

Hinata looked up, still breathing heavily, forehead still slicked with sweat. Komaeda sat up as well, not looking much better, and their eyes locked together. “Is something wrong?” Hinata asked.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Komaeda stammered, averting his gaze. “I just…”

Hinata frowned slightly. “Hey, I don’t wanna make you do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he said, shifting off of Komaeda and more to the side, trying to place an arm around him.

“I know,” Komaeda said, but he lightly pushed the arm away.

Hinata was silent for a moment. “Did I…do something wrong?”

“No, not at all,” Komaeda insisted, looking back at Hinata. “There was just so much happening all at once. So much to process, but I just don’t…” He frowned, clearly displeased at not being able to articulate himself. “I promise it’s not you.”

“You’re not still mad about what I said yesterday in the haunted house?” Hinata asked cautiously.

“Mad? I wasn’t mad at all,” Komaeda told him. “I had a lot on my mind, and some of what you said perhaps hit a cord, but it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“So you’re not mad then,” Hinata sighed, letting go of the tension in his frame. “That’s a relief. You’re really okay though?”

“I’m fine,” Komaeda murmured, glancing off to the side again. “I just think I want to be alone right now. I hope that’s not cruel of me, but it’s just that I feel like I have a lot to think about.”

“No, that’s cool, I understand,” Hinata said, only then beginning to feel a bit awkward. It had all been such a blur that he didn’t even remember exactly what he’d said. He felt his face heat up, and he stood up rather suddenly from the bed. “U-um, I’ll get my shirt and leave you to it then, I guess.”

Komaeda watched him as he put his shirt back on. “I’m sorry for being so difficult,” he said, sounding a bit shaken. “Maybe this is natural for you, but for me it’s a lot to process.”

“No, I understand,” Hinata said, smiling a bit sheepishly over at the boy still on the bed. “No rush. We can talk tomorrow, okay?”

Komaeda allowed himself the smallest of smiles. “Okay,” he said with a nod. “Good night, Hinata-kun.”

“Good night, Komaeda,” Hinata said, closing the door quietly behind him.

As he made his way back to the other side of the funhouse, he wondered just what kind of chaos would come with tomorrow, and he smiled. It felt like electricity was sparking through his veins, and for once he actually felt happy and at peace thinking of Komaeda on his way to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol so that was sorta an interesting one I guess??? Like I said, I'm not a super romantic person so I hope the ending part was suited to all of your tastes!! Any feedback on the characterization is (as always) welcome as well, because I always worry about them being too out of character when I take them too far outside of canon events. I'm also hoping that how Tsumiki's words affected Komaeda's behavior throughout the entire chapter is clear enough, because it doesn't go away and honestly is probably one of the factors that made it possible for Hinata to have his little make-out session with Ko at the end..
> 
> But anyway, thank you all so much for giving me all this support!! I read all of your comments and really, truly appreciate each and every one, so I'm really grateful for all your feedback and would be delighted if you left me some more! Not to be too annoying with this point, but I do just want to apologize one last time for how late this chapter was!! But still, I love you guys and you're all incredible, so thank you all so much!!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so......I'm not dead???? It's crazy, I know!! The first thing I want to say is just that I am so, so, SO sorry that it took literally like a year for this chapter to come out. I don't really have much of an excuse, other than Life Sorta Happened >< but I did mean it when I said that I meant to see this fic through to the end, so that's what I'm doing!! Still, I just want to say that I was utterly shocked at the number of comments I got even when I wasn't actively posting?? You guys are so incredibly kind, and reading all your amazing comments really helped give me the motivation I needed to come back to this as well!! Seriously, I can't thank you enough for all the support, it's really meant a lot to me. I only hope that I can deliver with this next chapter and the end of the fic since it seems to have touched some of you so much.
> 
> That being said, this chapter was pretty difficult to write. I struggled for a while with it because I felt like it wasn't interesting enough, and then the longer I waited the worse it got, since I wanted to post something exciting that you guys would like for my first chapter in a while...Eventually I came to terms with the fact that because of what needs to happen in terms of the story for this chapter this is simply how it has to be, and so I really hope that you all still find it enjoyable.
> 
> Before I begin, I would also just like to give a super duper gigantic thank you to dunyazad here on ao3!!!! You're such an amazing friend and you helped me so much with this chapter, both through beta reading and inspiring me to keep going. I couldn't have done it without you <3 <3 and I highly suggest for everyone reading this to go check out their stuff!!!
> 
> And finally (since we all know I'm notoriously bad at keeping the notes brief), I would just like to say thank you to ALL of you reading this as well!! Like I said, your continued support has really meant the world to me. I never imagined as many people would read this as did, and I'm just blown away by the positive reception. Thank you for putting up with my absence, and thank you for believing in me. You're all the best <3 <3

“Hinata? Hinata, are you still there?”

“Y-Yes,” Hinata managed to choke out, clutching the phone to his face with both of his hands, his shoulders hunched, his fingers hooked like claws. “I heard you. I’m sorry, I…”

“I know it’s a lot,” Kuzuryuu sighed. “It’s a lot over here, too. Nidai was a good guy.”

“Yeah, he really was.” Hinata could feel his legs start to shake, grow weak. He found himself leaning against the wall for support. He’d heard the body discovery announcement; everybody had, no matter which side of the funhouse they were on. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting to learn, which name he had been expecting to hear from Kuzuryuu’s lips, and though he knew his reaction would have been the same no matter which of his friends it had been, he couldn’t help but wish things could have happened differently as a cold, heavy stone settled in his stomach and he felt like the world was spinning, like he could fall unconscious any moment. “Thanks for telling me, Kuzuryuu.”

“’Course,” came Kuzuryuu’s voice. “Hate to be the bearer of bad news, though. We’ll investigate on this side as much as we can, but make sure you guys don’t slack off either, yeah? We gotta do this for Nidai.”

“Yeah,” Hinata replied breathlessly, nodding despite the fact that his friend couldn’t see him. “Kuzuryuu?”

“Yeah?”

“Is…Is Komaeda there?”

“Yeah, we practically had to drag him outta bed. Guess that luxury room really is pretty soundproof, huh?” Kuzuryuu snorted. “Why, you wanna talk to him?”

“Um, only if it’s not too much,” Hinata mumbled, glancing behind him back at Nanami and the other girls. He felt oddly ashamed of himself for wanting to speak to the boy, but he tried to shove the emotion down.

There was a pause during which Hinata could only hear some shuffling and muffled voices, and then suddenly words were filling his ear once more. “Hinata-kun?” Komaeda murmured, his voice still scratchy from sleep, and Hinata let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Komaeda,” Hinata spoke, hardening his voice so as not to sound quite as pathetic. He glanced back at the girls a bit nervously. If he got found out things could still go badly. “You’re okay?”

“Yes?” Komaeda replied, sounding almost surprised. “Nidai is the one who was murdered.”

Hinata winced a bit at his bluntness, especially when the wound was still so fresh. Briefly, a thought occurred to him: what if Hinata had been the one to die? Would Komaeda react the same way, unconcerned, unhindered, that far-away smile still stitched across his face? He remembered Komaeda mentioning that he thought he understood how the others felt when there was a murder, that he felt that same sadness too, but somehow it was difficult to make the pieces fit together properly in his mind. Promptly he shook his head, ridding himself of the distracting thoughts. “I know,” he sighed. “But you are okay. Right?”

“Yes Hinata-kun, I am perfectly unharmed,” Komaeda replied. “It seems unfortunate to me that a shining beam of light such as Nidai-kun was taken when I offered myself up to all of you instead, but I’m sure you all will find a way to carve your way to the hope at the heart of this, and I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I’m still alive to witness it.”

“Please don’t say that, Komaeda,” Hinata sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Please, I can’t hear that right now.” He waited for some sort of reply, but Komaeda stayed silent. He supposed that was a start, though he wished he could see the other boy’s face to better gage his reaction. “Um, I guess you’ll be investigating on the other side then, right?”

“Yes,” Komaeda replied. There was a short pause, and then he spoke up once more. “Is there anything you wanted to tell me, Hinata-kun?”

“Oh, um, not really,” Hinata muttered, feeling his cheeks start to burn a bit, and so he turned towards the wall to hide himself from the view of the others. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

A short pause. “Why?”

“I don’t know, when bad things happen sometimes you just wanna hear the voice of the person you care about,” Hinata huffed quietly, somehow frustrated. “Don’t you get that, Komaeda?”

“Oh,” Komaeda murmured. “Well, here is my voice.”

Hinata rolled his eyes, tempted to snap at the boy, but he took a deep breath instead. He’d already known going into this that Komaeda would be far from the best emotional support in such a situation, so he shouldn’t have expected anything more than that. Baby steps, he supposed. “You know what, forget it. I guess we’re wasting time, huh?”

“Um, yes, I suppose we are,” Komaeda assented, still sounding a bit unsure of himself. “The allotted time for the investigation has already begun.”

“Yeah,” Hinata sighed. “Well, good luck.”

“Ha!”

“What?”

“Oh,” Komaeda gasped. “Was that not meant to be a joke?”

Hinata frowned, a bit more than exasperated at this point. This conversation hadn’t gone at all how he’d imagined it. “Just shut up and get to work, okay?”

“Your wish is my command,” Komaeda said just a bit too cheerfully. “Goodbye, Hinata-kun.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata said quickly.

Another pause. “Yes?”

“Be careful, okay?”

This time the silence stretched on so long it made Hinata question whether Komaeda was still there at all. And then, “I’ll try my best. You be careful too, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata felt his breath hitch in his throat a bit, and he opened his mouth to say something else (what it was he didn’t even know), but the receiver on the other end clicked, and he was left in silence. He removed the phone from his ear, blinking down at it with a frown before finally hanging it back on the wall. He then shook his head to get focused, finally turning to face the others.

“Well, I guess it’s time to start then, huh?”

 

 

~~~

 

 

After hanging up the phone, Komaeda turned back to the other students as Kuzuryuu began to explain in detail the events they’d all experienced that morning. He rubbed at his eyes sleepily as the bright red blotches floated lazily across his line of sight, his classmate’s voice droning in his ear as if it were white noise. He was so, so tired. With the events of the night before he’d simply been so overwhelmed, his heartrate never quite settling back down to normal, his long, bony fingers never quite relaxing enough to stop their quivering, and as a result he’d gotten hardly any sleep at all.

The night before. A slow, sick feeling dribbled through his stomach, which already felt pretty horrible (though as a result of nerves or lack of food he had no way of knowing), and it made his legs feel even weaker and shakier than they already did. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel, or how he even felt in spite of what should or shouldn’t be experiencing. It wasn’t that it hadn’t felt good, or that he hadn’t enjoyed what transpired at all. In fact, the impossibility of what had happened was so overpowering that a part of him questioned whether he hadn’t imagined the whole thing, though the memory of the other boy’s touch imprinted in his skin seemed just too real not to be true. This realization came with an unbearable sense of guilt, however. Was it not wrong to interact with an Ultimate in such an intimate way?

Komaeda closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, covering his face with his hands and allowing his fingers to slide into his hair. A part of him felt like tearing clumps of it out, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight in an attempt to distract himself from the impulse. He didn’t even know what he wanted from this situation anymore. He couldn’t deny that there was a part of him that longed for this, longed for him, rather. His touch, is gaze, his forgiveness.

 _But Hinata-kun doesn’t forgive me,_ he reminded himself. _He told me he doesn’t. I wonder if he ever will, or if he ever even could. Why would he do this to me if he couldn’t forgive me?_

A deep frown then appeared on Komaeda’s face, weighed down his lips. It was all because of those stupid letters. If Komaeda hadn’t been stupid enough to write them in the first place, or at the very least hadn’t been stupid enough to lose one of them, he never would have gotten into this mess.

 _…The letters, huh?_ He almost felt like writing one now. Not even for Hinata-kun, just a selfish little one for himself, though he supposed Hinata-kun hadn’t gotten one in a very long time and had been kept waiting for far too long by now. Well, regardless of any of that, Komaeda made up his mind to get to Hinata-kun as soon as possible and apologize for the night before— for what reason exactly he wasn’t really sure, but perhaps simply because he felt like he should, and maybe then all the order that had been hopelessly lost would magically reconstruct itself between him and Hinata-kun. Hinata-kun, who hadn’t yet forgiven him, who’d cradled him so dearly, who deserved so much better, who told him that he _loved—_

“Hey, are you even listening?”

Komaeda jerked his head up immediately, ripping his hands away from his face despite the slight blush he could feel burning there. “Huh? Oh, yes, of course,” he then replied, nodding vigorously as if that would make Kuzuryuu-kun believe him more. “Nidai-kun’s murder, and we’re separated from the Grape House as well.” _Looks like my apologies to Hinata-kun will have to wait. I should have mentioned it on the phone…Still, I might as well do as much as I can to help him out for this trial, especially considering his closed-off state with regards to the crime scene._ “Well then, why don’t we start the investigation? I’m sure we can make some use of ourselves for now, even despite all my incompetence.”

Eventually they all parted ways, and Komaeda tried his best to push his personal issues out of his mind as he went about his investigation. He grimaced as he walked, mulling everything over in his brain, all the murder details and supposed facts, and it seemed that the deeper he went into contemplating, the more and more inevitable it became that he would have to enter the Final Dead Room. The realization was less an epiphany of sorts and more so a reaffirmation of something he supposed he always sort of knew, but even so he couldn’t entirely ignore the wavering sense of dread that planted itself in his abdomen. Well, better he do it than someone else, he thought. It wasn’t like there was anything specific for him to live for anyway, no personal ties, nobody to miss him…

…oh.

Komaeda slowed to a halt, staring blankly down at the ground. Was that really true anymore? That he had no personal ties to this world? Immediately his chest felt tight, and his breathing became strained and almost painful. He reached up and pressed his shaking fingers to his throat, just above the dip in his collar bone, and tried his best to inhale deeply and then slowly let it out. _Stay calm,_ he tried to tell himself, but his already faint state of being wasn’t helping, and he leaned against the wall once dizziness began to overcome him.

Komaeda closed his eyes, trying to remain as calm as he could, but it was hard. Really hard. Why was it so difficult? Normal people made such connections all the time. But what did he even mean by “such connections?” What type of bond was it he was forging with Hinata-kun? Was it even fair to call it a bond? How did Hinata-kun feel about it? It was true that Hinata-kun had said all those things the night before, but Komaeda still wasn’t quite sure what any of it meant. Still, those three little words were unmistakable, uttered so quickly, as if they’d been just waiting to spill from his lips.

 _I just don’t understand,_ Komaeda thought frantically, his thoughts in a feverish jumble, and he allowed himself to slide down the wall, find some stability as he crouched to the ground. There was simply no way someone like Hinata-kun would feel that way about someone like him. Did Hinata-kun even believe he was the one writing the letters anymore? Was that even a factor in his mind? Ah, perhaps it was more a question of lust. Of course, people often confused love with lust, but even then, was there even anything about Komaeda’s body to be lustful about? This had all gotten so out of hand, and there he was, curled up on the funhouse floor when he should have been giving up everything – the nothing he’d always had and found comfort in maintaining – for the people who would always mean more to the world than his existence ever could.

“Hey Komaeda, don’t get the wrong idea here but…are you okay?”

Komaeda looked up, his eyes wide. “Huh? Souda-kun? Aren’t you supposed to be working on the elevator?”

“Uh, yeah. I was,” Souda-kun replied, gesturing to the elevator behind him. “You uh, kinda just curled up in a ball in the middle of the hallway, though.”

“Ah, I didn’t even notice you,” Komaeda said, placing a hand against the wall and hoisting himself up to a standing position. His legs were still shaking and his chest still tight, but he managed a smile nonetheless. “I’m sorry to disturb you.”

“You are okay though, right?” Souda-kun asked almost begrudgingly, crossing his arms across his chest and cocking an eyebrow. “Because god knows I don’t trust you, but you’re the only one on this side of the funhouse who seems to know what to do right now.”

“Oh, I doubt that’s true,” Komaeda laughed a bit. “Really, I’m quite expendable. You would all get along fine without me.”

“Yeah whatever, I don’t wanna get in an argument over something like this,” Souda-kun sighed. “Listen, it’s just that you look like you’re havin’ problems. I’m no Hinata – I don’t really care about your problems and I don’t know how to fix them. To be honest I’m a little scared to even be alone with you right now, but all I know is I should probably be even more scared if you’re not gonna help us with this investigation.”

“Really, you shouldn’t feel that you need to rely on me so much,” Komaeda insisted with a nervous smile. “I’m just garbage compared to you, really. Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on me? Hahaha…”

Souda-kun frowned. “Pressure? You solve all the cases practically before we set foot in the trial room though, don’t you? You mean pressure for you to be on our side?”

Komaeda tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“You know, ‘cause sometimes you like to play devil’s advocate, right?” Souda-kun spat, his eyes narrowed. “Who am I kiddin’, you practically are the devil half the time, huh?”

“I’m…not exactly sure how you want me to respond to that, Souda-kun.”

“By the way, you weren’t serious about Hinata being the traitor, were you?”

“Huh?” Komaeda gasped. He’d entirely forgotten he’d even brought up the possibility, with everything spinning about in his mind. “Oh, well it is a possibility, don’t you think? What with him not remembering his talent and all.”

“And that’s why you like him so much, huh?” Souda-kun prodded. “’Cause you think he could be the traitor? Or do you already know he is?”

“I don’t know who the traitor is any more than you do, Souda-kun,” Komaeda laughed, though it took some force to keep his smile in place. “Really, I don’t know why you’re asking me all of this. I should probably leave you to work on the elevator, after all.”

“Hm, well whatever’s bothering you, don’t let it get in the way of the investigation, ‘kay?” Souda-kun murmured, taking a step back towards the elevator. “Or, if you’re plannin’ on working against us, maybe you should. I don’t know, just don’t be a burden. Please.”

“A burden,” Komaeda murmured, staring at the bright strawberry patterns shifting on the wall before his eyes. He pressed a hand to his chest, tried to concentrate on letting it rise and fall, the in and out of his breath, but no matter what it still felt tight, strained. His voice fell low. “It does feel somewhat like a burden, doesn’t it?”

“What was that?” Souda-kun demanded.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Komaeda replied, looking back up and trying his best to ignore his labored breathing. “It’s just…if you were given a chance at something that was the complete opposite of how you lead your life - and in a way what you stand for - and a person who you care about wanted you to take this chance and thought it was best, but you knew it could end so horribly…”

Souda-kun studied him for a moment, his brow furrowed. “Komaeda,” he muttered, “what are you trying to say?”

“Oh, it’s really nothing,” Komaeda insisted, his head spinning, the world swirling around him a bit. “It’s purely hypothetical, of course. But I mean, just think about it. Even if someone were to offer you this chance, and even if you hadn’t made your decision yet, it would still pollute your thoughts, you know? It would still make you question everything, even before you made a decision it would still seep into your thoughts and make you wonder how it’s possible for something so diametrically opposed to your world to even exist, you know?”

“Komaeda,” Souda repeated again, is gaze steady and serious. “Why are you asking me this?”

“It’s nothing, I should probably get going, huh?” Komaeda laughed a bit, though his skull felt heavy and like it could just roll off from his thin neck, and he could feel the sweat starting to form at his hairline. He was fidgety, so uncomfortable in his own skin, and it made him want to slough it off like a snake and leave it behind him somewhere far away. “After all, I have a lot of investigating to do, for you and Hinata-kun and everybody else. It wouldn’t be a fair trial where everybody’s hope can truly flourish if we never finish the investigation, right?”

“Uh, right,” Souda-kun agreed hesitantly. “But Komaeda, everything is okay, right? Nothing’s wrong?”

“Of course everything is okay,” Komaeda replied, glancing down at his hand with a wide, plastic-feeling smile plastered on his face, the air whistling in a strained manner in and out of his throat and the warm, sticky sweat suffocating him with its feeling. “Because hope always wins in the end, right? As long as we believe in hope, and give ourselves up for hope…what could possibly be wrong with that?”

 

 

~~~

 

 

He wasn’t sure if he’d been expecting to make it through the Final Dead Room or not. Truthfully he hadn’t really thought about it. There were a lot of things he’d chosen not to think about before walking inside, before setting his life on the line for…

For what? He didn’t even know at this point. Whether the sacrifice had been for the sake of what he believed in or for the person he’d so tragically come to adore so personally, so intimately was something he couldn’t even begin to pick apart in his brain. Still, the book he’d received from Monokuma was impossibly heavy in his weak, tired arms, and so with a deep breath he opened it, and his eyes flickered open wide, his stomach dropping. He felt like he might throw up – either that or pass out, but he did neither of those things. Instead, he simply gaped down at the pages before him, stared down at them, stared through them so that he wasn’t really even looking at them anymore.

“What the…What the fuck is this?”

 

 

~~~

 

 

  
“You seem tired,” Nanami said after a while. “Is there something wrong?”

“Well I mean, there is a murder on our hands,” Hinata sighed. “That’s something that’s wrong.”

In truth, it wasn’t the fact that something was wrong necessarily that was causing Hinata’s slight shift in behavior, but the fact that finally, for once, something had actually gone decidedly _right._ Even now the night before simply didn’t seem real, like some hyped-up fever dream, a coalescence of his pent-up anxieties and desires tangled all together to somehow bring about the best result he could have reasonably hoped for. True, his confession had been rather emphatic and clumsy, and the time they spent tangled together in Komaeda’s room had felt all too short, but Hinata supposed that things in real life never really happened the same way they happened in romance movies, really— and in all honesty he wasn’t disappointed; he wasn’t even disappointed that Komaeda had put a sudden end to things and asked for some time to think. Despite being caught up in the moment, Hinata didn’t quite think he was entirely ready for what could have transpired anyway, and he thought he himself could still use some time to think.

Still, the events of the day didn’t seem too enthusiastic on allowing him that time. When Hinata had woken up, he had been in no way prepared to deal with the body discovery announcement that soon greeted him, and his brain seemed decidedly displeased that his ruminations on the night from before had to be shoved to the side for the time being, for no matter how positive he felt with regard to the night before, there still seemed so much to sort out. However, every so often a pang of painful guilt struck through his chest. How could he even allow himself to feel disappointment at a time like this? Nidai was dead, a good friend of his that had deserved nothing of what he went through during his time on this island, and Hinata was still busying his mind with thoughts of the night before. It wasn’t that he wasn’t grieving; the grief swirled about in his otherwise empty stomach like some pulpy, sickening witch’s brew. Perhaps it was exactly this sickening feeling of grief that Hinata was attempting to avoid by tending to other thoughts instead, though the acknowledgement of this form of coping did nothing to relieve him of the grief he felt – or the guilt, for that matter. Besides, they had to have been searching for at least an hour at this point, perhaps more, and there still seemed to be rather limited clues for the truth of the murder on this side of the funhouse.

“You still seem tired,” Nanami persisted calmly, wrenching Hinata out of his guilty reverie. “Did you sleep last night?”

“Not much,” Hinata conceded, glad that his face was turned from hers when he could feel a soft blush spread across it, and he coughed to keep down whatever it was that was trying to pull up the corners of his lips. This was no time to be feeling coy, or whatever the hell this sensation was.

“But you didn’t stay up because something was wrong?” she inquired. “Was it something good?”

“I guess you could say that.”

“Was it because of Komaeda-kun?”

The blush burned hotter in his cheeks, and a jolt went through his body, forcing tension into his shoulders. “W-What would make you say that?”

“Why else would you stay up all night for a good reason? Despite being a funhouse, there’s not much to do here that’s fun.”

Hinata finally turned, knowing it was strange to stay facing the wall despite the redness in his face. “Yeah but, you’re not trying to imply anything by that, are you?”

Nanami blinked up at him calmly. “I was just wondering if you stayed up because of Komaeda-kun, and if you were happy because of that.”

“Well, I mean I guess you could say that,” Hinata murmured as he averted his gaze, stumbling a bit over his words. “But nothing happened, okay? Like, nothing bad.”

Nanami smiled just a little bit. “You know you can trust me, Hinata-kun.”

“No, I’m telling the truth!” Hinata insisted vehemently. “Nothing bad happened, I swear! Sure, we spent a little time together, but it’s not like we did anything.” He then let his gaze drop to the ground, his shoulders relaxing just a bit. “Plus, I don’t think he would even be ready for anything like that.”

“And just what might you be referring to by that?”

Hinata gasped as he whipped around, only to find the white-haired boy in question standing before him. His eyes widened in shock, and the semblance of a thought that he was finally starting to see things passed through his mind, that the lack of food in his system was finally starting to get to him. There was something almost wonderful about seeing the other boy though, even in this situation. An almost shameful sort of flutter kicked about in his empty stomach, and he attempted to swallow the feeling down. “Komaeda,” he breathed, unsure of how else to respond. “Komaeda, how the hell did you get here?”

“You wouldn’t be talking about me, would you?” Komaeda then inquired, a small, shrewd sort of smile resting tranquilly across his lips. “It was my understanding that the goings-on between us were to be kept private, but I can see that you weren’t as in line with that thinking as I thought, Hinata-kun. Could it be that I’m the only one supposed to keep quiet about this?”

“Komaeda,” Hinata murmured again, this time furrowing his brow. “I didn’t know you didn’t want me to talk to people about it.”

“I just find it a bit unfair, is all,” Komaeda said almost conversationally. “Do you find it fair that you’re allowed to talk about it when I’m not, Hinata-kun? What about you, Nanami-san?”

Nanami glanced over at Hinata uneasily, and Hinata cleared his throat, trying to keep his mind calm and clear. “Is something wrong, Komaeda?” he asked a bit cautiously.

“Wrong?” Komaeda laughed sharply. “Why would you think something is wrong, Hinata-kun? I’m smiling, aren’t I Hinata-kun?”

Hinata frowned. “You’re acting weird.”

“Is it really all that weird when I’m acting weird?”

“No. But even so, you’re acting weird,” Hinata insisted, but Komaeda simply laughed a bit.

“Well I suppose we can cross Super High School Level Psychoanalyst off the list, though we already knew that. Or at least I did, after finding out the secret behind your talent.”

Hinata’s eyes widened, his throat becoming dry. He tried to speak, but words eluded him, twisted his tongue in knots. “My talent?” he finally choked out.

“Uh-huh,” Komaeda replied, though something about the look on his face was disconcerting. “Your talent. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say your lack of such?”

A horrible flutter kicked through Hinata’s stomach, as if he were going down a large drop on a rollercoaster. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you have no talent, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda replied, his smile growing wider, as if to tell him that everything was wonderful when the world was crumbling down all around him. “You never had a Super High School Level talent, Hinata-kun. You’re a reserve course student. You just paid money to go to Hope’s Peak Academy.”

“No,” Hinata said, shaking his head. “No way that’s true.”

“Huh? Are you calling me a liar?” Komaeda inquired, tilting his head to the side and raising his eyebrows as if he were actually surprised. “And after all the trouble I went through to get this information for you.”

Hinata opened his mouth to say something, to yell or scream or demand evidence or just do _something,_ and yet he was incapable of producing any noise. Instead he just stared at Komaeda with his jaw dropped, just stared at the white-haired boy before him, the boy who was acting so calm, so condescending. How could he act like that? How could he sit there and smirk after saying such a thing? After all that had happened? After everything Hinata had said the night before—

“Hinata-kun,” Nanami then said, placing a hand on his arm, and he finally glanced over at her, feeling more lost than ever before.

“I don’t believe you,” he finally was able to speak, and so he looked back over at Komaeda. “I don’t believe you. That can’t be true. You’re just playing some sick joke on me. It’s not funny.”

“Well you’re right there; it’s not very funny, is it?” Komaeda murmured, twisting one of his fingers around a curl in his hair. “It is true, though. Isn’t it funny just how unfunny the truth can be?”

“Komaeda,” Hinata said in a low voice.

“To tell you the truth, I’m just as disappointed as you are,” the white-haired boy then sighed, continuing to twist the lock of hair around his finger as he glanced up and to the side, and there was something about his mannerisms that Hinata found almost disturbing. “For someone as bright as Hinata-kun to be nothing more than a lowly reserve course student, so lowly that he’s even lower than someone like me…well, that is pretty disappointing, Hinata-kun.”

“I…don’t have time for this right now,” Hinata insisted, attempting to swallow down his indistinguishable pool of negative feelings. “I don’t have time to think about this right now. None of us do.”

“Because we have a murder case on our hands, correct?” Komaeda questioned. “Well, while you all were slacking off on this side of the funhouse, I was gathering all sorts of information on the other. Let’s go to the murder scene then, shall we? There’s plenty of information I can fill you in on the way there.”

Hinata tried his best to listen as Komaeda imparted to him all the evidence he’d gathered, but his concentration faltered incessantly. He couldn’t help but focus on the little things, like the fact that Komaeda wasn’t making direct eye contact with him as he explained, and how Komaeda hadn’t touched him once since they’d seen each other today, and the way Komaeda’s words seemed detached, almost condescending.

 _Is this the same person I was with last night?_ he couldn’t help but think to himself. He thought back to that night, to Komaeda’s face, nervous but longing, pale cheeks tinted with the color of roses, dusty irises staring up at him through narrowed eyelids, his light lashes spreading out across the skin underneath his eyes in the same manner that his tangled white hair splayed out across the pillow. _I don’t know the person standing next to me. He isn’t acting the same._

 _‘There’s only one Komaeda,’_ some voice chimed in reminder from the back of his mind, but some muted panic told him that this wasn’t the same, that something was seriously wrong. _Komaeda isn’t the person who’s different though,_ he thought in morbid realization. _It’s me. And he won’t want me anymore._

The feeling crashed over him like a wave, and he felt he could either throw up or pass out. Still, he felt Nanami pull at the fabric of his shirt as they reached the scene of the murder. When he looked up, Komaeda had already moved swiftly from his side, this time going up to Souda and grabbing his attention. He’d managed to fix the elevator in order for Hinata and Nanami and the others on that side to be able to cross over to where the murder had occurred, but it seemed there was more Komaeda wanted with him.

“So you did what I asked of you then?” Komaeda inquired, his expression unreadable. “Did you see what happened?”

“Well yeah, but I think your compass is broken,” Souda replied, scratching at the back of his head.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Komaeda said coldly. “What did you see?”

“Oh, uh, it turned 180 degrees on the ride here,” Souda mumbled, furrowing his brow.

Komaeda nodded curtly, already turning towards the scene of the murder. “I see. Good then, it’s exactly as I thought.”

“Exactly as you thought?” Souda grumbled, then looked to Hinata and Nanami. “Is it just me, or is he pissed off?”

“He is acting strange,” Nanami replied, her eyebrows turned down in concern.

“He was actin’ kinda funny earlier too, when he asked me to fix the elevator and bring the compass,” Souda mused, glancing off after Komaeda. “Not quite the same as he is now though. Before he seemed kinda nervous and confused, but now he’s just…cold. Not that I know him that well or anything, but I thought it was weird.”

“That is weird,” Hinata murmured, practically to himself.

“Are you all not going to come as well?” Komaeda then called out from where he stood by Nidai’s body. “You’re the ones who keep harping on the fact that we have a murder case to solve.”

“Definitely weird,” Souda sighed, shaking his head.

“We already investigated there,” Hinata replied. “There’s nothing left to find.”

“Of course there’s something left to find,” Komaeda muttered, and Hinata was surprised he didn’t roll his eyes. “Souda-kun, I need you again.”

“Need me again?” Souda spat as the three of them approached. “What do you need me for?”

“Tsumiki-san is no longer with us, so we have no way of running an autopsy,” Komaeda started, “but in this case I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that the victim is a machine. After all, we do have the Super High School Level Mechanic at our service.”

“Well, what exactly do you want me to do?” Souda inquired.

“You’re a mechanic, aren’t you?” Komaeda murmured, seeming to look down on the pink-haired boy with lowered eyelids. “Can’t you take a machine apart?”

“What?” Hinata gasped. “Komaeda, you can’t mean—”

“Listen here, you bitch,” Owari practically growled like a feral animal. “You try to take old man Nidai apart and you’re gonna regret it.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata tried to reason, “have some sense, will you? He’s our friend.”

“Have some sense?” Komaeda scoffed. “We’re in the middle of an investigation, Hinata-kun. Perhaps you’re the ones who should have more sense. Now Souda-kun, can you take him apart or can’t you?”

“I…can,” Souda mumbled, his expression unsure as he glanced between Hinata, Nanami, and Owari. “I-I mean, technically I can, but when I look at Nidai, I…I don’t know if I…”

“So this is what they call the Super High School Level Mechanic?” Komaeda then inquired. “How disappointing.”

“You’re about two seconds from having your neck snapped like a twig, you fucker!” Owari snarled, but Komaeda did nothing more than glance at her through half-lidded eyes.

“Oh, so do you not want to know who Nidai’s killer is then, Owari-san?” he murmured. “If you can’t use your brain but you want to find the culprit, I’d suggest you stop interrupting.”

“Okay, that’s enough, Komaeda,” Hinata finally said, coming up right beside him. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I’m not gonna sit here and let you bully everybody around.”

“How predictable that you’d take their side,” Komaeda replied calmly, turning to face him. “I thought perhaps you’d be just a bit more rational, though I can see I’ve far overestimated your capabilities in that sense. Now, start disassembling, Souda-kun.”

“No Souda, don’t do it if you don’t want to,” Hinata growled, gaze never straying from Komaeda’s cold, solid stare. “Komaeda, you need to calm down.”

“If we don’t hurry up with this investigation, we won’t finish before the class trial begins,” Komaeda responded evenly. “If that happens, the killer gets away and everyone dies. Is that the hope you wished for, Hinata-kun? Because that’s not what you told me last night.”

Hinata froze at the mention of the previous night, and he repressed a shiver when Komaeda smirked at his lack of response. “No, that’s not what I want,” he tried to say calmly.

“Well then, what exactly is it that you want, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda inquired softly, leaning in a bit so that their faces were close. “Because you can’t have both.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata whispered, his eyebrows scrunching together. “What’s wrong?”

“Why, so you can make it all better?” Komaeda asked. “So you can make me happy, and get me to touch you like this?”

Komaeda’s fingers were cold when they came into contact with Hinata’s neck, and he couldn’t help but flinch at the touch. Komaeda slid his hand up so he was cupping the side of his face, then bent his head forward so their foreheads were touching and the stray wisps of his hair tickled at Hinata’s skin. Hinata could only stand there, frozen. His face was hot, his fingers trembling at his side, and with his brain suddenly screaming in some jumbled-up, flustered sort of panic, he had absolutely no idea what to do.

The room fell into complete, deafening silence around them as Komaeda smiled – Hinata could hear it in his breathy voice as he chuckled softly. “What?” he laughed quietly. “What’s with this? Do you not want me to touch you like this anymore? Is mine the kind of touch only welcome in the dark hours of the night, Hinata-kun?” Here he paused, leaning in so close that Hinata could feel his breath puffing up against his own lips, and he swallowed thickly. “Ah, I’m sorry. They must be so disappointed in you.”

“Komaeda-kun,” Nanami then spoke up. “This…is a private issue. And I don’t believe now is the time to be dealing with it.”

Komaeda paused for a moment, then slowly took a step back and dropped his hand to his side. Hinata finally felt like he could breathe.

“What is it now?” Komaeda laughed, glancing around at everyone standing shocked and silent in the room. His eyes were wide and scary, his smile much too big. “It was just a joke, you know! I was just joking! Why, everything was getting so tense and serious in here, though I can see you all didn’t find it very funny. Now, isn’t it time to disassemble the body?”

Everybody remained quiet for a moment more, even Owari, and finally Souda shook his head and stepped up next to Nidai’s corpse. He bent down to work, and Hinata didn’t dare take his eyes off the ground, both so he could avoid glancing at the body and for fear of finding everybody else’s eyes on him. He didn’t want to see the confusion reflected in their stares, or the anger, or the disappointment. A dull pain throbbed in his chest at being so ashamed to have his little affair with Komaeda exposed, but then again, if Komaeda was going to act like this then was there truly nothing for him to be ashamed of?

He finally found the courage to look up, though he kept his eyes trained on the boy in question. His expression gave away nothing, and yet Hinata couldn’t rid himself of the pervasive feeling that something was utterly wrong. Even taking into account the upsetting truth of his talent (which still hadn’t sunken in entirely yet), Hinata couldn’t help but feel that something had to be for him to be acting in such a way, but what could possibly have happened between last night and the current moment to cause this change in behavior? What could possibly be wrong?

The investigation stretched on for a little while longer, Komaeda tugging the party this way and that while also managing to turn everyone’s preconceived ideas of the funhouse on their heads. Eventually though, the time came for them all to funnel into Monokuma Rock for the fourth trial of the School Trip of Mutual Killing, and it was just as Hinata was about to enter as well that Komaeda himself blocked the path.

“We really are the same,” he said without preface, and Hinata had to contain the red hot anger that flared up inside him in that moment.

“We finally get two seconds alone together and that’s what you choose to say to me?” he demanded vehemently. “What the hell could have possibly happened between now and last night to make you act so weird? I know I’m a reserve course student, but is that really all that’s going on?”

“I always knew there was something similar about the two of us,” Komaeda continued, unperturbed by Hinata’s outburst and apparently not too concerned with what he was saying. “And now I understand. It’s because we’re both just stepping stones for hope. Of course, I knew enough to be satisfied with that, while apparently you sought to rise above your place.”

“If you’re trying to say something, just say it,” Hinata spat.

“I thought I was content with that,” Komaeda mused, not even looking at Hinata at this point. “I thought I was okay with sacrificing myself for all of you. I was happy with it, even. But there is no hope amidst all this killing.”

Hinata furrowed his brow. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I know. That’s what I’ve been saying all along, Komaeda. What kind of hope comes from killing people?” Despite all his anger and pain, some sort of hope seemed to stir in his fervently beating heart. Could it be that Komaeda was finally coming to his senses?

“Hm? Oh, it seems you’ve misunderstood,” Komaeda replied, and immediately Hinata’s heart sunk once more. “I know that’s what you believe, but you’re wrong. Weak hope is stomped out so that strong hope goes on. That’s what it is to survive, isn’t it?” He then paused, tilting his head to the side a bit in apparent realization. “Oh, but this isn’t what I wanted to tell you at all. It’s so easy to get distracted when speaking with you, Hinata-kun!”

“No, you just always do this,” Hinata growled. “You jump from topic to topic with no warning and without explaining yourself. You can never just hold a normal conversation.”

“Ah, I see I’ve made you angry,” Komaeda noted. “Truly that wasn’t my intention.”

“Don’t you dare tell me that wasn’t your intention after what you just did back there,” Hinata seethed.

Komaeda sighed. “Ah, please don’t be too annoying, or I’ll have to give up on this conversation,” he said. “You know Hinata-kun, if I’m being honest, I don’t quite know what to do with you at this point. Perhaps it’s the chemistry between us making me sentimental?”

“What? This is what you call sentimental?” Hinata demanded, and he had to force himself to take a deep breath. “Listen Komaeda, clearly something happened to make you behave this way, but I can’t help you unless you tell me what it is.”

“Help me?” Komaeda scoffed. “What makes you think that I want your help, Hinata-kun? You’re always forcing your goodwill onto me, but what ever made you think I wanted it in the first place?”

Hinata faltered a bit, and he was powerless against the stab of guilt he felt amidst all the anger. “But you wanted help, didn’t you?”

“I never asked you for help.”

“But you needed help, Komaeda,” Hinata told him. “And by the looks of it, you still do.”

Komaeda wrinkled his nose, smiling an awful sort of smile. “Oh? Is that something I should be taking offensively?”

“No, I’m being serious,” Hinata replied. “I want to help you if I can, so just let me help you.”

“You realize you’ve done more damage than you’ve helped, don’t you Hinata-kun?” Komaeda then pointed out. “Did the confusion you put me through never occur to you? Why, just this morning I was so nervous and confused. I even spoke to Souda-kun about it, though not in such plain terms.”

“He did mention that,” Hinata murmured. “Why didn’t you tell me you were nervous and confused?”

“I did,” Komaeda spoke quietly. “You just weren’t listening.”

“You never told me that before.”

Komaeda simply shook his head.

“You weren’t listening for the right things.”

Hinata felt something twist inside him. “Komaeda…”

“Ah, this isn’t really what I intended either,” Komaeda mumbled, glancing off to the side. “I suppose since you’re a reserve course student now there’s no need for me to be so conflicted anymore, but it doesn’t quite feel so simple. Regardless, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be together from this point on.”

Hinata felt another twist. “Together as in…you don’t want to be romantically involved with me?”

“Together as in together at all,” Komaeda said plainly. “I don’t want you to bother me from this point on, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata could do nothing but stare for a moment, feeling as if he were floating, or perhaps falling. Yes, more like falling, falling through space with no way of knowing when he’d reach the bottom. “You…you don’t want me…”

“I don’t think we should be together anymore, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda repeated, though this time his words were softer, slower. Komaeda’s eyebrows were scrunched together, his expression more troubled than it had been the entire day so far. He hesitated a moment, then cautiously leaned in and pressed his dry, bloodless lips against Hinata’s. It was a chaste kiss, soft and harmless, though the pain it shot through Hinata’s chest could have been fatal. He could feel the wispy tendrils of Komaeda’s hair brushing against the skin of his neck, tickling him like ghostly fingers, and he wished he could lean in as well, deepen the kiss, do anything to make the moment last and keep Komaeda here for just a little, little longer, but he couldn’t move. A moment passed by, slipped through their fingers and fell away as if it had never been, and suddenly Komaeda was pulling away, his cloudy eyes on the ground.

“Ha, I really am pathetic,” he chuckled hoarsely, quietly, his hair shifting so that it spilled across his face, covered his gaze. “To think I’d allow myself to be so indulgent. I really am selfish, but at least I’m not you. At least now I know how I’m supposed to be again.”

Hinata opened his mouth to speak, but his voice had caught in his throat, jammed in his windpipe. He could have suffocated on it, suffocated in that moment, his eyes wide and stinging. His body screamed to say something, but his brain was so far left behind he couldn’t even fathom where to begin.

“Well,” Komaeda then sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s time for the trial.”

The lanky boy brushed by him and started on his way towards Monokuma Rock, and it took a moment for reality to sink in and for the world to settle back into place. But then the world started turning once more, and Komaeda was walking away, and Hinata was so far away and left behind that he felt as lost as he’d ever been, even with the enormous monument right to his side. By the time he turned his attention to the entrance of Monokuma Rock the cloud of white hair had already disappeared inside, and Hinata was all alone.

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

 

Everything was silent, and Hinata’s face was slicked with tears. Everyone else was in a similar state after witnessing the horrors of the latest execution. Nobody spoke a word during the much too long trek back to the cottages, and Hinata’s eyes were focused on his own feet as they dragged across the ground. Once again, everyone else was in a similar state, each pair of shoes scraping against the path – all except for one. As always, one set of footsteps was quicker, farther up ahead. As always, the carefree pitter-patter mingled disturbingly with the chorus of scraping soles, and Hinata felt his teeth grinding against one another as he tried to shove down the wrenching inside him. As always, _as always._

“Komaeda!” he shrieked, all but cringing at the hard, thin, tinny strain to his voice, making it waver as if it would snap.

The white haired boy halted in his tracks, though the motion was nowhere near abrupt. When he turned he had an almost lazy, lackadaisical attitude to him – a vile sort of casualness – and it only served to exacerbate Hinata’s flaring anger.

“You think you can just walk away?” he found himself saying. “You think you can just turn around at the drop of a hat and walk away?”

Komaeda furrowed his brow. “Walk away?”

“Don’t you dare play dumb,” Hinata laughed morbidly, finding himself stomping towards the spot where Komaeda stood still. The others around them had halted as well, watching with bated breath. Most of them hadn’t spoken to Hinata outside the trial since witnessing the display from earlier. “You think you can drop everything and leave, but you can’t. That’s not how things work.”

“Not how things work?” Komaeda scoffed, his voice taking on a twinge of disdain, and Hinata relished in the deviation from pointed nonchalance. “You think I care about how things work in your world, Hinata-kun? When have things between us ever worked as they should?”

“Things never worked because you wouldn’t _let_ them,” Hinata suddenly shouted, his lips pulling away to bear his teeth. “I don’t understand why you could never just _let things go._ You’re the one who kept running in circles and turning away! You’re the one who kept inviting me in just to shut the door in my face and leave!”

Komaeda studied him with a frown, and Hinata searched desperately in his gaze for some sort of glint or change. “There’s a point in time not very long ago when your words would have hurt me deeply, Hinata-kun,” he spoke quietly. “Even now to hear that you blame me so heavily for the barriers in our relationship is somehow disheartening, though I suppose I should embrace the feeling, seeing as the two of us have no reason to force ourselves to spend time together anymore.”

Hinata felt something cold and terrible jolt through his body, and Komaeda began to turn. “No!” he objected, grabbing the taller boy by the arm and yanking him back. “No, it’s not all your fault, Komaeda. It’s my fault too, and I know that. But if you would just listen to me, and we could just try— goddammit Komaeda, can’t you just fucking _try?”_

“I don’t want to try anymore, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda suddenly cried. “I’m done trying! It was too painful for me, and there’s nothing left for me to try for anymore.”

“Nothing left to try for?” Hinata spat. “Just because I’m a reserve course student? Are you really that superficial?”

At that Komaeda cackled, tossed his head back and brayed out his horrible laughter. “You call me superficial?” he gasped for breath. “You would do such a thing, wouldn’t you Hinata-kun! At the very least I can still appreciate your candid objections. But if that’s what you choose to think, I have no qualms with it.” He wrenched his arm from Hinata’s grasp, turning once more. “Now leave me alone, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata could only watch him for a moment, stunned, until his features hardened into a mask of indignation. “What the hell is any of that supposed to mean?” he demanded. “You keep talking, but you never _say anything!_ How do you expect me to accept any of this cryptic bullshit?”

“If you don’t have ears for my words, then I see no point in explaining them to you.”

“Bullshit!” Hinata shrieked again. “You either don’t know how to explain or you don’t want to – either that or both! If you’d just stop and let us talk this out—“

“We will never reach an understanding, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda then shouted, turning on his heel and staring back at him with wide, wild eyes. “You tried; I’ll give you that much. You tried to get it, but you failed. But that’s okay, right? ‘Oh, you didn’t get it this time, but better luck next time,’ except you _kept failing. We will never reach an understanding.”_

Hinata froze at that like his body had turned to stone, incapable of anything but staring in incredulity as Komaeda turned, began to leave and slip through his quivering fingers once more, and before he even knew it he was running towards him. “No!” he cried, and he grabbed Komaeda by both his shoulders this time, swinging him around. “You can’t leave! We’re not done here!”

“Don’t touch me!” Komaeda screamed, his voice fracturing and splintering, and he squirmed about in Hinata’s grasp. “We’re done! Let me go!”

“Why are you the one who decides when we’re done?” Hinata spat, wrestling to keep Komaeda confined in his arms. “Why do you think it’s okay to pull me around everywhere and then abandon me without even giving me a reason? Do you understand how upsetting and confusing that is for me?”

“Do you understand how upsetting and confusing all this is for _me?”_ Komaeda demanded, pausing in his struggling to look straight at Hinata with daggers in his eyes. “All this suffering, all this bewilderment? Do you understand how scary and confounding it is for you to say that you love me, but you don’t forgive me? That you hate parts of me and what I’ve done, but you’re willing to put up with those and eventually learn to ignore them for the parts you think you like?” His expression hardened further, scrunching his eyebrows, flaring his nostrils. “How can you expect me to cling to somebody who has even told me that they feel this way?”

Hinata froze for a moment, stunned by the words and how much they stung, and Komaeda took the opportunity to wrench himself from his grasp. A shred of panic ripped through Hinata’s insides, and he scrambled to grab hold of the boy once more; somehow he felt that if he let him go now, he would never be able to find him again. “Komaeda!” he shrieked, stumbling forward and latching onto his arm, pulling down as he tripped over his own feet. Komaeda let out a cry as well, and the two went crashing down together. In a frenzy Komaeda tried to scramble away, but Hinata held on with all his might, appalled at his own actions but unable to think of anything else with his whirling brain.

“Let go! Stop touching me!” Komaeda shrieked. “Stop touching me!”

“I wouldn’t have to do this if you’d just listen!” Hinata screamed back. “Do you understand how blatantly cruel it is to just walk away? You won’t even give me a reason! Just give me a reason!”

“Let go!”

“Give me a reason!”

“Hinata-kun!”

The voice snapped him from his deranged stupor, and he turned to see Nanami running towards him. “Nanami?” he mumbled, somehow confused, so horribly disoriented, and in a second she was by his side. She grabbed him lightly by his shoulder, trying to coax him up.

“Let go of him, Hinata-kun,” she spoke softly. “I understand how you feel, but this will do nothing to help.”

Immediately all the energy drained from Hinata’s body, leaving his limbs feeling heavy and useless. His head ached horribly, and his eyes were stinging when he looked over at her. “But, if I let him go, then I may never…”

Nanami’s eyebrows angled down, and she seemed almost pained herself. “What’s the point in forcing someone to stay who’s already left in their mind?” she barely whispered.

Hinata’s eyes widened, and he glanced back at Komaeda. The white-haired boy was staring up at him with big, almost fearful eyes, and Hinata noticed in some emotion not far from horror how similar the view was to the night before, when he’d looked down at Komaeda’s blushing, adoring face. The comparison deeply disturbed him, making his skin crawl and his heart pump rapidly with some odd, raw kind of fear, and he backed off immediately, drawing his shaking fingers close to his body and crawling away from the boy, closer to Nanami. Komaeda watched with those same large eyes as Nanami drew an arm around Hinata’s shoulders, and then abruptly he looked away, clambered clumsily to his feet. The boy backed away a few steps before turning, then left the scene with large, quick strides.

The area was plunged into thick, deafening silence that seemed to smother Hinata from all sides, make him feel like his body was somewhere far away from reality. “You should all head back to the cottages,” he heard Nanami call out from beside him, but her voice sounded very far away too. “I’ll take care of Hinata-kun.”

Hinata glanced up at all the others as they all slowly started shuffling down the path, murmuring things to each other, their eyes wide and lingering on him as they passed. He could do nothing but watch them, his mouth agape, and he felt his eyeballs starting to sting. “They know now, don’t they?” he mumbled, turning his wild eyes to Nanami. “They’re all gonna hate me.”

“Don’t worry about them,” Nanami told him. “Nobody will hate you.”

“Yes, they will,” Hinata asserted, his eyebrows scrunching together but his voice wavering. “They know about me and Komaeda. What we were.” He turned his gaze to the ground. “They all know now and I’ve even lost him. I’ve lost everybody now.”

Nanami was quiet for a moment. “You haven’t lost me.”

Hinata simply frowned at the ground for a long moment, concentrating on his breath whistling in and out of his throat, trying to will away the stinging in his eyeballs. He lowered his eyelids, squeezing them shut tightly, and he felt the hot tears streak down his face. He hated it, but with a shiver and a sigh he hoped it would make him feel better, make this all somehow easier. “I’m sorry,” he then told Nanami, eyes still closed. “This is pathetic. I knew how this was going to end from the start and I still did it, and now I’ve really fucked up. You shouldn’t even be pitying me right now.”

Hinata felt Nanami’s grip on him tightened, and he leaned into her arms, let himself melt into the embrace. His body was aching and tired, his skull throbbing. “I don’t pity you,” she replied softly, so incredibly softly. “I’m sad, too. I’m sad for both of you.”

Hinata opened his mouth, sucked in a quivering breath. His brain was pounding with all sorts of acidic, horrible emotions: shame, guilt, rage, even fear, and about a million others he couldn’t seem to identify, couldn’t seem to pull apart from each other and understand. He simply kept his eyes closed and settled into Nanami’s embrace, wondering how he’d ever let himself fall to such an irredeemable level of stupidity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, not a very happy note to end on for my last chapter in a while, I guess >< Still, I really hope you guys enjoyed it, especially since (like I said) I struggled a lot with whether or not I thought this chapter was good enough. Once again, thank you guys SO much for bearing with me, and your comments always give me life <3 <3 I've decided that I'm going to try my best to respond to more of your comments too, because they really do mean a lot to me and I want you to know how much I appreciate each and every one.
> 
> As you can probably see, we are now very very close to the end of Bad Poetry...I hope you'll bear with me for one more chapter >< for those of you who may be interested, I do still intend to do a sequel series for it, so you can keep an eye out for that? But only if you want to of course!! I'm simply amazed by the support I've received for this fic, and I'll be satisfied as long as it can bring happiness to you guys^^ One again, thank you so much!! I love you all and I couldn't have done this without you!!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [letters (me and your memory)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873002) by [retroghost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/retroghost/pseuds/retroghost)




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